UH... CALL ME?

Ever say something you didn't find all that funny but everybody else just starts rolling? We were in the back area at work two nights ago and the radio was on. BAD TO THE BONE by George Thorogood came on and I just kind of started singing, ad lib of course, but changing the words around to I'VE GOT MADGE ON THE PHONE, singing about how:


I had just dialed up
and asked are you alone?
Will it be your visa?
I had Madge on the phone
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
Madge on the phone



Kind of one of those 1-900-hot-sexx numbers I guess. It got a big laugh. I was just being silly off the top of my head but everybody accused me of thinking this up ahead of time. Sure, like I knew they were going to play that song. James told me he'll never be able to listen to that song ever again without thinking about Madge being on the phone. I really do need to get back into doing stand up.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Josie's mom moved in and so far so good. Her sister gave back her medical cards and some other important stuff after I threatened to bring over the police. Her mother is kind of scared of me I think because she has mostly stayed in the bedroom other than taking a shower. I'm sure that will go away before long. Were going to hook her up with her own bed and t.v. in here as soon as we get things squared away. She was being treated pretty poorly at her sisters house. I don't think she wants to go back but I wouldn't be surprised if she did anyway. Let's just call it an educated guess.

BLOGROLL

Added JozJozJoz to the blog roll. It's on the right side of the page. Been reading it for quite some time but never got around to putting it up. Take a gander at her lovely blog page. I also have BuzzNet photos on the right hand side. Will be adding more soon. It's funny, those pictures spark interest. One person thinks I'm pretty fucked up, the other called me a fag. I've got one of them on the IM right now. Here is what Chelsee69@aol.com has to say:

shyven1666: Who is this, do I know you or are you just a troll who likes to fuck with people on the internet?
Chelsee69: do you believe in god?
shyven1666: no
Chelsee69: well your gay then .
shyven1666: cool, then you agree with what your dad was saying as he sucked my dick last night.

I guess Chelsee69@aol.com didn't have a good comback. Do me a favor and send lots of e-mail or IMs to this person for being such a dick.

PHOTOS

You can now see photos of things and people I mention here on my blog at JOE OXFORD BUZZNET Not a lot up yet but will try and get as many pics as I can up. There is a link to this page at the top, just click "My Photo Album."

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HELLO, IT'S ME

People have asked so I thought I would post what I looked like. These are in no way flattering I will say that much. The first picture is me on a cater out function and everyone working got to dress up for a group picture. Can't find the original full picture but it depicts all of us at a whore house in the 1800's. The middle picture is me at the KON TIKI drinking Mexican beer with friends, lost the full picture of this one as well. The picture on the left is taken at the resort where I work. There you have it, me in all my splendor

OTHER DREAM WEIRDNESS

A regular reader had a dream about me a few nights ago. She's never met me but had a dream so I just had to post this:

THE DREAM OF MARIE ST. JOHN

I dreamt that you and I were hanging out having a slumber party, which was pretty good except when all your pals from the methadone clinic showed up. Even though they were loud, and pretty stinky, they brought pot brownies. We ate all the brownies and you showed me all of your tattoos, including a breathtaking image of Insane Clown Posse that covered your entire back. Although I haven't the slightest idea what you look like, in my dream you were pretty dreamy.

Now is that funny or what? I have been dreaming quite a bit but nothing weird enough to remember.

QUINCEANERA

Went to my nieces quinceanera last night. I was bored stiff because I don't dig Tejano music all that much, but the band was really good. There is a bar that has a big Karaoke night just around the corner but they were having a pool tournament so I went back to the dance hall. Lot's of drunk people, lot's of good Mexican food, lot's of new impressions of the in-laws! Josie's brothers Frank and Martin were beyond fucked up. Martin would stand up, hold his beer up and out like an Olympic torch, and just stand there. I guess it was some form of libation. He would also dance very stiffly at times, barely moving. Funny as hell. On the other hand, Frank was just stumbling drunk. We just got a phone call just this second about Frank! Sounds like he had a heart attack! Weird, got to go...

