Thursday, July 31, 2003


Ah, alas I'm back in Tucson where I belong after a week of virtual redneck liveliness in the Mecca known as Burwell Nebraska. And yes it was rodeo week so the rednecks were out in droves, dressed up in dungarees and western shirts, pants tucked neatly into ones boots, and let us not forget the cowboy hat. Everyone wears a cowboy hat unless they are wearing a baseball cap with farm equipment logos printed on them. If you've ever seen the movies Pure Country or Eight Seconds then you will know the kind of people I spent the week dealing with.


So my brothers and I stayed in the rental house behind where my parents live. First impression was a haunted crack house, but it was actually kind of nice staying there because it was away from all of the mayhem. We had the air conditioner cranked up as high as it would go and that place was as dark and frigid as a Turkish prison. We were free of all the little kids and the uninvited guests the wouldn't go away. That would be my sister-in-laws parents and her brother and one of his friends. They were a gaggle of rednecks. They invited themselves down for the rodeo, tried to weasel their way into sleeping at my parents house (no room, didn't work) and successfully invited themselves to four meals. By the way, these fuckers ate my birthday cake which was made for me, and I didn't even get to eat it! I'm holding a grudge at this point because it was a German chocolate cake, and that was their first major fuckup. They ended up causing a lot of stress which caused a blow out between my dad and I. I Offered to get rid of them five times but my parents wouldn't go for it because they are good Christian people. Well I'm not a Christian and would have loved to been able to tell them to leave. So my dad was stressed out having to help cook for all of these people and ended up yelling at me at one point because I was helping and he thought the steaks we were cooking were burning. They weren't and I took off because I wasn't going to allow these bastards to upset me to the point they had my father. This was a good thing though because that is what it took to get them to realize that they were imposing. Things are cool between my dad and I now. My younger bothers kids are all pretty young still. He has two girls, ages four and three, and a son who just turned 14 months. The two girls are afraid of everything. We took our Chihuahua Nicky with us and they were frightened to death of him, so we kept him at the crack house. They are afraid of all bugs, water coming out of hoses, tractors, or just about anything that moves. I kept calling Winter, the four year old, Ted Johnson. I had to quit because my sister-in-law has no sense of humor and could see no reason for me to call her that. Well, there wasn't a reason, I'm just deranged.


1. When a redneck asks you your name and you tell them what it is, I think the phrase "That'll do" means "Glad to meet you Joe!"

2. Even though I grew up in the Midwest in a rodeo town I have absolutely no ties to the culture there whatsoever.

3. Just because someone is selling something labeled as authentic Mexican food at a rodeo in Nebraska doesn't make it so.

4. I fucking hate my sister-in-laws rude redneck family.

5. I can go an entire week without masturbating or having sex.

6. People still refer to soda as pop in the Midwest. Brandon was confused as hell when someone asked him if he wanted a pop.

9. I'm nothing like my dad yet we are very much the same.

10. A boner is a boner no matter where you are in the United States.


The house my mom rented for us belongs to a lady named Sharon. She is the mother of one of my younger brothers friends from high school. It belonged to his grandmother and his mom now owns it. She rents this house out to people, and they have never taken out any of the belongings! Everything from a diary and family photographs to antique everything and old lady trousers are still in this house. We read the grandfathers diary which ended a couple days after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. We found the scariest baby picture ever taken. Must have been the grandmother when she was a baby. The photo was both ancient and of the devil. A female called out my name when I was alone in the house. Even though this freaked me out pretty bad I still slept there for four nights. Josie and Miranda heard footsteps coming up the steps from the basement when nobody was down there. Josie wouldn't go back in the house for a couple of days. It was a cool place to hang out in for the most part. I'll write more later, Josie is hounding me to go get stuff at the supermarket.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

On vacation in Burwell Nebraska. It's rodeo time! My brother James arrived today with his family, and tomorrow my brother Jeff will be here. My mom rented this place for us next door that I had never been in growing up. If it isn't a haunted crack house then I don't know what it is! We have the upstairs rented, down stairs rented to the band playing for the big dance tonight. This should be fun. It's nice and cool compared to Tucson. Highlights of the trip out were Nicky taking a dump on Brandon's pillow and Josie freaking out every five seconds because of my driving. I'll write more when I'm back in Tucson. My mom has a dial up connection and an ancient computer to boot. I'm going to be too afraid to sleep in that house tonight! Miranda won't even go over there!

