REBEL YELL

Man, lack of sleep and working back to back shifts can really fuck one up! The alarm promptly went off at 5:30 a.m. today and the first thing out of my mouth was the expletive "shit hole!" It was one of those mornings where I couldn't get my bearings and ended up wondering around for a good five minutes before I could bring myself to get into the shower. Once I dressed and got in the car I still felt off kilter. So what does one do to relieve the stress caused by lack of sleep? Primal scream of course, try it sometime because it really works! So here I am traveling down Grant Rd. on Sunday morning with no one else in sight yelling and making noises like a total simpleton. I'm sure my cacophony sounded something like Jerry Lewis getting butt-raped by Mike Tyson during one of those MTV Spring Break specials on the beach. None the less I was suddenly distracted for some odd reason. I had one of those psychic tugs you get now and then. You know, one of those urges to do something for no reason at all. I was compelled to look over to the right for some reason and I don't know why, but low and behold there it was! Quiznos Subs!!! Tucson finally has a Quiznos Sub franchise! I even squealed out loud like some little schoolgirl who just got picked first for kickball. It's the simple things in life, I ain't bullshittin'.

Turds

Miranda kills me! She's been going around saying "scheisse" for months now! So we're watching the movie "The Bourne Identity" the other night and the lady that has hooked up with Matt Damon keeps saying scheisse whenever something goes wrong, so Miranda starts commenting on how she thinks that it is a funny word. I asked her if she knew what it meant. She tells me no, so being the responsible dad that I am proceeded to inform her that scheisse is the German word for shit. Silence and awe. She's funny!

PSEUDO BAND LIST

It's always fun at work shooting the shit and generally having a great time making stuff up. From time to time we make up pseudo band lists, a list of bands that don't really exist but would be cool if they did. These are some of the bands we made up, I'm going to have a hard time remembering all of them:

NYLON OVEN

SWIRLING BUTTOCKS BLUES BAND

ANAL LAISON

FERRY JACK & THE FLIPPINTS

ASS JACKET

SEMAN & THE SEAMONKIES

RED BUTTLE & THE COCKNOCKERS

DICK LIQUOR & THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

FLATUS KRAVITZ

There were quite a few more but I can't for the life of me remember what they were.

I EAT MY WORDS

Well, other than the lack of food, the party Josie went to tonight went pretty smooth. They even wrapped it all up by 10:00 p.m. which is pretty amazing! Josie got drunk and my nephew Gabriel had to drive her home. She said something about me getting lucky, but she passed out so I don't think that's going to happen. All of my party friends moved out of Tucson in the past two years so I haven't been out (drinking) in over a year. So if you live in Tucson and you want to go do Karaoke night at the Cowpony, drop me a line. I'll do my Hair of the Dog by Nazareth.

ADDICTED TO POPCORN!

You all know by now that I have a major addiction. It's not a drug addiction, nor is it an addiction to gay porn, but rather an addiction to popcorn. Well, I had one of these nifty little poppers some time back but gave it to goodwill when we moved because I didn't think I had anywhere to put it. So for the past few days I went looking for a new one and went everywhere to no avail! Wal-Mart, K-mart, Sears, Uncle Teddys Adult Shop, not a single one of these places had the appliance I needed, however Uncle Teddys Adult Shop has some pretty nifty stuff. What the hell is an anal cone? Anyway it was a godsend in someway because I found one online that is the 8 quart model. Makes it easier to pop more popcorn when Brandon and Miranda (Josie hates my popcorn) are camping out with me watching movies. One last thing about Uncle Teddys Adult Shop, I've never seen so much lube in one place at one time in my entire lifetime. What the hell is that anal cone for?

THE STUPIDS PART II

Jesus (or Satan, take your pick) saved my ass this week by making me work the weekend! Josie and her family (The Stupids) are having a birthday party for her mom. Well, we just got a call from one of her sisters asking if her other sister Laverne had called asking for money. Laverne was providing food for tomorrows festivities but it seems that they have spent all the money and food stamps they had for the party on other things, which probably means beer and cigarettes. Josie said she could give a fuck because she is going to eat before she goes anyway. So here is my prediction, things will be fucked up as usual, there will be fights, no food, tons of beer,  lots of drunken idiotic banter, and feelings will be hurt. I'm glad I'm suck working a wedding tomorrow night!

