FILTER FREE

Dennis is constantly telling me (and everybody else) that I have no filter. You know the one that kicks in and keeps you from saying or yelling things out at inopportune moments. Well, seeing I just spent an entire week in Nebraska I had a little anger pent up towards rednecks. So here I am standing at the lovely buffet we had set up for the group staying at the resort, The Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, and I'm babbling on about how this trip to Nebraska has amplified my dislike for rednecks. Well, this was a group of rednecks we were serving and Dennis basically told me to shut up before someone picked up one of the guns they were auctioning off and shot my silly ass. I did. This was a convention for hunters of elk, and they were calling themselves conservationists to boot. I took the first cut at work because when the auction started I nearly lost my mind. I've been to a million cattle and estate auctions in my life and this was by far one of the worst auctioneers I've ever heard. He sounded like Porky Pig on acid. I went home and went to bed.

HEY YOU!

This goes out the following people:

THE LADY ON THE CELL PHONE:

Watch where the fuck your going! I should have let you hit me in traffic yesterday. Your brand new SUV would have suffered a whole lot more than my shitty little KIA.

WAIF GIRL

Yes, I saw you smiling at me at the grocery store! Yes, I found you attractive. Yes, I love thin petite chicks, but Jesus Christ lady eat something! I've never seen anyone with such paper thin hips before. You intrigue and yet frighten me.

PHONE SALESPERSON

Learn the definition of the word no, you stupid fuck. If you had listened to me tell you no then I wouldn't have wasted so much of your time, putting down my phone, yelling at grandpa to get back in his cage. Yelling at grandpa to stop pissing himself. Yelling at grandpa, asking him if he knew how hard it was to get shit stains out of berber carpet. Next time someone starts doing this I would either hang up or call 911.

OLD HAG

Were you surprised that I openly mocked you in public? Shut up and listen to your grandchildren. If you had stopped bitching and listened to them you would have known what they were talking about. You are the archetype of old hags. I've never seen such an unpleasant and bitter person before. I think I had you down pretty good, even the accent was there. By the way, those people laughing at me doing an impression of you were not my friends, I didn't know them any more than you did but maybe you can now see how others perceive you. I hope you don't do this all of the time.