BREAK DOWN

Josie had a breakdown at work today. She was all emotional and probably overreacted. I thought about this and figured it was a good thing in the long run. She is due for one of these fits and it's usually aimed at me but it wasn't today so I scored. I should be more sympathetic but I look at it as dodging a bullet. Work for the most part is a shit hole as far as the atmosphere goes. Everyone is unhappy with all the extra work being force on them and the attitude of management. Life goes on. I'm too tired to care at this point. Tomorrow is going to be another long day and I will just have to cope. One thing weird did happen at work today during lunch. There was a very attractive blond lady in my section and she kept staring at me, and would even smile now and again. This threw me for a loop, I have no idea what she was staring at. The zipper was up and I didn't have a kick me sign on so what gives? I'm too tired to think at this point, I need to go to sleep now.

HERE COMES A BITCHFEST!

I just got home after working a twelve hour shift at work. It was an ass kicker to boot! We have STARBUCKS Corp. at the resort and I stayed on to help in between shifts today to work a coffee and tea display. The person that was supposed to work with me cried like a bitch so I told her to take off and I would find someone else to help me. After the fact I found out that she had no clue what she had been doing, provided me with a ton of wrong information, and I had to redo and undo a lot of things that had been started. When I found someone who said he would help, he then started crying like a little bitch and he just up and left me to work three rooms worth of coffee and tea displays by myself. I ran my ass off for two hours straight. Then after the function was over the guy in charge told me I could have a bunch of free coffee but I didn't even have time to take any of it. I get to my next function and am told that I have to work a triple shift tomorrow, starting at 5:00 a.m. and basically told I had no say in the matter. I went and had a talk with my boss, and he agreed that not everyone can just up and rewrite their life in less than twelve hours. I was going to work the shift anyway but I found someone who wanted to work it for me so that was one hell of a lucky break for me. There are quite a few people that have had enough of this kind of stuff at work and are ready to quit. If I could find a job that pays as well as mine does I too would be ready to go elsewhere but I think I'm pretty much stuck doing what I do for now. Oh, I had the owners of MARS candy at one of my tables a few nights ago, or so I'm told. I'm tired and rambling, I'm sorry. I have two more long days this week to go. I did have a ton of STARBUCKS products to drink today, all very good. I'm still rambling. Oh, Miranda got her report card today and made honor roll again. Very proud!!! Brandon is doing well in school as well. I'm lucky to have kids who are bright and don't cause trouble. I'll shut up and try to go to bed now. Did I mention the fact that STARBUCKS has a lot of very pretty women working for them on a corporate level? It's true! Okay, I'll stop now.

TAKEN

Anyone watching this series or seen it in the past? Very cool! Think I'm going to have to buy it on DVD. I've seen all of it except the first hour or so, mist it all four times it has been played. What's your opinion on abductions? I really do think something is going on, call me crazy but it's my gut feeling.

BLOGS

What are some of your favorite blogs? I'm curious because I'm always looking for funny and interesting blogs. Please drop some links in the comments section.

LUBE?

Dennis is pretty funny most of the time, and he was pretty funny at work the other day handing out little packets of ointment to people and telling them to meet him in the bathroom in twenty minutes. Then he did it to a guy who had been sexually molested when he was young and he didn't find it very funny. You would think a person could pick up on it but Dennis either didn't know or wasn't getting the cue or both. Anyway, I pulled him aside and told him he had better stop before he got taken to human resources. Didn't stop. So I worked with the guy in question yesterday and he mentioned that my buddy Dennis was close to getting fired. I called Dennis and it had already sunk in and he felt bad about it. This is good because it was close.

That whole day was messed up, Saturday being that day. One of the most fucked up days I can remember. There is a new supervisor at work who has no clue what he is doing in his department. I would say he was responsible for about 50 percent of the mess we had to work with on Saturday. I'm going to be talking to some higher up people about this one. This guy needs to be stopped now before it becomes habit forming.

