Sunday, August 31, 2003

AAAHOO! WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!



What in the hell is this? It was only yesterday I was dancing around in my basement bedroom listening to The Jackson Five on my eight-track tape player, pretending like I was Michael Jackson. Well, times have changed. If I were to go around acting like Michael Jackson today I would be arrested on the spot! Holy fuck dude, what went wrong? First your the cute pre-teen pop star dancing around and charming the masses with your brothers and then slowly transforms into the shy teenager singing hits like "Ben". Next your singing hits like "Can't Stop Till You Get Enough" and skyrocket into super stardom with the best selling record of all time. The descent is less than palatable when you started hanging out with toddlers and chimps, but the real kicker is the mutilation of your face. Goddamn man, what the fuck happened to you? What kind of trauma could you have suffered to throw you into the dark abyss of what ever the fuck it is your doing? Few things scare me but you my friend not only scare me, you frighten the shit out of me. The deep end buddy, that's where you are! You went off the deep end. Good thing you have money because any average psycho would have been institutionalized years ago. Oh, by the way, happy 45th birthday freako!


THE WEDDING


It started off on a rocky road the night before. Josie has a ton of siblings, a small family of 13 kids including her, and a couple of her sisters were over here criticizing everything during the rehearsal. Feelings were hurt and I made the statement that I wouldn't allow anything like that to happen the night of the wedding. I expected shit to hit the fan but everything went smooth after that. I'm sure word of that got around because the one sister notorious for starting trouble, the one who called and apologized to Josie never even showed up. The other two sisters showed up at the wedding, tried to start shit with several different people but were completely ignored. After acting like spoiled children that had been disciplined, standing at the back pouting, they finally just kind of slipped off and went home without anyone noticing. One of these sisters isn't even talking to her son. He showed up with his wife and little girl and Josie's sister went inside and sat at our dining room table until they left. You want to talk about drama queens! Mostly everyone left by 10:00 p.m. while the rest of us diehards sat under the stars drinking beer and listening to classic 70's rock n' roll. We were all pretty shitty drunk by midnight and called it a night around 1:00 a.m. I would say it was a success! The food was awesome, thanks to the ladies at Mama Lama's, and everyone was well behaved for the most part. I'm surprised none the less.

Friday, August 29, 2003

IT'S A WEDDING



Oy Vey! There is going to be a wedding taking place in my back yard tomorrow night, reception dinner and all. It's not like I don't work at least one of these types of functions a week, feeding hundreds of people, cutting wedding cake, being doused with horribly overplayed songs like "Celebration" and "The Electric Slide," but to have it happen in your own back yard without any say in how it's going to be run is another thing. My Nephew and his fiancée are just starting out and didn't have the money to put on a real nice wedding in a extremely nice place. Seeing that I have a huge back yard that is pleasantly landscaped with a view of the mountains they thought it would be a great idea to have their wedding and reception in my back yard. So Josie told them yes. So the first step was to have the yard freshly taken care of so that it would look real nice for tomorrow, and Luis (Josie's brother) volunteered to do that this morning but he never showed up. Later on my Nephew and his parents are coming over to set some stuff up. It's monsoon season and it looks like rain, not sure that is going to work very well. I just hope this thing goes well, I have a weird feeling about all of this. [phone rings] It's Josie's brother, he's on his way over.


FAMILY FEUD


Josie and her sister have not been speaking for months now. Her sister is a liar and a thief. I've helped her out when she was down and out and she repaid me by stealing from us. Last time Josie spoke to her, her sister went off on a tangent about how we think we are so rich and have it all. Well, were not poor but we are not real rich either. I guess if your living on food stamps Josie and I might look like were really rich. Anyway, she flew off the handle and slammed the phone on Josie then never spoke to her again. After that she went around spreading lies about Josie and I telling people in her family that we had been saying awful things about them. She was doing this a week ago and got caught in the lie because she told one of Josie's sisters that Josie had said something awful about her. Her sister said, "That is kind of odd seeing that Josie hasn't spoken to you in about three months." As the story goes her sister is now sorry she has done all of this and called to apologize to Jose. What it really amounts to is that she wants to attend the wedding and the only way she can be here is if she apologizes to Josie. I still don't want here here because I know it's not a heart felt apology but more of a convenient way to attend a wedding she would otherwise had to have missed. The sad thing is that this will start all over again as soon as Josie has nothing to offer her and Josie's feelings will get smashed again, just like it has dozens of times before. It's and endless loop of stupidity. I'm told she is going to approach me with an apology and when she does I'm going to let her have it. I'm going to tell her like it is. Ladies. start your engines!