COMMENTS

The pop up comment box that I was using had some problems with its sever so I switched to Squakbox. Sad to say I lost all prior comments but I hope you will start me off anew with some comments. They don't have to be witty, political, or even well thought out, but just leave me something to kick this bad boy into gear! Anal cones...???

ANYONE FEELING HUNGRY?

The in-house group we have this week is a healthcare group that deals with nutrition. Funny thing is that 99% of the people attending this seminar are overweight. Now I'm not bagging on fat people, because I'm not a skinny person, but these are the people representing nutrition? There were a lot of overweight people there, and some really big people to boot! I saw at least four people who were as morbidly obese as the lady in the picture above! My wife's ass is smaller than this person's knee (thank god)! Now, we had a simple buffet set up for this group consisting of danish, muffins, bagels, breakfast egg sandwiches, fruit, coffee, and juice. I can see taking a sandwich and maybe something else, but I saw some of these people putting down like 4 sandwiches on top of juice and coffee and a danish or three. Try breathing in between taking bites and don't tell me your big boned lady. And these people want to pursue lawsuits against corporations such as McDonalds and Taco Bell for making them fat? Fess up to it you fat motherfuckers, your responsible for your own actions! Put the fucking Twinkie down and have a salad. I don't remember anything being biggie or super sized when I was a kid, do you? So it's not wrong to want to go have a burger, but Jesus Christ people, it doesn't have to come in a barrel. Now I'm hungry, damn it!

I KNOW WHERE WALDO IS!

Remember Waldo, that loveable cartoon person you had to try and find in pictures of giant cartoon crowds all over the world? Well, at work we nicknamed one of the resident crystal meth addicts Waldo (all the drug addicts have nicknames actually) because she was never around, always disappearing and going home early. Well, today we found out where Waldo is! Yep, Waldo got her walking papers and is no longer working with us. I'm not perfect, but then again I'm not worthless either. Someone started to spiral out of control and was in total denial about the whole thing. Well honey, you just found where rock bottom is. Anyway, next on our list of worthless shit is the ever popular scratch and bitch,

another meth addict, and then crusty the clown,

who drinks a lot and is either doing crack or meth with chumley,

pictured here in the yellow tie. Chumley likes to sit at home and smoke crack while he has a giant dildo shoved up his ass. Your wondering how I'm privy to such info aren't you! Well, Chumley hasn't been very discreet about his recreational activities and once you've exposed yourself (literally) in many different circles, well, word gets around. They are all next, it's going to be a rough year!

ASPEN FIRE ON MT. LEMMON

Jesus! Winterhaven is gone! Mt. Lemmon is on fire and just burning out of control, and it's sad as hell. Sure, it's a natural process and nature has a way of taking care of herself but over 300 cabins and homes have gone up, along with most of Winterhaven. It's just sad knowing that it isn't going to be the same up there anymore. I can see the fire from here as I'm typing this. My favorite camping spot is in danger this evening, the place I want my ashes spread out when I'm dead. I just hope it doesn't burn up tonight. The process of life can be a bitch. I think I'll just blame the devil for all of this.

Music of the Day

Kiss - Rock Bottom
Scandal - Goodbye to You
Charles Ray - Hit the Road, Jack
The Ramones - Glad to See You Go
Foo Fighters - Low
The Doors - The End

THE HULK

Well, it (the movie) could have been worse, then again it could have been better. Mainly I just wanted to take Brandon because he is so into superheroes and all. The place was packed but we still got great seats in the middle and a little more than half way up. It's wide open for a sequel just like I though it would be. The movie is o.k. for kids I guess but wasn't my cup of tea. Brandon liked it and that is that counts. He was a happy little man. The best part? Jennifer Connelly was in the movie and she is still hot as ever! She's my hot chick of the week!

Remember her in the movie "Labyrinth"? Or even her in that movie "Career Opportunities" riding that horse in the Target store? Need I say more?

