Saturday, March 08, 2003


Yes, a lovely day at work it was. Had a ten hour day with a half hour break. Tons of down time though so it wasn't too bad. The tough part was having the same partner on two different functions. A partner who really can't function. So, I did a lot of heavy lifting to say the least. I may have made her cry right before we sent her home because she was feeling sick. I kind of hinted at one point that I couldn't believe that she wasn't keeping up pace. I know she didn't feel all that well but I can't run a forty person station by myself twice in one day. So I think when she was trying to chat with me during service and I kind of blew her off I may have hurt her feelings. Anyway, I don't feel bad about it because my back is killing me. If your sick, call in sick and stay home. If you can't do the job, move on to a job that you can do. I'm not your slave or your dad. Don't depend on me to pull your weight and not say something about it, I wouldn't expect you to pull my weight and be happy about it. So that was work.

Christianity came up again as it always does when your working with a herd of them. Funny how they throw little tidbits (stones) your way when they know your not a "believer." Someone threw out something about me being evil today, in which I replied, "The God you worship is evil, you just haven't come to realize it yet." Got a few chuckles because they know they are saved, Jesus's little favorites.


I remember how when I was a Christian I thought that there was no way I could ever fall from the grace of God, and that I was saved no matter what. I was "in" and couldn't see how I would ever be anything but a follower. But then again I remember thinking that a lot of what I was studying didn't jive and that most of the people I went to church with were a bunch of raving loonies and hypocrites. Like the time at a bible study this guy Mike told me he wasn't above me, he was just beyond me. Told me I needed to learn to control my weaknesses. I brought up the fact that he smoked all of the time and he wasn't treating his body like a temple. He informed me that God understood his habit and would help him slowly deviate from his habit in his own time, when God was ready to take that addiction away. What a load of shit! This is the same guy that cried when I told him I was no longer going to be going to church, and told me God would kill me and bring me home before I fell from grace, so I had better get my act together. I did.

I started to study with a guy named Bob Petry here in Tucson. He has a show on public access called Code 64. I started studying some Greek and Hebrew, and started learn about Yahweh and Yahshua (Elohim), sheol, what an eon is as apposed to eternity and so on, I kind of realized that I didn't really believe in any of it. Kind of woke up at one point and felt like a sheep, saw how hypocritical all of us are, and how incredibly stupid it is to think that I had some kind of favor in God's eyes while some little kid in a third world country was dieing of starvation because it was all a part of some grand plan that ultimately glorifies God. How could I have believed that the God of the bible was love when he's ordering Angels and men to kill, and we are supposed to follow his example. Being of the left hand path empowers me set my own example, and a good example for my children. I set the example, not some age old doctrine that threatens and belittles you. I also no longer have the anxiety attacks over guilt like I did when I was Christian. I remember Timothy Leary once saying on some spoken word album that you should "Love your sin!" True, why not enjoy what makes you happy. Why feel dirty or sinful about every little thing? And lust? If it wasn't for lust neither your or I would be here today. And I'm not talking about anarchy and reckless abandon. Be real. One has to have some sense of morality, but why can't it be my sense of morality? I'll end this with something Aleister Crowley wrote, because I believe it to be true:

There is no god but Man.

Man has the right to live by his own Law.
Man has the right to live in the way that he wills to do.
Man has the right to dress as he wills to do.
Man has the right to dwell where he wills to dwell.
Man has the right to move as he will on the face of the earth.
Man has the right to eat what he will.
Man has the right to drink what he will.
Man has the right to think as he will.
Man has the right to speak as he will.
Man has the right to write as he will.
Man has the right to mold as he will.
Man has the right to paint as he will.
Man has the right to carve as he will.
Man has the right to work as he will.
Man has the right to rest as he will.
Man has the right to love as he will, when, where and whom he will.
Man has the right to die when and how he will.
Man has the right to kill those who would thwart these rights.

from The Law is for all by Aleister Crowley pp321

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