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

NOT MUCH TO SAY TODAY


I scrapped what I wrote earlier today just because I have a tendency to ramble on and on. What I had written was very much in defense of gay people and their rights as human beings. Where I started to ramble was the religious aspect of the whole thing and how the religious view them as abominations and so forth. Well, I will spare you all from that rant, already deleted it. I'm pretty anti-religion and I'm sure you know that if you read this page very often. I'm curious to know what people think of this blog. Please, leave a comment today and let me know what you love or hate about this blog. Hell, just comment in general, what you think would be more interesting here or less interesting here. Or if you feel moved, just plainly type FUCK YOU.

MONSOON SEASON


Monsoon3.jpg (12590 bytes)
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I had about a three hour break between shifts today and decided it would be a good idea to take some of the stuff I checked out a week ago at the library back so that I could check out even more stuff. I spent time looking at some C.D.s I wanted to check out and an then an hour on the internet reading blogs and news. I was finished a couple of hours later and walked out to the parking lot and noticed this huge black cloud moving in pretty damn fast and thought, I better get in my car and get to work before that bad boy decides to break loose. Well, I didn't listen to that voice and decided to pick up a few items at Walgreen's that I needed,  which was some CDRs, a Pepsi, and a candy bar (lunch). Bad idea! Or maybe it wasn't. Either way that cloud burst, literally! I was paying for my stuff via my debit card but it wouldn't ring through because the cloud was so dense they couldn't finish the transaction via satellite so I had to charge it. Then all hell broke loose! I have only seen it rain this hard a couple of times and at one point we had one of those micro bursts hit down directly on the store I was in. The wind was blowing so hard that the rain was flying horizontally. About five or six trees uprooted and fell over, one on a new SUV, and a fence across the street blew over. The wind must have been blowing at least 75 miles an hour or harder. One lady pulled in to get out of the rain. She got caught in that micro burst and it flung something into her windshield and broke it. She and her boy were pretty frightened. So as it goes, my windshield wipers are toast and are not working, it's raining like hell and I have to go back to work. I even waited it out for about half an hour but it just kept raining. So, I decided to get going anyway because I didn't want to be late for work. I spent  long time slowly moving up Craycroft St. hardly able to see, but slow because traffic was moving real slow. Due to flash flooding I had to turn around and go a different way. Things looked pretty bad, lots of flash flooding and cars off the road, cops everywhere trying to handle the chaos. I've never been so scared driving before in my entire life! I was only six minutes late for work. So thinking back it may have been best that I wasn't on the road when that monster of a storm broke loose. One of those cars I saw washed off or wrecked on the side of the road could have been mine. Thank you Pepsi for addicting me do your product and keeping me safe at Walgreen's drinking your caramel colored nectar and eating candy while Satan, lord of the air saw fit to pulverize the foothills of Tucson with wind, rain, thunder, and general chaos.

Monday, August 25, 2003

WHORE



Flipping through the channels to get to the news this morning I stopped on the Maury Povich show. They had women present that had been on previous shows where they tried to find out who the father of their babies were. Some of these women had been on three or four times, and had up to six or seven guys take DNA tests to see if they were the father. I only watched long enough to see two of these people get proven wrong again. Now I don't care if your a guy or a girl, but if your fucking so many people that you don't know who got you pregnant or diseased, then chances are your a whore. That goes for guys and girls. I get horny now and then folks, but really! Maybe I'm below average, but I can count the people I've had sex with on one hand. You also always have the option of using a condom if your that horned up. Oh, by the way, going on Maury Povich isn't making you look any better.


JASON VS. FREDDY


Not an Oscar winner by any means that's for sure. There was plenty of blood to satisfy ones urge to see naughty teenagers getting what they had coming. Kelly Rolands was in it but she never got naked, damn! She looked good anyway, she always looks good. Could have been better, and could have been a whole lot worse so I won't complain about it being too bad. Smart move was buying sodas at the food court and taking them to the movie. They allow that at the mall so I saved about $5 getting them at McDonalds instead of the concession stand. Popcorn was still $5.50 though.


THIRD TIMES A CHARM


On the way to pick Miranda up from school I turned on the radio. "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith was on. I really don't care for that song so I changed the radio to another rock station. "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith was on. Aerosmith is o.k. but I've only heard this song a million times and wasn't in the mood to hear it again. The thought crossed my mind, change it to the nu rock grunge station, there won't be any Aerosmith on that channel. I was wrong! "Walk This Way" by Run D.M.C. and Aerosmith was playing. I took this as an omen and shut the radio off. What are the odds?