NIGHT OF THE LIVING CHICANOS

Worked a wedding a couple of nights ago that was record book ghetto! The bride and groom were straight up Chicano gangster looking. You couldn't tell with the lovely couple in their wedding gown and the tux, but the photos they were showing during dinner were thug as hell. The crowd was trailer park deluxe. Highlight of the evening was when some little boy got up and sang that song "A WHOLE NEW WORLD" from the movie Aladdin. In reality it was a whole new key, and way off key at that. I'm spoiled because we have been getting convention business and the money has been pretty good. Well, summer is here and so is the local business with their local prices and their local attitude. I need to stop crying like a bitch. Work is dead! I do work a double shift tomorrow, but looks like I'll be at home doing a lot of nothing next week. I have to be there at 4:15 a.m. and I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

MORE AND MORE DREAM WEIRDNESS

Got to love those end of the world scenarios when your dreaming! And what's better than that? The Men In Black showing up. O.k. here is what happened, I'm at a very nice resort in the dream with my family. Brandon didn't exist in this dream world but was replaced with a daughter that was two years younger than Miranda. So Josie, Miranda, this other daughter who's name I can't remember, and I are anticipating the end of the world, which is going to be brought about by a meteor hitting the earth. Well, at some point in the dream we see the meteor, and I can't keep thinking how small it is, only the size of a shooting star. It hits about thirty miles off in the distance and the whole huge boom followed by a mushroom cloud and then a wall of dust comes racing towards us. I yell for everyone to take cover behind a hill. The blast hits but its just a very warm dry heat and does no damage. People are running around, it's mayhem for the most part. This is when my buddies known as The Men In Black show up and start running after people, placing this diamond shaped metal object on their shoulder blades. This object is to take the human mind and expanded it to the next level, the next evolution of mankind. I see this as evil and understand that the whole end of the world bit was only a distraction so that the MIB could position themselves for their takeover. I run like hell only to be caught by one of the MIB and right away one of those diamonds is placed on my back and right away my vision goes black. I start yelling, "I'm in darkness, I'm falling into darkness!" The MIB next to me says, "It's temporary, relax." Then everything comes to life in new colors, almost like infrared vision. My knowledge of all things is almost instant as well and I see that it isn't evil but truly as they had explained as everyone was running around, this was the next step in our evolution and I had an expanded knowledge of all things in the universe. It was a happy feeling, and then I woke up.

DUE PUNISHMENT

Miranda and I were watching COPS last night around 2:00 a.m. and as we are watching the show Miranda is hurled into a fit of laughter. It was just a lone cop speaking about how these criminals do whatever they want, then are taken well care of in jail when they are caught with three hot meals a day and a warm bed to sleep in. When I get Miranda to stop laughing I ask her to explain what was so funny. She says, "That cop said they get three hot MALES a day!" This made me laugh too because he did have an accent and I suppose it could have been misconstrued as "hot males" if your mind was elsewhere at the moment. I explained that this only happens for rich white gay folk when they go to prison. I explained to her that Freud was our savior and he died for us so that when we have these slip ups that we should not feel guilty but happy that he has gone ahead and made a place for us in the universe. A place where hot males can be served up three times a day, and peter pulling contests will be held there by the parishioners of St. Taffy's Church. If that went over your head then say tuned for details!

VIRGIN MY ASS

So, this is the Virgin (still up for debate) Mary and it's a miracle as well. Whatever! Maybe my lack of faith doesn't allow me to see it, or maybe my rational mind lets me know it's just a window that got messed up when some chemicals got into a broken seal. I can see the face of Charles Manson in this window:

No lie! It's a bit abstract, but take a look at this picture and look at the one above? I know, I'm reaching, but so are the thousands of mindless Christians that pull this kind of shit every year. Take a look into my pants and you might see the snake from the garden of Eden. I think he's winking at you! I'm no virgin by the way.

I'M DA MAN!

A lady asked me for my phone number tonight! She was nothing to look at but I'm flattered none the less. Hell, I'm nothing to look at! Anyway, at this rate I'll have hot chicks after me by the end of the year! First I had a 60ish year old lady hitting on me about a month ago, now this lady, and it's nothing but up from there! Hope it's some hot Asian chick, that would make it special.

WHACK NUT OF THE WEEK

Gene Ray is a genuine whack nut, and he's going to pay you $10,000 if you can prove him wrong. This guy is convinced that everything is cubed (can't wait for the cubed penis spam in my e-mail box!) including this planet. He's convinced that there are 4 simultaneous 24 hour days going on at any given time. He's convinced only HE has any wisdom, you and I are dumb asses. His page timecube.com is worth a look if your not doing anything for the next hour and enjoy some old rednecks madness. I will agree with him about the Christian god being evil, but someone needs to let Gene know is a raving loony!

