Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Monday, September 10, 2018
When did this all start? I had to start thinking about how this all started because I just can't handle realty any more. It started with my childhood. Weird shit that happened, being bullied by people I grew up with, family, teachers, religion. But the breaking point happened when I found out that my wife had been cheating on me, for the second time, at least as far as I know.
My wife admitted to an affair with some white guy, and now says she never said any such thing. The constant lying coupled with the knowledge, I have pictures of someone I know texting her about eating her pussy, that she constantly cheats on me, yeah, that was when I broke. I still cry about it all, even though less often. The person who went on and on about needing to be married, the person I though was my best friend, decided that fucking other guys was what she needed. The person who can't be intimate with me on a normal level, due to a rape she told me happened when she was six, by her brother who just happened to die last week and is being buried tomorrow. I married an unfaithful pathological liar.
I found out about the rape and affair after pressing for information after being lied to about where she had been, and who she had been with one day. She told me she was going to go do stuff with her niece, but then said niece called me at work and asked if I had seen my wife. I explained that she had called me an hour earlier and said she was shopping with said niece. Niece expressed she had not talked to my wife in weeks. A week before she had lied about cleaning a house. I bumped into the person who owns that house, later that day and they asked how Josie was doing. My wife told me she bought her lunch that day, so I mentioned them having lunch and was told, no, I haven't seen your wife in a couple of weeks. Leaving for hours to go hang with people that never hung out on those days. This wasn't me being snoopy either, it was just carelessness and lying manifesting itself in every day life. I left work that day and confronted my wife who told me not only had she been having an affair with some guy she met at a bar, but also admitted that she had been raped when she was six by her brother. She now denies this conversation ever happened.
So, I moved on. Forgiveness right? Well, a couple of years later the pattern starts again. This time I get her phone when she walks away and find texting between her and a co worker about being in love, and how (in broken English) he couldn't wait to eat her pussy and I think an attempt at saying clitoris. That is the point my life changed. That broke me. That is the starting point of all of this. I had a heart attack soon after and didn't know it. My second heart attack and cause of my current condition happened a couple of years later.
I have had a sexless relationship void of intimacy with my wife since then, nor will I ever have that type of relationship with her ever again. I've asked for a divorce and she will not give me one.
So, that is when I broke. I'm beyond repair physically and mentally at this point. I couldn't have an intimate relationship with anyone ever again at this point. I've also come to realize that I no longer enjoy the company of people. I don't trust anyone any more. The sooner I am gone the better.
Posted by Joe at 6:40:00 PM
Posted by Joe at 5:34:00 PM
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Posted by Joe at 10:22:00 PM
Wednesday, August 01, 2018
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
So who needs friends? I guess we all do. I don't have a ton of friends these days. After my heart attack and then transplant I started to push people away. It was just easier to do that with all that was going on. I really began to see just how petty others are. Hey, I get it, we are all shitty in the long run, me included so I'm not being delusional or narcissist. But, the miles of crocodile tears and false concern I had to wade through was astounding. People publicly crying about my condition were the first to display passive aggressive attitudes with snide comments. People you thought cared really didn't.
So, I just hit round three of trying to die this past few weeks. I survived but at what cost? It was a combination of things that caused this, but depression played into it deep. I feel isolated with no way out, or at least I was. I was bothered by the lack of concern from others on so many levels that I just didn't see why I should have any either. So called friends, family, associates, dealing with shitty insurance. It piled up and it got the best of me.
Today is a new day. I trudge on. Maybe it's time to make new friends and just say FUCK THE HATERS. It's my life, why should I care what shit people think. If you don't like me or my situation, then just stay the fuck away, you were never my friend anyway, no matter how you convinced yourself you were.
Posted by Joe at 1:20:00 PM
Thursday, June 01, 2017
Then suddenly, I was in a library, talking with some people about how aliens wouldn't look anything like us, or be anything like us if they came from a different universe, or even galaxy. Then it was clear that the library was part of some paranormal investigators office, and I was setting off some electronic device used to detect certain types of electromagnetic waves. This wasn't normal, and the device was emitting an unusual noise indicating that it was at max capacity on it's detection chart. The noise turned into my daughters voice crying out, "DAD!" in a very worried state. I tried to call her and couldn't reach her, and I started to panic. This is where the dream ended as it wok me up.
Posted by Joe at 8:00:00 AM