Luke 11

14 And he was casting out a devil, and it was dumb. And it came to pass, when the devil was gone out, the dumb spake; and the people wondered.


I'm wondering just how fucking dumb you have to be to attend a church like The Temple Church of Apostolic Faith. Anybody see this in the news today? The members of this church killed an eight year old autistic boy while trying to cast the devil out of him. His mother was one of the people holding him down to boot. The pastor of the church is saying god called the boy home. A witness saw church members beating the boy at a prayer meeting, and this church has been investigated on beating charges before. See, this isn't chicken and egg games like someone commented a few days ago. This is ignorance and superstition. The ten commandments in Alabama, the priest in prison, and now this little boy. Chalk them all up for Jesus!

SUNDAY, THE DAY OF THE DEAD


Joe's day today? Sloth, plain and simple! I didn't do jack today, other than going to get groceries, if you want to call junk food groceries. I went to bed early last night (unheard of) and even took a three hour nap today. Watched a lot of t.v. and read other peoples blogs. Brandon behaved pretty good today so it was relatively quiet. He even went to bed tonight without incident. Josie isn't feeling well, even though she felt good enough to... well you know. So she was subdued and quiet today as well. Dennis called me for one of his therapeutic talks. I swear to god that guy should pay me as his psychiatrist. He would rant for about 10 minutes then aske me if I though he was overreacting to situations at work, I would say yes then he would justify why he was overreacting, rant some more and then ask again if I though he was overreacting. It was an endless loop of banter that went absolutely nowhere. The guy is hopeless and needs to get laid more than any individual I know on earth. I hear that hot little Mexican chick that works in the Bistro is fucking anything and everything, maybe he could ride that train. Nah, he'd be too afraid. Me, if I were a single guy? Oh boy, I don't need to get all worked up speculating. The kids go to school tomorrow, and Josie works so I'm going to try and catch a flick at the mall. Yes, I'm a sucker for Horror so it will probably be Freddy Vs. Jason. Lame, I know. Then again, I could just skip that and go buy the Omega Code on DVD. You know what movie that is, it's that end of the world movie put out by the plastic good folks over at Trinity Broadcasting Network, the satellite network for Jesus. Talk about pasty white people! I get a good laugh watching Benny Hinn slapping the shit out of people in the name of Jesus to rid them of their ailments. That and Bob Larsen casting the devil out of third rate actors with no fashion sense. Jesus needs new spokes persons. If I were god, I would have hot Asian chicks representing me. I wouldn't smite anybody, cause any plagues, or even threaten people. If I were all powerful, I would be just that. Fuck that adversary bit, the whole good vs. evil soap opera. O.k. I'm blathering once again. I'm going to bed now, wish me luck! Think I'll sleep good, it's nice and cool out for a change.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

CLEANING DAY



I've mentioned before that Josie is a clean freak. It's better than being a Jesus freak, but anyway she and her sister Merlin deep clean our house every other week like most people wish they could clean once a year. So what does that add up to? Me staying the hell out of the way! It's me and the dogs back here in the computer room, me drinking Pepsi and listening to 80's music avoiding any anger that can be tossed my way. Josie gets frisky when she is in cleaning mode and it doesn't take much to set her off. I'm supposed to be at work right now but I gave my lunch shift to someone who got canceled from theirs and wasn't told about it. I worked breakfast so I was more than happy to kick that bastard away. So it's the weekend off, anyone in Tucson want to go have drinks? Seriously, let's go to the Cowpony tomorrow night and sing Karaokee!


IMAGES IN VOGUE


I asked if anyone missed having the images on the page and I got a couple of e-mails and a comment on this blog page so I will keep them. I think it kind of adds a little flair to the page anyway. I need those guys on Queer Eyed for the Straight Guy to come and make the page over.