CHOKE

I'm not going to bash either of these teams, but come on! You both get this far to both choke again? It's too bad because I'm tired of seeing the Yankees being the herds favorite team. Wouldn't it have been cool to see these two teams battle it out in the World Series?

YES!!

Something cool on the horizon, can't speak of it yet but I will if it manifests itself. I know I'm a tease but I just can't talk about it quite yet even though I'm excited as hell about it.

ORBS

I deleted a post a few weeks ago about this paranormal phenomenon. Here is what I had originally posted. I do not claim to know what this is, I only have witnessed it. I do not believe it is god or the devil and this would serve no purpose for either of them even if they did exist:
************************

Friday, October 03, 2003

About the balls of light I saw years ago, paranormal activity, here are some videos I found of the very same thing. These people are not scared shitless like I was. Check these out:

Central Arkansas Society for
Paranormal Research..... ghost photos

************************

WHAT I SAW

What in the hell are 65 year old ladies doing by jogging around in tube tops and tight red shorts? Maybe I'll find this attractive in 25 years or so but for now I'm a bit traumatized. This is the image that will haunt me all day at work. Why me Jesus, why?

FOX IN SOX AND CUBS CHOKE

CHOKE! It's that fucking curse, and that goat is dead so it's far too late. It' will never happen, and the Sox will probably choke tonight.

RETARD

I swear FRY'S supermarket is where retarded and mildly crazy people go to hang out. I can't go to get groceries without some bizarre experience these days. It's either the crazy guy standing at the doorway to greet you as he rambles about asphalt or it's the crazy lady buying a candy bar with a $100 bill while holding about $10 worth of one dollar bills in her left hand. The cashier tried to talk her into buying the candy bar with a dollar but crazy lady was incoherent and the whole process that should have taken a minute took about ten minutes. Yes, she used the $100 to pay for a fucking candy bar. I've talked about Paul Stanly lady before. She takes a doll of Paul with her everywhere she goes. She talks to him but from the look on his face I can tell he's not interested in what she is rambling on about.

A FRIEND MADE THESE

Fun with flash. A friend made these with flash.

http://members.aol.com/jonind/airhead.swf

http://members.aol.com/jonind/newworldorder.html

KILL BILL

Went to see KILL BILL yesterday and I have to say it kicked ass! I'm totally in love with Chiaki Kuriyama who plays Go Go Yubari in the movie. I'll never understand why I'm so attracted to Asian women. Is this girl not just adorable? This movie is classic Quentin Tarantino but unique in it's own way. Sure, tons of blood, tons of violence, but the way this movie was shot is just brilliant! I'm not going to say any more because I know your all going to want to go see it. I can't wait for volume II. I also saw a new trailer for Lord of the Rings Return of the King. This movie is going to kick some serious ass as well. I'm all excited, make it stop.

WORK

Worked a wine tasting dinner at the country club for county club members tonight. It was a piece of cake, and the people in my section were nice. I did have a few snobs but paid no attention to them. They were served veil so I didn't eat an entree tonight. I know what veil is and I can't stand the way it tastes so I had chicken fingers instead. I did eat my share of hor d'ourves though. I know I could be skinny if I just didn't eat the food at work, but hey it's one of the perks at work. Most people only see this stuff being made on The Food Channel but I'm lucky enough to eat this stuff on a daily basis. Then again, it would be great to be skinny again. The function we worked on Saturday morning was just beyond the beyond. It was for a sorority from the U of A and the parents of the girls who belong to it. I've never seen so many Britney Spears clones before in my entire life! I've also never seen so many tight white dresses and black thongs in my entire life either. I technically could be a father to a girl their age so I felt like a pervert. I know I would never let Miranda parade around in a tight white dress with no bra and a black thong. You could see some of the fathers checking out the other girls. And speaking of work I have to get up in five hours to go back and work a breakfast shift. Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.