Sunday, July 20, 2003


Yea Joe, tell us all about the insomnia again! I know, shut the fuck up and stop crying. Well, it's 12:30 a.m. and I can tell I'm going to be up for a while. Josie and Miranda went to a wedding tonight so it was just Brandon and I at home by ourselves. It was nice because I took him to McDonalds for about two hours where he played and enjoyed some of Tucson's finest dining, and I got to listen to kids scream bloody murder as I read a novel about vampires. At one point there were four adults whistling the theme from Mayberry RFD. That was disturbing as hell. So two hours inside the play area still beats the hell out of the heat at the park! We got home around 9:00 p.m. and I watched crap in the living room while Brandon watched shit in my bedroom. I actually felt tired around 11:00 p.m. so I went and laid down in my bedroom and tried to go to sleep while Brandon watched some vintage Scooby Doo. It took me about an hour to get to sleep, but I managed. Well, I'm sleeping which is a miracle seeing how hot it is in Tucson, and then the door bell rings waking me up. First I thought it was a dream but then a knock on the door. It's Josie and Miranda home from the wedding.Oh, they forgot to take a key to the house. So now I'm up and I can't sleep again. Josie still doesn't understand insomnia so she doesn't understand why I'm so angry, doesn't understand I'm going to be up till 5:00 a.m. or later trying to get back to where I was an hour and a half ago. FUCK FUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCK!!! Fuck...


Oh it's on to Burwell! Burwell is a small rodeo town in Nebraska, where every thing is named after rodeo. There is the rodeo motel, the rodeo theater, and even the Burwell rodeo will be going on while I'm there. Check out the link and click on the business section. You can click on the different businesses and see pictures of where I grew up. It will be 20 year of living in Tucson for me next year. I love Tucson, even though it's one hot bitch. So I will still post stuff here when I have a chance for the next few weeks. Louie is going to stay here and take care of the the dogs and bird bird. Nicky is going with us though, that should be fun. A teacup chihuahua and a five year old boy in the back seat of a rental car for 12 hour a day for two days. Wish me luck! Somewhere in the background I can hear Stevie Nicks singing, "I can't wait, I can't wait..."

Saturday, July 19, 2003


What a long day! The main things that got accomplished today, refinanced our house for 5.5% (was 7.25%) and got the Direct TV multi-satellite dish installed so that we can watch out local channels with ease. They just started carrying local channels, rabbit ears suck! Got blindsided by a $750 fee at the title agency that I wasn't told about in advance. Motherfuckers. Tomorrow holds promise though, Josies brother Louie is coming over to help get rid of some tree branches and the dogs couch. It's time for that bad boy to go away. They will be sleeping on a floor cushion for dogs and when Josie is pissed off at me I will be sleeping there with them. I'm too tired to reference ball licking and ass sniffing at this wee hour of the morning.


Took an I.Q. test a couple days ago and did pretty good. Scored above average. Still not a genius though. I'm still to tired to reference ball licking. I have to go to bed now, I need sleep.

Thursday, July 17, 2003


Is this the face you want to see in traffic? Me neither, but I found myself making one just like it at some stranger that was staring at me in traffic on the way to work a couple of days ago. This isn't the first time it has happened. I don't know why I'm compelled to make strange faces at people and I do it all of the time. It's not limited to people who are staring at me in traffic, my friends get a healthy dose of it daily. Most of them find it amusing though. I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time, it's just me being silly. I'm gong to get my ass kicked one of these days and even though I'm sure I will have it coming to me, I will probably be shocked as hell and wonder what I had done to deserve it.


When I was younger I was afraid to walk out in the open under the sky. I would run from tree to tree just to get to school. This went on for a couple of years. Why was I doing this? When I understood just how vast the universe is, how infinite it is, I couldn't endure the feeling of how minuscule I was when standing under the sky, the reality of how tiny I was and how vast and extensive the ceiling above me was. I've come to terms with that, but I still can't go more than to my knees when I'm in the ocean. Lakes I can handle, but the ocean is just to big. Isn't that weird?


