Ah, alas I'm back in Tucson where I belong after a week of virtual redneck liveliness in the Mecca known as Burwell Nebraska. And yes it was rodeo week so the rednecks were out in droves, dressed up in dungarees and western shirts, pants tucked neatly into ones boots, and let us not forget the cowboy hat. Everyone wears a cowboy hat unless they are wearing a baseball cap with farm equipment logos printed on them. If you've ever seen the movies Pure Country or Eight Seconds then you will know the kind of people I spent the week dealing with.
So my brothers and I stayed in the rental house behind where my parents live. First impression was a haunted crack house, but it was actually kind of nice staying there because it was away from all of the mayhem. We had the air conditioner cranked up as high as it would go and that place was as dark and frigid as a Turkish prison. We were free of all the little kids and the uninvited guests the wouldn't go away. That would be my sister-in-laws parents and her brother and one of his friends. They were a gaggle of rednecks. They invited themselves down for the rodeo, tried to weasel their way into sleeping at my parents house (no room, didn't work) and successfully invited themselves to four meals. By the way, these fuckers ate my birthday cake which was made for me, and I didn't even get to eat it! I'm holding a grudge at this point because it was a German chocolate cake, and that was their first major fuckup. They ended up causing a lot of stress which caused a blow out between my dad and I. I Offered to get rid of them five times but my parents wouldn't go for it because they are good Christian people. Well I'm not a Christian and would have loved to been able to tell them to leave. So my dad was stressed out having to help cook for all of these people and ended up yelling at me at one point because I was helping and he thought the steaks we were cooking were burning. They weren't and I took off because I wasn't going to allow these bastards to upset me to the point they had my father. This was a good thing though because that is what it took to get them to realize that they were imposing. Things are cool between my dad and I now. My younger bothers kids are all pretty young still. He has two girls, ages four and three, and a son who just turned 14 months. The two girls are afraid of everything. We took our Chihuahua Nicky with us and they were frightened to death of him, so we kept him at the crack house. They are afraid of all bugs, water coming out of hoses, tractors, or just about anything that moves. I kept calling Winter, the four year old, Ted Johnson. I had to quit because my sister-in-law has no sense of humor and could see no reason for me to call her that. Well, there wasn't a reason, I'm just deranged.
THINGS I LEARNED ON MY VACATION
1. When a redneck asks you your name and you tell them what it is, I think the phrase "That'll do" means "Glad to meet you Joe!"
2. Even though I grew up in the Midwest in a rodeo town I have absolutely no ties to the culture there whatsoever.
3. Just because someone is selling something labeled as authentic Mexican food at a rodeo in Nebraska doesn't make it so.
4. I fucking hate my sister-in-laws rude redneck family.
5. I can go an entire week without masturbating or having sex.
6. People still refer to soda as pop in the Midwest. Brandon was confused as hell when someone asked him if he wanted a pop.
9. I'm nothing like my dad yet we are very much the same.
10. A boner is a boner no matter where you are in the United States.
THE CRACK HOUSE
The house my mom rented for us belongs to a lady named Sharon. She is the mother of one of my younger brothers friends from high school. It belonged to his grandmother and his mom now owns it. She rents this house out to people, and they have never taken out any of the belongings! Everything from a diary and family photographs to antique everything and old lady trousers are still in this house. We read the grandfathers diary which ended a couple days after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. We found the scariest baby picture ever taken. Must have been the grandmother when she was a baby. The photo was both ancient and of the devil. A female called out my name when I was alone in the house. Even though this freaked me out pretty bad I still slept there for four nights. Josie and Miranda heard footsteps coming up the steps from the basement when nobody was down there. Josie wouldn't go back in the house for a couple of days. It was a cool place to hang out in for the most part. I'll write more later, Josie is hounding me to go get stuff at the supermarket.