KILL BILL

Going with Dennis to go see KILL BILL part one tomorrow. I can't wait! I love Pulp Fiction and it's just about one of the coolest movies ever made so I'm pretty excited about this movie. Plus it looks like they didn't skimp on the hot Asian chicks so that's a plus! We are going to sneak in to the new Jack Black movie after that. If I'm lucky I will get to see almost all of it before I have to pick up the kids from school.

NORMAL?

Keeping in step with the pace set by disasters and so forth my microwave oven decided to die on me after a good fifteen years worth of service. I think I killed it by heating up so much water in it to do the dishes this past three weeks when we had no gas. It's display had burnt out right before the gas line gave up so that was a sign that my microwave was on it's way to meet with Jesus in heaven. So we went and got a new one at Best Buy today. While at Best Buy I hear someone ask, "Is that Joe Oxford?" It was Dan C. who used to work with me in room service at the Ventana Canyon Resort here in Tucson. I haven't seen this guy in twelve years! And what was the next question he asked? Well hold the fuck up because I'm going to tell you, okay? He asks, "So, did you have to get your gas line fixed?" I told him he was freaking me out, how in the hell could he have know this? He works for the gas company and he saw the estimate for my gas line out where he works. What are the odds? Weird, but on par for my life. So back to the microwave oven, this one fits on the counter and is now on a different circuit as far as electricity goes. This will save me from having to reset the breaker when you run the microwave and the washing machine at the same time. Never fails, I will be heating something up and Josie will turn the washing machine on and it trips the breaker. Hope that doesn't happen anymore. So the new water line got put in yesterday, replacing the old rusting metal pipe with PVC pipe. The new gas and water pipes should outlive me so I've got that going for me. The trench is filled back up with dirt and the back yard almost looks normal again. Total parts and labor for both ran me about $500 and that's pretty damn cheap! Killed some of the grass where the dirt was piled, but it will grow back next year. I hope my life is on it's way back to normal.

FOOTBALL

I have a good chance of winning the football pool again this week. Doesn't matter who wins tomorrow just as long as the total points from the game equal 43 or more. This will make me a two time winner this year already and the pool is $54 this week. I could use the money, trust me. Someone at work was bragging about how he knew he was going to win the pool this week, silly Christian. San Fran lost but the other team didn't cover the points so that goes to prove that god likes me best! I need lot's of points tomorrow night, score big damn it, score big!!!

YES!!!!

The gas line passed inspection! Hell Yes! The inspection guy was very nice. Mr. Estrada, the guy who put in my line was super nice too, and saved me about five hundred dollars so I invited he and his wife over for dinner soon. It's about time things started looking up again. Now all I have to do is wait to have them come and turn on my gas. I'm taking hot shower tonight after work just for the hell of it all. I'm still freaked out about last nights dream, I can't quit thinking about the cat that had swallowed about ten ABBA records. A square gray tabby cat saying papa moon over and over, how fucking weird is that? I typed the dream out and it's down below this post. I'm mental...

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I had to write this because it's so weird, but I'm half asleep and can hardly see straight. Forgive my spelling because I really can't see! I was dreaming that I was at my friend Mark D's house and he and his wife Bethany were home. I walk in and there is an Native American smoke pipe inside the door. Obviously they have been smoking dope. I look at it and in a comedic way say, "Oh, what's that?" Bethany has this baby and it's skeletal looking, paper thin skeletal and tiny. This baby turns into a scorpion and Bethany remarks that you have to feed it's addiction. This scorpion ate with it's stinger. I guess you have to feed this thing heroine. There is this fat cat named Fritz that is huge and has swallowed an entire collection of ABBA records and basically can only lie down. I'm petting this cat and it keeps saying in a lilting fashion, "Pappa moon.... pappa moon..... papa moon...." I was talking about being broke and that is all I can remember. The "papa moon" thing freaked me out and woke me up. I also had a dream about going to Nebraska to see my brothers. It's too obscure and I can't remember what happened in that one. Weird, I'm going back to bed...