DEAD CAT


One of the cats that's been dropping off the tree next to our house and on to our roof (scaring the shit out of me!) got hit by a car two days ago. Someone picked it up and put it on the side of the road right next to the curb, dead as all get out (Midwest redneck term). Anyway, I was going to be a good guy and bury it out back in the ally but seeing how hot Tucson gets and it got real hot before I woke up, the poor cat started to decompose to the point where it's bodily fluids were seeping out and running down the curb. I was utterly grossed out and decided that fate killed that motherfucker, and fate can bury that bitch. Serves the cat right for crossing a street where cars are constantly speeding, and it serves him right for scaring the shit out of me during a scary movie about two months ago. The worm that dieth not has him now. That's maggots for the scripturally challenged. You big sillies and your obsession with death and hell. Speaking of hell, John Geoghan the kiddy diddler Catholic Priest just got whacked in prison. His holiness is dead. Just goes to show you that even though your gods little favorite doesn't mean you can sodomize over a hundred little boys and get away with it. Fuck that piece of shit.


BLOG?


Josie just came in and saw me typing this out. I read it out loud and she made a weird face and said, "What are you going to do, tell them about my underwear if their dirty? Tell them I have manchas in my chones," which in spanglish translates into "Tell them I have stains in my underwear." That's my wife, god love her!

Friday, August 22, 2003

GIANT THONGS AND DRAG QUEENS


Surreal, that is what tonight was. We had an awards dinner for a medical food service association, or something close to that. Basically all the companies that produce foods and equipment used in hospital food service and so forth. So the whole room was draped with black curtains and special tables were rented that lit up a neon green color. In the corners of the room were these other drapes of some sort. What they looked like was the back end of a thong, only about 20 fee high. I kept stroking the one nearest our exit every time we exited the room. We had to exit during the performance being given by a troop of drag queens from Las Vegas. Seeing that I haven't slept well in over a week and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me I wasn't very interested in watching any of it.


MESS


I got home and the house is a mess. A sink full of dishes, Brandon sleepwalking like a zombie on crack, Miranda trying to explain why the house looked like it did when I told her last night I didn't want to see the house a mess when I got home from my fourth double in four days. Jesus Christ crackers and cheese, is it too much to ask just to have people pick up after themselves? I'm off tomorrow, and if you think I'm going to spend it cleaning a house that was cleaned two days ago by me between shifts while Will (friend from work) watched Star Wars, then you my friend are a fucking loon. Jesus, I feel baked.


Wednesday, August 20, 2003

EL TIGRE


My wife is funny. She is the only female that works in her department. It's weird enough that she works at the same place that I do, but it's even funnier when she has been talking about me and it gets back to me. So what happened today is that Josie was talking smack with the guys, in true male fashion. A female co-worker and friend of mine happened to be walking by and overheard the conversation and relayed it back to me. So what was being said you may ask? Well, it seems Josie was telling the guys that she gets it anytime she wants it and as often as she wants it. She was making me out to be a real Don Juan from what I understand. So in reality, Josie was just talking smack with the guys. I know for sure that I don't get it as often as I want it, and I sure as hell don't get it whenever I want it. Of course I didn't tell the ladies at work this. All of a sudden I have a reputation at work with some of the ladies, and I was blushing. They were calling me EL TIGRE all morning. Oy Vey!

LIBRARY


I'm at the Library typing this out so I may add more later on.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

FROM THE COMMENT BOX ON ANOTHER BLOG


ME: Yes, even salvation comes with a price tag on it. Don't feel bad about being misanthropic, it's part of being human. I don't feel so smothered as I once did because I cast my religious beliefs aside and started to live my life for myself instead of some ungrateful god, thus I was able to shed the guilt and fear, plus it makes it a whole lot easier being a misanthrope.

R. Bartlett: Joe: who's you to distinguish between an ungrateful god and an ungrateful sinner?

ME: Mr. Bartlett if your an ungrateful sinner, that's your business. You can keep your ungrateful god, I'm dong fine without him.


NOT MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, BUT FUCK IT!


Worked all day, I'm beat. Insomnia is a bitch who licks my testicles from beyond the black mountain. I feel fucking crazed, like a spooked guinea pig in a fish tank. I can smell the piss and the phone is ringing. The phone is ringing. Ringing, but I'm not home to pick it up. CHECK PLEASE!!!!