Remembering back my sons first words were "Go lay down!" I guess telling our skittish little chihuahua to go lay down thousands of times a day influenced him a little. Soon after that came pointing at the dog and saying "Your a little bastard!" Oops, my bad...

Wednesday, July 16, 2003


When you hear those two words doesn't it conjure up a thousand wild images, a cornucopia of ribaldry and misplaced genitalia? Well, last night I was thrown into a situation where I had to work a "bachelor party" because of a gas main break over at the Country Club. Some idiot drove one of the electric carts into the gas main over there and almost blew himself up and caused the evacuation and closing of the country club for the next 48 hours. Anyway, this party was just about to kick off over there when all the shit went down and it had to be moved over to the resort, so Kyle and I get nabbed to throw this mad bastard into existence in about 15 minutes, a world record seeing that we had next to no information about what was about to transpire. So Cynthia (she's and older lady originally from Trinidad) comes down and tells us she heard there is going to be strippers! Fuck Yeah!! We set up this table with twelve place settings for dinner with wine and everything and things get started, these rich white country club looking gentlemen ranging in ages from 20ish to 50 ish enter the room. They have notes and bibles with them. Dinner service starts and for the next three hours these guys go on to tell the man of honor how to go about his marriage according to the bible. The end. Cynthia comes back about two hours into this wild party and wonders if the strippers have come in yet. We explained that the only thing being exposed were "scriptures" and that is it. Mrs. know-it-all wouldn't believe us. Where is Adrian Zmed when you need him? Where was the wild titties and ass shaking? Why do I feel like I've been let down?

Monday, July 14, 2003

Praise Cheese Sauce!!

Deion Sanders just scored a touchdown for Jesus. Oh, it never ceases to amaze me what crazy shit people will do in the name of their poor latinized messiah. The story goes like this, Deion has his 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible taken in to be fixed where he racks up a bill just over $4200. When the car is delivered to the Sanders residence his wife takes the keys and the invoices for the work done and walks into her home and doesn't come back out. Then his bodyguards and housekeepers move their cars around his newly repaired convertible so they can't tow it back. When Sanders pulls up and takes a look at the invoice he writes out a check for $1500 and writes the following: "Praise Jesus, I follow what in my heart I'm told to pay." So, in my heart I'm told I'm to be procreating with hot Asian chicks, but Josie would kick my ass if I even expressed my interest to fulfill gods plan for me. Seriously Deion, give me a break you cheap ass bastard!


Brandon has a new pastime, and he seems to be doing it mostly around two or three in the morning. He's suddenly become a sleepwalker! Two nights ago Brandon got up then came in and turned on the television in our room. He stood in the corner for a few seconds then he went into our bathroom, climbed up on the toilet, then stared into the sink. We asked him what he though he was doing but he had no clue. We sent him back to bed and he went back to sleep. Last night Brandon does the same thing, he walks over to the television and turns it on. He then walks out to the kitchen and gets the milk out of the refrigerator and starts pouring it on the floor. Josie had just waxed the floor that morning so she got pretty angry about that little stunt. Again he was asked what he was doing and he didn't know. I asked him a little bit ago why he has been doing it and he told me because he loved sleepwalking, and that it was his job. I informed him it doesn't pay well.


If you've ever been to Tucson in the summer then you know what people mean when they say "fucking hot!" Well, it's been real fucking hot in Tucson, and it seems to behoove morons to leave their children behind and locked inside their vehicles. There have been about four cases these past two weeks where people have done this. It's been around 109ºF and I can only imagine how hot it gets inside a locked vehicle. A couple of these kids have baked to death because of this. I just can't understand this, it's beyond me.


Brandon is demanding we go to the park. It's just too hot, so I'm going to surprise him and take him to McDonalds instead. Air-conditioned play gym and chocolate shakes! It's better than crack cocaine or even your favorite bukkake video! Got to go!!

Saturday, July 12, 2003


Mystery solved, it's the skin and blubber of a sperm whale. I guess what happens is just this, the carcass rots in the ocean until the bones simply detach and sink while the skin and blubber stay afloat. So, no mystery animal, no toxic avenging brain, no fun!