Was a long day. Helped put in the gas line, only cost me $165 as opposed to the $670 most people wanted to charge. Ace hardware rang up my order wrong as well and saved me some money. Josie thought I should have done laundry today and didn't understand that I was helping cut pipe and hold the pipe and guide the pipe. It's that time of month and she is being mental. Nothing is ever good enough for her ever, so be it. The inspector comes tomorrow and we may have gas again tomorrow. Oh, I hope it all goes well, I'm so tired of shit going wrong every other day. It's raining in Tucson again. Wow! That is about all I have for today, I'm sorry I'm just to tired to type anything of substance

GAS

The gas line is getting fixed tomorrow. A guy who just retired from the gas company is going to do the job and he isn't bending me over in the process. A hot shower, ah.... I can almost feel it!

JESUS DID IT!

I was telling people the story how this guy from the gas company called me out of the blue and offered to fix my line without charging an arm and a leg. One of the Christian ladies at work hears this and pulls me aside, knowing good and well that I'm basically an atheist. She told me this is one of those "god things." I said, "Oh how nice, god smiles on me and I get a new gas line put in for cheap while some poor kid in a third world country starves to death." She replies, "Well, sometimes it's better if they die." What in the hell goes on in peoples minds? I'm damned to hell for eternity because I refuse to grovel but she get's candy and cake for eternity and is able to say that it's better that starving kids die. I guess in gods world a white guys gas line takes priority over starving kids. Nice...

BLOODSUCKING FREAKS

Holy fuck! What did I do today between shifts? Instead of going home I got to watch this movie at an undisclosed location. Jesus talk about weird as hell! This wasn't even a B movie, but more in the realm of C movie. It was very disturbing to boot, full of S & M, nudity, blood, bad acting, and cannibalism. I have to admit I laughed out loud a couple of times, but I also had to look away when the doctor took a power drill to some pretty girls head then put a straw in her head and started sucking the fluid from her skull. Oh, did I mention he pulled out all of her teeth first because he wanted a blow job but he didn't what her to bite him? He got his anyway when he wandered into a cage full of naked female cannibals. The dart board drawn on some girls butt was a little over the top as well. Yes, they played darts! Anyway, I don't recommend any of you ever watch this movie, especially if you've dropped acid. I'm an odd person, and I like weird movies but this was just beyond the beyond in my book. What kind of sick bastard decides he's going to make a movie like this anyway?

FAST FOOD

We were running around a couple of nights ago so we decided to grab a burger on the way home because it was late. We decided to go to WHATABURGER, it's right near where we live and I didn't want to eat McDonalds. So we get to the drive-thru and order, pull up behind the vehicle in front of us and then we sat there for about a half an hour. I have no idea what was going on but there were more than six cars behind us at one point. The lady behind us talked the other cars into backing up so that she could get out. We backed out too and took off. So I'm sorry for ordering and running off but damn people send someone outside to explain what is going on next time. Oh, we went to McDonalds by the way. Big Mac...

STAND UP

After seeing the M.C. at the local comedy club perform I'm really thinking about approaching stand up comedy again. This guy was beyond pathetic! I was never this bad even on my worse night. Sure, A.D.D. is funny for a little while but it's not funny for over a half an hour. I went with Dennis and his parents and a few other friends came along as well. As we were leaving the club Dennis's mother remarks how horrible the M.C. was. Me, being unfiltered and having no common sense said, "Yeah, I could have stood up there and mocked my own genitalia for a good half hour and got more of a response from the audience." His mother actually laughed at this as did everyone within earshot. I have a tendency to talk way too much. It was nice to finally meet his parents though. His mom is pretty zany and his dad doesn't say much, he just sits there with his devilish grin. I got to relive a few family stories that Dennis has told a dozen times, only this time his mother told them. There is a sitcom waiting to be hatched on the life and times of Dennis and his family.

UPGRADE

Brandon got accepted to a Magnet school yesterday. We had to wait two years but he got in. The education is more focused at these public schools. He will also get bussing to and from school, so now I don't have to drive him or Miranda to school anymore! It was kind of sad though because he had to tell his current schoolmates goodbye yesterday. The teacher also commented on how smart and well behaved he was which made me even more proud of him. I wish the well behaved portion of Brandon was present at home today because he's playing the part of Mordred and it's pissing me off!