WILD AND CRAZY DAY


Today was just plain fucking weird. Every year we have this big wine tasting event where the ballroom is filled from one end to the other with booths giving out free samples of wine and just about any other type of booze you can think of. Our ballroom is the size of a football field, and that is a shitload of booze. This event is set up for Tucson businesses by local distributors so that they can show off their product, old and new. There's food as well, that was my job, keeping the hor'dourves looking fresh and all. Anyway, there are spit buckets everywhere so that you can taste a little here and there without drinking a ton. Some people don't get this concept and drink way too much then end up shitty as hell. So, the first exciting event of the night was the lady with her head parked behind one of the ballroom doors barfing her brains out. Cheese and wine isn't so appetizing when it's in reverse. Jesus lady, the bathroom was only 20 feet away, what the fuck? Next, I went downstairs on some unrelated business and who did I bump into on the way down? None other than Pat Benatar! She didn't have makeup on and was totally dressed up like a tourist, hat and all. Pat looked a lot older than I expected she would. Think she's playing in concert tomorrow night at Old Tucson. So a little while later as things were winding down Rural Metro showed up with one of their ambulances for a medical emergency. Not sure what was wrong with the lady they had on the stretcher but they whisked her away pretty quickly. The husband was so drunk that he couldn't stand without someone holding him up. Foster Brooks didn't have shit on this guy, he was toast and then some. Resort management and his friends took his keys away from him but only after pleading with him for over a half an hour and then wheeled him out to a friends car via a wheel chair. The whole time he was mumbling about how he was o.k. to drive and he was going to kill somebody. The song "Party Gone Out Of Bounds" by The B52s bounced around in my head for a while after witnessing that. Alas, the function came to a end and we had a mess from hell to clean up. I swear to god that we poured at least $50,000 (if not more) worth of alcohol down the drain, no lie. It's against Arizona State law to remove opened bottles of alcohol from the premises so it had to be thrown out. I'm tempted to drink a beer and go to bed now.


One last thing! I removed a lot of the images from this page for faster downloading time. If you liked the images, post a comment, otherwise I will no longer add them so that this page can load faster.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

PROMISES


Josie crawled into bed this morning and was teasing the hell out of me. She said she was all horned up but we couldn't do anything because Miranda's cousin Pricilla was staying over. Then she told me that tonight I would get lucky. Whatever! For me that is the kiss of no sex death. I to this date, in all my years being married to Josie, have never gotten ANY after being promised it would happen at a certain place or time. NEVER! It's a sick joke and I have no idea what the punchline is supposed to be. Element of surprise maybe?


BAD BOYS


A cop pulled up to the neighbors house today. Bill and the cop stood there for quite a long time, they chatted an Bill pointed, waved his hands and was extremely animated. Bill is from New York and is totally a stereotype. He's loud, obnoxious, but an all around great guy. Wonder what that was all about. It's been a quiet neighborhood for the past month since the only people renting on this street (drug pushers) got kicked out.


JOB


For the first time in years I want to quit my job and find something new. Our resort is going to hell because of the economy and new management. Get a clue you stupid corporate fucks! Why do you think our team is the highest rated in the USA out of all of the Westin brand? Because we know what were doing, that's why. So go ahead and fuck it all up, change it all around, make our product look like shit and watch your numbers and revenue plummet. Stupid fuckers.


Friday, August 15, 2003

QUOTE OF THE DAY


"No God ever gave any man anything, nor ever answered any prayer at any time, nor ever will."

-- Madalyn Murray O'Hair

Great words of wisdom! Wouldn't it be nice if some fairy tail being came and granted wishes and all of that? The truth is that there never has been any such being nor will there ever be. I've never seen any shred of evidence to support any real gods existence. So to all my Christian friends (yes, they are still my friends) keep on dreaming. But Joe, aren't you a Satanist? Don't you worship fast food the devil? Yes, someone really asked me that. The answer? Uh, no. Guess you've never listened to anything I've said. I don't believe in your devil anymore than I do your god. Yes, I call myself a pagan but I'm not Wiccan or a witch. My belief system is pagan, and I'm a hedonist. I don't subscribe to Satanism (the La Vey brand, not inverted Christianity) because of it's ritualistic and narcissistic nature, but I do share many of the same ideas. I do not subscribe to any religious belief system, period. I'm a human first and last.


Wednesday, August 13, 2003

DEATH AND THE FOOL



Added a new blog to the roll today. Sister Mary Karen is the blog of an ex-Catholic going through the change. I went through it too, not from Catholicism but from Christianity in general. It's very much death and the fool from the tarot. Doesn't mean anyone is going to die (you've been watching too many movies!) or that your an idiot, but rather the end of a cycle and the start of a new journey. I can honestly say that I tried to justify the existence of god for a very long time, even though in my heart I knew I just didn't buy it. I think it's the ingraining from my parents that resisted the most. So what are the positive things that breaking free bestowed upon me? Well, I don't get anxiety attacks anymore because I'm no longer overwhelmed with what Jesus might think of my sorry ass. I have about .000000009% of the guilt. I'm not afraid of burning for ever. What kind of sick fuck burns people for ever, honestly!?! I'm no longer distracted with delusions of grandeur, or feel sorry for people who are not saved. I love being a Pagan! I love the Left Hand Path, now if I could only go back to being fresh out of high school minus the Christian hang-ups! Do you have any idea how many hot chicks wanted to party with me back then but I couldn't because Jesus wouldn't let me. Oh, silly little Christian me...