Nerds. Funny as they may be nerds grow up to be smart nerds with lots of money. The group we have in-house are a bunch of medical research people but it was basically a nerd convention. Don't get me wrong, it's way cool that they are spending lots of cash where I work and keeping me employed, but ease up a bit people. The funniest part of the evening was when I was changing out some of the pies they had for desert and guess who I hear behind me?

Yep, Marvin the Martian! I had no idea he was from India though. It was weird hearing that voice asking me for cheesecake. He didn't call me earthling either. Anyway, it was nice having people paying $67 a head plus alcohol, as apposed to the $12 bullshit buffet the locals got one the 4th.


Got my rooms taken care of in Colorado Springs today. Being a Starwood Employee has it's advantages, I'm getting my rooms for $29 a night! And being a Costco member is getting me 25% off of my rental car from Alamo. So in two weeks it's off to Burwell, Nebraska and it's going to be Rodeo week so watch the fuck out! I hate cowboys, I hate country, and all that other redneck bullshit. I'm not afraid to kick some ass. Don't make me kick some ass, because it's my vacation BEEYATCH!


A buddy of mine just sent me an E-mail. He had a bunch of games in his shared folder in Kazaa. Well, the man wrote his internet provider and he needs to get rid of that stuff right away. So he calls and asks me if I think he should remove it or not? HELLO! Common sense dude!


Cinnamon Spider - Jack Off Jill

Nazi Halo - Jack Off Jill

Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mothers - Ray Wylie

Hey Stoopid - Alice Cooper

Friday, July 11, 2003


Ever hear of the band Jack off Jill? Just about one of the best girl fronted bands of all time. Well anyway, you probably have heard me mention I'm an insomniac by now so that explains why Joe is up at 4:30 a.m. surfing the web and listening to Jack Off Jill. I have to give credit to Miranda for turning me onto Jack Off Jill. I had first heard of them when Marilyn Manson lost his guitarist to said band, but never really paid attention. It wasn't until Miranda started talking about them that I realized just how good they were. Yes, the band broke up. Anyway, go download Cinnamon Spider and Girlscout off of the web and give them a listen. Other cool thing is that their artwork is done by Mark Ryden who is just about my favorite artist of all time. So check both of them out, you'll be glad you did.


Brandon came stumbling out of the bedroom and into the living room two nights ago at 3:00 a.m. (I love insomnia) shaking like a leaf and stumbling around incoherently. He was still asleep for the most part. I got him to speak after trying for several minutes and he told me he didn't want to get any shots. I convinced him to go back to bed which he did reluctantly, still shaking like a transient with the DTs. Asked him about it the next day and he didn't remember any of it.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003



The zany antics of two gay gentlemen living together in an expensive upscale home with 1 parent of each man living with them. The breadwinner of the two (the one who holds the job and works to support everyone) has a mother who suffers from dementia, adding the zany dimension to the show. The homemaker (the gentleman who stays home and acts as mother for everyone) has a father that lives with them. He is racist and homophobic with a tad bit of Alzheimer's setting in. Add one Hispanic live in maid who understands very little English and misinterprets everything and let the shit hit the fan.


Pick seven single people, semi-randomly, each one a different race ages 18 - 40 and put them in an environment where they have to pay rent, buy their own food, and hold their own jobs. If that doesn't create drama, then what will?


Take a bunch of rightwing religious zealots and let them question a new contestant every week. The ones that they have found to be guilty of crimes against God will be punished justly! Oh, think of the options!! Winners go onto finals where they get the chance to star on their own 1 hour religious show hosted by TBN (Trinity Broadcast Network). The game show will be hosted by Robert Tilton, Bob Larsen, and Pat Roberson who are dressed up as a Jester, the Mad Hatter, and Hitler! The set for the show is a diner designed by David Lynch and Tammy Fae Baker. Contestants sit in booths while the hosts conduct their interrogation from behind the counter. Free drinks are served to contestants throughout the show as well as a healthy portion of wrath and damnation to those unfortunate losers of the show who are revealed as heretics and sinners. 