CAN'T TOUCH THIS

M.C. Hammer, failed pop star, now makes his money as a mouthpiece for god. I WAS a Christian for a good 25 years, and listening to him repeat the same old spiel that I've heard a hundred times before seemed pretty comical. No, maybe not comical but redundant. Even if I were a believer I don't think I could take spiritual advice from the same guy who penned "Can't Touch This" as well as a remake of "The Adams Family" theme song and then went bankrupt because he spent all his money foolishly on a huge entourage of people and a very lavish home. One of the guys from Run D.M.C. is a "reverend" as well. There is a place here in Tucson that will ordain me as a priest of my own religion. I'm seriously thinking about doing it just for the hell of it. Rev. Joe or Father Joe would look good on my name tag for work. I want to pontificate for a while, I want to speak gods loud funny words!

I HAD TO GET RID OF THIS ONE

Post deleted. Due to the subject matter posted here I deleted the post. I can not explain paranormal activity, and I feel like a mad man when I speak of what happened back in 1989. It happened, I don't know what it was or why it happend. No, I don't believe it was a devil or Satan because that is just plain childish. There is a lot about this universe we don't understand. Just because it's unexplained doesn't throw it into the category of "god" or "Satan." First thing you would have to determine is which god you were talking about, because technically even Satan could fall under that title. Second, what purpose would this event serve? None, other than scaring the holy living shit out of me. Seeing having the shit scared out of a person does not damn them to the mythological place called hell, I don't think Satan had a whole lot to do with it. What ever it was it was controlled, intelligent, and beyond my understanding. No, it wasn't god for Pete's (whoever he is) sake.

I QUIT!

This whole gas line mess is fucking with me and I'm so through with it's not even funny! Josie is being a shit about it all. She has no comprehension of what has happened, it isn't fucking McDonalds, it isn't instant potatoes, chill the fuck out and let it get fixed. Man, if you never see another post here it will because of a heart attack due to stress. Fuck this shit!

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is on it's way, and if you know me then you know this is the most sacred day out of any day during the year for me. Why, just because I love everything about it! Think of it all, the horror, movies, candy, costumes, pranks, and the occasional kick to the groin. All of these things make it a special day for me! I can't wait, I really do love Halloween!!

TOP 5

I saw on another page where they were doing a top 5 Halloween list. Can be anything top five dealing with Halloween, I personally posted my top five scariest moments of my life. Feel free to leave your top 5 Halloween whatever and I'll post the winner on Halloween day. I will also keep pointing  back to this post and reminding everyone about it. Let's make it interesting!

MONEY PIT

The gas line is bad, has to be replaced and the water pipe is bad too so I might as well have that replace as well and out of the way at the same time to avoid ever doing that again. The price? $780 for both. Luis and I dug the trench yesterday, Luis doing the bulk of it all. That guy is a machine! I just can't take the sun once it gets close to one hundred degrees outside. So I was toast by two in the afternoon and Luis kept on for about another hour. Then again I started before he got there but it was cool outside and still didn't work as fast as he did. Only problem is if the inside leaks during a pressure test then we have to have inside repaired as well and I won't be able to have the work done because I'm literally out of money at that point. Christ, what a lovely year this is turning out to be. It could be worse though, I could be a gay Haitian hemophiliac with a drug problem, aids, and an albino sister with Turrets Syndrome. It's my light and fluffy sense of humor that keeps my candy coated ass from going insane at times like this. At least I've been sleeping well. Can you imagine the insomnia hitting me hard right now, I would losing it for sure.

2112

The band RUSH? No. Rush Limbaugh in trouble? I hope so. I hate that asshole. I remember him saying right after the whole 9/11 thing that he was appalled  by how many American women found Osama Bin Laden attractive. What ever. I have nothing else to say about that idiot.