PRESIDENT


G.W. was in Tucson a couple of days ago to view the damage done by the Aspen fire on Mt. Lemmon. He arrived at the Air Force base and then took a helicopter to the mountain. The path from the base to the mountain goes right over my house, so I got to see the helicopter fly over. Big whoop. Props to the guy who broke through the barricade and got shot to death. Not a good idea to drink and drive.


OVERJOYED


School starts tomorrow! Praise Jesus, or Hern, or whatever god it is that you subscribe to!!! I'm going to enjoy the request free days (or is it daze) and bask in the quietness of it all. I love my kids but it's time to go back to school now.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003

INSOMNIA


Insomnia sucks the big blue ball sack. I felt tired earlier and thought I was going to be sleeping tonight. I dozed off for about a half hour or so and I'm wide awake now. It's almost 1:00 a.m. now. Thanks Jesus!


GRISLY ADAMS AND PRIVATE PARTS


Armando from work is pretty funny. He's from Mexico but recently became an United States Citizen, but that doesn't mean his English is any better than my Spanish. At work he was trying to explain a t.v. show that he keeps seeing, and struggling to do it at the same time. He said it was a show where some naked guy with long hair and glasses has people in his cabin come in and make weird noises with their privates. "Who is this he asked?" Dane answered, "Grisly Adams." "Yes! That's who it is!" Armando replied. We all just about peed ourselves at this. After quite a bit of probing I figured out that he had been watching Howard Stern on E. I still like the idea of Grisly Adams forcing people to make noises with their genitalia in his cabin though. I'm an easy guy to please.


WATCH IT MISTER


Bought the extended version of Dances With Wolves on DVD yesterday. Boy talk about long! Anyway, we were watching it last night and the part came up where the Lieutenant was along for the hunt for buffalo. A huge bull strays from the pack and is about to run over Smiles A Lot and the Lieutenant shoots it and saves the boys life. Wind In His Hair comes over and cuts the tongue from the bull and takes a hearty bite out of it and offers it to the Lieutenant. Miranda spoke up at this point and said, "Careful buddy, you don't know where that tongues been!" She's obviously gained my sick sense of humor.

Saturday, August 09, 2003

DREAM WEIRDNESS




Oh my! That was just plain weird. I'm dreaming that I'm on vacation and I'm at a resort trying to check in but people keep cutting in line right in front of me. There is a tank convention going on. People are talking about tanks, there is a huge tank out on the lawn for display, a lady is talking about the film about tanks is just about to start and she needs to get going. All I can do is think about how rude people are, I go to our room and get simi-situated and start talking about who knows what while Josie is flipping through channels on t.v. and happens upon a porn channel. She just keeps flipping through channels and I go back to see if I can get checked in this time (lord only knows how I got keys to the room). I get to the desk and people are cutting in front of me again, I protest and make my way to the front of the line where they start checking me in. Several packages are waiting for me along with a letter from the car rental agency. The letter is urgent, saying I have to return the car to Houston Texas right away because I violated the rental agreement. Why Texas? I feel panicked all of a sudden. Then there is a package and a huge stack of papers with some official seal on them. Typed on the package wrapper is ARIZONA:PERVERT. Brandon woke me up at this very moment asking for a glass of milk. Who knows what the fuck that was about or were it was going. I can tell it's going to be a weird day.


Wal-Mart PHONE CALL


As we were strolling into Wal-Mart last night we passed by a line of pay phones. One of them was ringing so I picked it up. I always pick up ringing pay phones because it's generally fun to fuck with the people on the other end. They guy on the other end had a heavy Chicano accent. So here is the conversation that ensued:



ME: Hello?

PHONE GUY: Yo man, where's Andrique? Has he got the shit? (sounds like: As EEE got dah sheet?)

ME: Ah yeah, he's got the shit!

PHONE GUY: How much es it going to cost, man?

ME: 25 cents

PHONE GUY: 25 cents? What the....?

ME: Yep, 25 cents.

PHONE GUY: Fuck, put Andrique on the phone!