EVANESCENCE DIS JESUS

Looks like Evanescence want to distance themselves from Jesus. I guess Wind-up records is pulling their album from Christian outlets because guitarist Ben Moody said, "We're actually high on the Christian charts, and I'm like, What the fuck are we even doing there?" Props to Evanescence for setting the record straight and admitting that they are not Christian. Creed should have done the same thing up front.

DREAM WEIRDNESS CONTINUES

It's just been weird, I'm not lying. Last night I dreamt that I was in high school, but the dream was taking place where I went to grade school. There was a new race of people that were about 1/10th the size of regular people and they were being incorporated into our society. Guess they were from another planet or something, but they were human, just very small humans. Anyway, I was in love with this little blond female being (and she with me) and I was going room to room searching for something I can't remember. I remember her telling me she was 18 years old, the same age I was in the dream. She was really cute but very small. That's about it. The detail in the old elementary school was very vivid, the same as I remember it being, right down to the lockers and rooms. That's all I remember.

MOVIES

Upgraded our movie package with DirecTV to include all the movie channels. It's only $18 more and seeing that summer is here and work is at a standstill I might as well takethe $18 I would spend on rentals or a DVD and put it towards those channels.

Watched Vanilla Sky, and it was way better than I would have expected it to be. Plus I love how they kept you guessing until the end of the movie. Men in Black II wasn't horrible, but it wasn't real good either. Stranger Than Fiction was a waste of time, one of those movies that just sucks and then fucks up the ending making it even worse. Am I wrong, or is Cinemax just a soft porn channel? Whatever.

DREAMS

I think I have mentioned my dreams have been really weird as of late. The Cenobites from the Hellraiser movies made a guest appearance this week. The Cenobites that were in my dream were lesser demons, they were known as Snyphetts. One hand no limbs and was like a part of a torso with machinery attached, the other one was a female type Cenobite that was bound by electrical cords and had an electrical device that she kept putting in her mouth and shocking herself. This isn't the first time a movie monster has entered my dreams. I've had dreams with vampires, demons, witches, giant ratlizards, men in black (no not Will Smith), werewolves, ghosts, aliens (had a very disturbing abduction dream just about a week ago, very disturbing), mummies, zombies, genies, and even a dream where Freddy Kruger from Nightmare on Elm St. was after me. I woke up thinking it was real! I have had dreams about YHWH (god) throwing me into the Mormon version of hell (outer darkness), I had a dream of the crucifixion of the Christian Messiah from his prospective, and of course many Apocalyptic dreams including cannibalistic followers of Satan. I'm not at all normal when it comes to dreaming.

CONSCIOUSNESS

Watched BIGTHINKERS on Techtv yesterday. It was about Daniel C. Dennett and his views on consciousness. Pretty damn cool. Talked about AI, god, consciousness. This episode and the one about Michio Kaku are really good. The whole superstring theory is pretty mind blowing, sub-atomic matter vibrating in 10-dimensional hyperspace, pretty wild. I've actually met Michio Kaku. He was a guest speaker out at work for some conference, he's a brilliant man!

SAMANTHA MUMBADid you see the movie Time Machine? I watched it twice, not because it was a compelling story or anything but because Samantha Mumba was in it. She is officially the hot chick of the week. Going to be more updated now that summer is here and work is at a standstill. Juliya Chernetsky was the last hot chick of the week posted here. If you have ideas for who you would like to see just leave a shout out or e-mail.

DREAMLAND

It's been a strange trip to dreamland this past week. Been hanging out with a lot of rock & roll chicks in my dreams this week. I've been a transvestite, partied with goth chicks in parking garages. It has been a wild ride. Josie was even my sister in one dream, but nothing kinky happened.

COOKOUT

Went to my sister-in-law's house last night for a cook out. Something we ate didn't taste right. Does me mentioning explosive diarrhea conjure up any unpleasant images? Josie got it too, her story was one of running to the bathroom at work. I don't think Josie's sister has a handle on food storage so next time I'm invited I think I'll pass.