A middle class white male who comes from an average middle class home marries a petite Hispanic woman who comes from a poor dysfunctional family. They have two children who are separated in age by seven years. The oldest (the female) has just become a teenager and is the typical little princess who seems bothered by just about everything while the youngest (the boy) is a totally spastic kid who never stops talking or moving about. Add "the stupids!" They are the mothers family who constantly show up unexpectedly, uninvited. The father has family but they all live out of state and he rarely sees them. He can't relate to the stupids because despite his pleading that they speak to him in a language he can understand (English) they choose to speak Spanglish (a random mixture of both English and Spanish). Watch as the husband slowly goes insane from all the crazy antics that ensue! Wait a minute, that isn't a sitcom, that's my life!!!!

Monday, July 07, 2003


First of all let me get this right, I'm told I have a choice to go to heaven or hell. Well, I think I know I would choose hell then. Why you ask? Why would I give up going to heaven where I could grovel for eternity and hang out with the likes of these (picture above) idiots? And I know, most of the Christian community would say that these are not the leaders of their movement, but I would beg to differ. Only difference between these people and the ones that lead their churches is that these idiots made it big and have a ton of money. So if you don't want these people representing you then do something about it. I'll choose to stay away from your bleached and flour enriched dogma and can think for myself, thank you. So bask in your smug little self-righteousness and kindly fuck off. You don't see me coming to your door with the truth do you? And if you don't like my views then don't knock on my door, just turn the channel so to speak. Trust me when I say that the Atheists and the non-religious are tired of your shit, I ain't bullshittin'! I walk on the other road buddy so get use to it. Oh, and to those nice young Mormon boys that knocked on the door, I enjoyed the talk immensely! Try learning some history about the Christian church first next time, it will keep you from stating, "I don't know!" over and over again. I can't wait for the Jehovah Witnesses to knock again, but they haven't been back since I invited those two nice elderly ladies in for a nice cold drink and chat on a hot Tucson summer day. Who would have known I knew so much about that damn bible! Who would have known I was going to use one of your own religious tracts against you? Who would have known I was going to use the word "bastardised" when talking about the name of your god. You folks shouldn't just leave those tracts lying around. So you can keep your prayer rags, your faith healing (head bopping and all), your hypocrisy (we are all hypocrites, some of us don't deny it), and your self-righteous hate filled bullshit. If your god is on the right then I'm sticking to the left.


Man, is it ever going to end? Some of the best hiking spots are gone. I know I don't hike a whole lot anymore, but my favorite spots are gone for as long as I live. This fire is a real bastard. I look out behind me and this is what I see.


Had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was downtown with Little Billy and Dianne R. I needed to get home and was trying to catch the bus. My allergies were acting up and Dianne accused me of faking it. Asked Billy what her problem was and he said she didn't understand people who suffer from allergies. Just remember trying to catch the bus and it was late in the afternoon. It was dream weirdness that can't be explained in words.


Talk about lazy days! Did nothing but watch t.v. and surf the net today. That's it! And I got some, if you know what I mean!! Ah jeah!!!

Saturday, July 05, 2003


Been watching or reading the news the past few days? Something washed up on a beach in Chile and they have no idea what it is. It's huge and at first they though it might be a beached whale, but this thing has no bones so now they think it might be a giant octopus. Scientist gathered samples from the 40 ft long blob so that they can run DNA tests to determine what it is. I think it's JFKs missing brain, left out in the ocean and subjected to massive amounts of radiation. It grew to an enormous size and then came back to land seeking revenge on the dirty bastards that had him assassinated. And if you look real close you can see the image of the Virgin Mary and both Bill & Ted (from the movie Bill & Ted's excellent adventure) on it.


So that brings me back to this:

I guess now Jesus and/or a cross are making a cameo on the smoke stack at the same hospital where the Virgin Mary projected her image onto a window. I couldn't find an image of the smokestack, and I searched like a sun-of-a-bitch, but couldn't. I did however find the picture of Jesus on a tortilla:

Maria Rubio was making tortillas back in the 70's when she accidentally burned part of a tortilla which resembled the image of Jesus Christ. She built a shrine for the tortilla and then quit her job so that she could tend to it. It still exists even today! Hey, I'm not making this shit up, it's just a bit too wacky to be making up. So in the next image you can see the image of an Elephant fucking a blowup doll face down.