ME: It's 25 cents, Andrique doesn't want to talk to your lame ass anyway.

PHONE GUY: Fuck you! What kind of cheap ass shit are you trying to sell, 25 cents...

ME: It's the best cheap ass shit you can by for that price, take it or leave it.

PHONE GUY: Aw fuck, put Andrique on the phone!



I hand the phone to Brandon, who is five by the way. I whisper in his ear to say, odelay vato.

BRANDON: Odelay, vato...............(grimace) Dad, he hung up.....


THE STUPIDS, REBATE CHECKS, AND EATING OUT


Ah, plans ruined by the in-laws (the stupids) once again. We were going out to eat because I got my $760 worth in escrow back from Principle Financial, long story. Anyway, I got the money back, with a letter explaining why and all, and I'm back to where I needed to be for the summer. The resort business slows down to deaths pace during the summer and I don't make much money during this period so I have to be careful not to over spend. So, business will be picking back up in a few weeks and I'll be busy as hell making money again. So seeing I had my money back I told Josie and the kids that we would go out and eat wherever they wanted to go. Well, we couldn't just get going because her sister was going to come over and pick up the old gas stove we replaced around Christmas. Fine, it's been sitting in the garage for about eight months. So an hour passes buy and they haven't stopped by for the stove. Josie calls to see if they are coming for the stove. Yes, they will be right over. Another hour passes. I'm happy to be getting rid of the stove but our chances for going out and eating someplace nice is diminishing by every hour. Josie calls once again, they are just leaving. They live about ten minutes away from us but it takes them another half an hour to get to our place. It's now 7:30 p.m. and we get the stove loaded and sent off by 8:15 p.m. Fine, we still have a chance. We all get in the car, and Josie ends up in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. What is going on? Josie needs to get some things. Protest! Protest denied. Josie is one of those people who spends over an hour no matter where she's shopping. We are walking into Wal-Mart when I had an interesting phone call. We do manage to get out of Wal-Mart by 9:00 p.m. but it's too late to get into most places because they are closing by then. So we got burgers at Wendys. Yuck.


Wednesday, August 06, 2003

PAUL STANLEY AND GROCERY SHOPPING



O.k. you all know who Paul Stanley of Kiss is, right? Well, I didn't actually see him at the grocery store but I did see someone pushing a small Paul Stanley doll around the store today. This lady was pushing it around, it sitting in the seat just like a little kid, and she was talking to it too boot. You know how you can just tell someone is gone just by the look in their eye? She was over the fence! Hey Babe Ruth, I say you should take your medication next time before you go looking to buy lunch meat for your favorite white bread.


DAY 3


Those ladies from Phoenix are still at the resort. Those girls can eat! I'm not shittin' you either. The plan is this, 10 cookies on 1 plate for 10 people, pure and simple. No, I don't have any more Tabasco, you used it all! Yes, I see you waving at me from across the room, you and 50 other people, your not in my section and I can't help you. You said "No comiendo" which means not eating. If your not eating then why are you swatting at my hand when I'm picking up your empty plate? To the ladies to the south of my section, thanks for the nice complement. I'm impressed you remembered my name, I wasn't wearing my name tag today. To the perfect girl, stop it, I can't work and gawk at the same time.


BRANDON


I love him to death but he's pushing me the past two days. I think he's testing to see how far he can go before I lose it. Buddy, I'm just about there. God am I glad school starts in one more week! I can't even remember the last time I had half a day without someone yelling DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Monday, August 04, 2003

LATINAS EN LA CASA


We had Chicanos Por La Causa at the resort tonight. It was a room full of about 250 Latina women here from Phoenix. You all know how I feel about Latinas, that is why I married one. Well, I understand some Spanish, enough to understand what is being said in a conversation if I'm paying attention and people are not talking to fast. Well, I was working my station with Will and Dane (we always get the biggest section to work) and we had about 70 people to serve. During service this one young lady from another table came over to say hi to the ladies at one of our tables. She was just drop dead perfect, and I had some sort of epiphany. I was just dumbstruck and my jaw must have hit the floor. What brought me back to reality was a couple of the ladies at the table were talking about me staring at this beautiful woman, in Spanish. On lady says, "Look, do you see him?" The other asks, "Who?" Lady one, "Him, the white guy, I think he likes her." So I woke up and walked away, caught my breath, and went back to work. I have the same group of women tomorrow for a lunch function, should be interesting. Speaking of work, they have increased our workload considerably and that means less down time. I'm fine with that to a degree but it's going to fuck things up on a regular basis and our product is going to look like shit in the long run. Fine, so be it. I'm going to complain about it to management every time something doesn't get done because they want to save a couple of bucks. Cheap fuckers.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

