Sunday, February 16, 2020


I'm in a better place. Things are indeed better at this moment. I looks like I got approved for SSDI after almost a year. Not as angry and hurt by everything as much as I was the past couple of years. I had to accept the fact that I had a heart transplant, I'm not the person I was, I can't work anymore. Still, I'm emotional as hell. It's the steroids I'm sure. They have altered me. The slightest thing makes me cry, or at least drives me in that direction. Music, my love for pets, stuff like that. I'm glad I'm still alive, but I want to be me, the old me. Fuck, I'd do it all different, dick in the air and bold as hell.  Don't let your mind fuck you out of enjoying life. Don't let religion hinder you, rob you of epic moments, make you doubt your worth. Go ask that guy, or girl if they want to go see a movie. Take that trip you have been thinking of. Do what makes you happy. Fuck what people think, enjoy being  you, just be you. It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, brown, white, yellow, fat, skinny, or like in my case, just a silly rude bastard.

Monday, January 27, 2020


I have been a bit too much as of late. I love my pets, but I bopped two of them too hard the past few days. I hit The Bean and Monkey both on the head, and harder than I wanted too. Both bit me. Bean, in a fight with her sister Pookie, and I tried to break it up. I bopped her on the head to get her to stop. Monkey, bit my hand because He does it when you pet him sometimes. He gets so into it that he ends up doing a bite. He knows he isn't supposed to, but will do it anyway. So, I got both of them, in a matter of a day or so. I am so ashamed of this that I've sat here crying over it. They both know I love them, but I hate the fact that I hit them in any capacity. I don't think I will do it ever again. This has caused me more pain and self hatred than I can even admit. It makes me hate myself. I don't deserve to have such fine entities living here.

Thursday, July 04, 2019

My Friend

Wouldn't this all just be better if I were no longer here. I'm worthless at this point, I can hardly control my body. I'm tired of crying.

Saturday, May 04, 2019


So, the journey begins again. Looks like this is going to happen in the next few months. I'm stoked. Joined a guild, secured a spot as a hunter for raiding. Will try to post pictures and so forth as this progresses.


Things got better. Had a talk with them all a few months back and told them I was tired of feeling like I was nobody. I think they understood.


I may not be working any more. I'm just too frail at this point to do what I've done all these years. 27 and 1/2 years. The heart transplant and everything this past four years has ground me to dirt. I just can't  do it anymore. I'll die if I do.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018


Time to keep tabs on getting screwed at work. Today, I was scheduled for a dinner shift. Got there, no function. Nobody told me it was canceled. I also put in PTO recently and it never got processed. Will be taking pictures of completed paper work from now on.

Monday, September 10, 2018

When did this all start? I had to start thinking about how this all started because I just can't handle realty any more. It started with  my childhood. Weird shit that happened, being bullied by people I grew up with, family, teachers, religion. But the breaking point happened when I found out that my wife had been cheating on me, for the second time, at least as far as I know. 

My wife admitted to an affair with some white guy, and now says she never said any such thing. The constant lying coupled with the knowledge, I have pictures of someone I know texting her about eating her pussy, that she constantly cheats on me, yeah, that was when I broke. I still cry about it all, even though less often. The person who went on and on about needing to be married, the person I though was my best friend, decided that fucking other guys was what she needed. The person who can't be intimate with me on a normal level, due to a rape she told me happened when she was six, by her brother who just happened to die last week and is being buried tomorrow. I married an unfaithful pathological liar.

I found out about the rape and affair after pressing for information after being lied to about where she had been, and who she had been with one day. She told me she was going to go do stuff with her niece, but then said niece called me at work and asked if I had seen my wife. I explained that she had called me an hour earlier and said she was shopping with said niece. Niece expressed she had not talked to my wife in weeks. A week before she had lied about cleaning a house. I bumped into the person who owns that house, later that day and they asked how Josie was doing. My wife told me she bought her lunch that day, so I mentioned them having lunch and was told, no, I haven't seen your wife in a couple of weeks. Her leaving for hours to go hang with people that never came around anymore, that couldn't get on the phone to say hi. They were always outside, or using the bathroom, or not able to say hi. This wasn't me being snoopy either, it was just her carelessness and lying manifesting itself in every day life. I left work that day and confronted my wife who told me not only had she been having an affair with some guy she met at a bar, but also admitted that she had been raped when she was six by her brother. She now denies this conversation ever happened. She lives in a world of constant lies that can't be confirmed and don't jive with reality.

So, I moved on. Forgiveness right? Well, a couple of years later the pattern starts again. This time I get her phone when she walks away and find texting between her and a co worker about being in love, and how (in broken English) he couldn't wait to eat her pussy and I think an attempt at saying clitoris. That is the point my life changed. That broke me.  That is the starting point of all of this. I had a heart attack soon after and didn't know it. My second heart attack and the cause of my current condition happened a couple of years later.

I have had a sexless relationship void of intimacy with my wife since then, nor will I ever have that type of relationship with her ever again. I've asked for a divorce and she will not give me one.

So, that is when I broke. I'm beyond repair physically and mentally at this point. I couldn't have an intimate relationship with anyone ever again at this point. I've also come to realize that I no longer enjoy the company of most people. I don't trust anyone any more. The sooner I am gone the better.


Thinking of just ending it. Nobody  really cares. Going over in my head reasons to stay. My animals are one. My family doesn't care so fuck that. People at work don't really, fuck them. I don't like the current stated of the world at all. I'm just at a lost for words. I  have to type this out, if anything, to keep myself from just giving up. I'm pretty close. So for now, I'm isolating myself in my room. I don't want anything to do with anybody, I have given up. Nobody listened to anything I said when I came home from the hospital. Nobody cares. Why should I? Change my mind....

Tuesday, August 07, 2018

Time to just throw in the towel?

Nobody cares. Nobody listens. I state my case and all I get is, excuses on why people in my house can't get jobs and help out here. I'm getting depressed again. I won't waist away this time. It will be quick, over with, and everyone will just be fucked. That is my current situation.