I'm not sure how this fits into Gods little plan, but I'm sure the Virgin Mary would approve. So what am I getting at? What I'm getting at is the desperate fucks who keep making this shit up. If your God and his holy Virgin really wanted to make a statement that they are real, they would just show up! Hey people, we're real! End of story!! It's that plain and simple!!! If he's so damned powerful then why the cat and mouse games? Truth is (subjective) that in desperation you can see just about anything you want. I saw the image of Elvis in my feces once, corn making up the better part of his left eye. I know, stop. But really folks, with all the starvation and mass famine around the world you think your Jesus is going to pass over some little starving kid in South Africa so that he can help some rich music artist win a special award, and then help that religious athlete make a touchdown on a nice sunny Sunday afternoon, or even make time to burn his image onto tortillas? Just think people, just for a second. Think about all of this crazy shit your proclaiming, and just how crazy it really is! At least the atomic brain of JFK had the decency to reveal itself on a beach in Chile this weak proving it's real. Think about that!


I might be staring in a film short made here in Tucson. I might also be helping write this little comedy film! I'll write more about it as this thing progresses. Details are very sketchy and it's only being talked about at the moment but we shall see what becomes of all this. I'll fill you in when I know more.

Friday, July 04, 2003

Archives now work, It was my fault, not blogger. It's going to be 1:30 a.m. and do you think I can sleep? Hell no!! Just fucking shoot me...

Thursday, July 03, 2003


Hope everyone has a great day! I'm going to work out in the sun so watch out bitches! It's rumored to get as hot as 107`F tomorrow. I'm surprised that they are even having fireworks here in Tucson seeing that the Santa Rita Mountain are burning down. Anyway, eat a hotdog and think of me, or burn a witch and think of Jesus, whatever floats your boat.


We refinanced our house today going from 7.25% to 5.5%. That's almost 2% dudes! Josie wanted to get a loan with some other company that was going to refinance us with another $7000 thrown in for tile and a new door at 5.35% but a friend of ours is having trouble with that company and I don't want to deal with bullshit so I just streamlined our mortgage with the company we originally had the mortgage with at no cost. So Josie is all depressed about the tile money and having to wait for it, C'est la vie!


Got tired of the other format and I was bored last night and couldn't sleep so I came up with this look based on a template by Maystar Designs called write-type. It was pretty normal looking so I tweaked it just a little to make it look interesting. I'm not staying up all night like I did last night because this bitch is finished. The archives are not working but that is bloggers fault.

o.k. I fixed both things. Josie just woke up. I think she thinks I've lost my mind being up this long. I'm a dolt. Bed. Say it, BED!!!!!
Looks like just about everything is working now. Problem with archives for some reason, and I need to re-do the blogger button. It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm beat. Tell me what you think of the new lay out, how the page looks. Thanks!

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Working on a new look, may be a bit messy for a couple of days.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003


Anyone watch WWE RAW last night? I did for about 20 minutes, just long enough to see the new up-and-coming female wrestler Gail Kim win the women's championship during her debut! Not only is she a kick ass professional wrestler, but she's my hot chick of the week. Big props to WWE for taking a chance for a change and giving the belt to someone who isn't established. Gail has been around for a while under the name of La Felina, she fucking rocks! I hope they give her a big push, WWE needs to establish new stars.


I watched the 100 most irresistible women special on TNN last night. BULLSHIT! That's what that show was. This show was written and produced either by women who don't have a clue, or by gay males who don't want to have a clue. All I can say is if you think Queen Latifah is irresistible, or even near the top 100 (they had her rated as #8 out of 100, that's top ten buddy) then your fucked in the head. Here, take a look:

I say we give this spot to Gail Kim! Sure, Queen Latifah has talent, but come on, I don't think a whole lot of guys find her irresistible. Egad! TNN has failed me twice in three days. The new Ren & Stimpy was just horrible! That cartoon was the shizit for its first and second season! Too bad that was 14 years ago. Maybe it will get better.


You can tell how bored I am when all I have to rave about is WWE and Ren & Stimpy. Not much going on, lots of time off from work, I'll be poor soon. Oh, one last little rant, if you have cable and Showtime then try and catch the movie "Playmate of the Apes." You don't have to watch the whole movie, just enough to realize how incredibly low the depths of film making can go. I didn't know that anybody with $50 and a camcorder could get a movie on Showtime! Watching Ronald Reagan throttle an ewe from behind on black and white film would have been more enthralling! God help me, I'm bored...