FILTER FREE


Dennis is constantly telling me (and everybody else) that I have no filter. You know the one that kicks in and keeps you from saying or yelling things out at inopportune moments. Well, seeing I just spent an entire week in Nebraska I had a little anger pent up towards rednecks. So here I am standing at the lovely buffet we had set up for the group staying at the resort, The Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, and I'm babbling on about how this trip to Nebraska has amplified my dislike for rednecks. Well, this was a group of rednecks we were serving and Dennis basically told me to shut up before someone picked up one of the guns they were auctioning off and shot my silly ass. I did. This was a convention for hunters of elk, and they were calling themselves conservationists to boot. I took the first cut at work because when the auction started I nearly lost my mind. I've been to a million cattle and estate auctions in my life and this was by far one of the worst auctioneers I've ever heard. He sounded like Porky Pig on acid. I went home and went to bed.


HEY YOU!


This goes out the following people:


THE LADY ON THE CELL PHONE:


Watch where the fuck your going! I should have let you hit me in traffic yesterday. Your brand new SUV would have suffered a whole lot more than my shitty little KIA.


WAIF GIRL


Yes, I saw you smiling at me at the grocery store! Yes, I found you attractive. Yes, I love thin petite chicks, but Jesus Christ lady eat something! I've never seen anyone with such paper thin hips before. You intrigue and yet frighten me.


PHONE SALESPERSON


Learn the definition of the word no, you stupid fuck. If you had listened to me tell you no then I wouldn't have wasted so much of your time, putting down my phone, yelling at grandpa to get back in his cage. Yelling at grandpa to stop pissing himself. Yelling at grandpa, asking him if he knew how hard it was to get shit stains out of berber carpet. Next time someone starts doing this I would either hang up or call 911.


OLD HAG


Were you surprised that I openly mocked you in public? Shut up and listen to your grandchildren. If you had stopped bitching and listened to them you would have known what they were talking about. You are the archetype of old hags. I've never seen such an unpleasant and bitter person before. I think I had you down pretty good, even the accent was there. By the way, those people laughing at me doing an impression of you were not my friends, I didn't know them any more than you did but maybe you can now see how others perceive you. I hope you don't do this all of the time.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

TORNADO



Had the recurring tornado dream last night. I was in Burwell Nebraska in front of Mr. Pipers house. He was my history teacher, and I hate that fucker. Anyway, I see tornadoes in the distance and I'm lecturing people on which tornadoes are dangerous. Well, there were about a dozen of these bitches whipping around and it finally dawns on me that I'm in danger. I seek shelter and the tornadoes all go away. I come out from where I was hiding and they start to come back. I end up hiding by the brick wall in front of where Katrina Crick (first girl I ever loved, I was 8) lived when I was in grade school. The wind tries to take me but the tornado lifts up back into this ominous looking storm cloud and I escape. This could be labeled as a nightmare because I was scared shitless when I woke up.


DARK VORTEX


While in Nebraska my brother, my mom, and I were talking about my weird fucking life. We talked about the guy on the bike who got hit by a car last year in front of me and lost his head. I pulled my car over and got out then started yelling at the guy who was speeding like a mad man and hit the crack smoking bicyclist. This guy would have only gotten a speeding ticket at most seeing that the guy on the bike was high as hell and rode into traffic. He would have only gotten a speeding ticket but it was too much for him to handle and he ran home and blew his head off. His poor buddy who had a head in his lap is scarred for life I'm sure. We then talked about the guy who sped past us a couple of months later with more than 60 cop cars chasing him (I shit you not!) down the street in his pickup. I was lucky I pulled over to let the plethora of cop cars go by because if I hadn't I would have witnessed him wrecking his truck just around the corner, getting out of the truck and then pointing his gun at said plethora, and then taking about 20 bullets. I think it was the two that hit him in the head that killed him. We also talked about my paranormal experience with this girl Laura I was starting to date back in the late 80's and how if it hadn't been for that happening I would have never dated Josie. We talked about some of the weird crap that happened to me when we were kids (I know I'm being vague but I don't want to come off as a total nut case) and how it freaked the hell out of my brother on a regular basis. He said I'm a magnet for this kind of shit and that I'm surrounded by some weird vortex. I would have to agree. If there weren't people around when the majority of this shit goes down I would have myself committed.