PSYCHIC VAMPIRES

Religious people scare me more than monsters ever did. That image of a skinny bloody Jesus hanging like a side of beef scares me. People who drink blood and eat flesh scare me, even if it is just symbolic it's still sick. Christianity is really nothing more than a scary story about cannibalistic zombie vampires who hunt the mindless, and it's coming soon to a theater near you!

FRAILTY

Saw the movie Frailty tonight. It was better than expected. Just goes to show that a horror movie doesn't have to be just blood and guts to be scary. What you don't see is always scarier anyway, that and the madness of the human mind.

PEPSI

There is only one thing wrong with the most perfect drink ever, it keeps my ass up when I could be sleeping. I need to be asleep right now but the Pepsi fairy is buzzing in my head. It's not that bad of a thing though, I could be all cracked out or high on methamphetamines.

WORK

I opened my big mouth up at work and almost got in big trouble. One of the resident meth addicts was bitching and complaining about his placement in the room for a lunch function. He has a bad hand because he fell out of a tree a few months ago and got hurt. As it goes I was given the task of placing people with partners and in sections for service so I put him with only four tables on the corner back of the room with a fellow drug addict instead of five tables like most people had. I was being nice and it was about the best section in the room to have. So scratch and bitch (as I shall call him from now on) started scratching his face and bitching up a storm, not knowing I was the one who drew the diagram and placed him with those tables. I let him know why I put him there and then walked away. Bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch.... So then I opened my mouth and said, "Maybe I should just bring in a shotgun so some people can put themselves out of their misery." Bad move. If it wasn't for the fact that this dumb ass has said tons of questionable things to me in the past and that he is a meth addict, I think I would have been taken to human resources. He was pissed off and proceeded to bitch about it (surprise) to everyone who would listen, including Josie. From now on I am just going to tell him to go away. Best solution.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

I originally read about this on the God Is For Suckers blog. The WHAT WILL HEAVEN BE LIKE article (from Christianitytoday.com) is, well, just plain childish and retarded. I cut and pasted the same part that God Is For Suckers did on their page:

7. If we have emotions in Heaven, why won't we be sad about those we loved who are in hell?

"We know there is no sadness in Heaven: "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes" (Rev. 7:17). I think we will not be sad about the damned for the same reason God is not. According to the Sermon on the Mount, he will say to them, "I never knew you" (Matt. 7:23). God will wipe our memories clean. This is not falsehood or ignorance, but truth, for in a sense, the damned no longer are, that is, they no longer are in the most real place of all, Heaven. They no longer count. They are like ashes, not like wood. They once were fully human, fully alive, real men and women. But hell is a place not of eternal life but of eternal death. We do not love or weep over ashes; we only love or weep over the thing that existed before it was burnt. In Heaven, however, we will not live in the past, we will have no regrets; nor will we live in the future, we will have no fears; but like God, we will live in the eternal present.Our heavenly emotions will be appropriate to present reality, not past reality.

And you want me to love and accept this deity? Not in a million years. God is love, my ass!

HACKER

Computer was down for a day or so. Brandon, even though he is only five, happened to install Gator, Xupiter, and Memory Maker on my computer. Needless to say, it was one fucked up computer. Well, after a lot of work, and re-installing Windows 98 I think I have it back to normal. Brandon has been banned from the computer for life. Little turd!

COOL SONGS

The Streets - Don't Mug Yourself
Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At (great Gary Numan sample)
Death Angel - I'm Bored
Trapt - Headstrong

THE RING

This is the second time watching this movie, and it didn't get better. The ending just sucked. The dvd had some deleted scenes that should have been left in, including the ending of the movie. We also watched Castaway with Tom Hanks yesterday. That was a decent movie.

HOME SICK

Josie has reverse home sickness! She is sick of being home and sick of her family's shit. Looks like someone will be going with us to Nebraska this summer after all. Can't wait to see my family. We are going to take Little Nicky with us too, he's so damn cute. He's doing really good with the potty training.

UP THE ASS

Intriguing things make it up the ass of human beings. I understand the concept of anal sex, or the use of that area during sex, but I don't understand the logic behind the use of certain foreign objects. Everything from spoons, Barbie heads, toy race cars, shower curtain rods, broom sticks, glass bottles, candy, a cement enema, and get this, a trout! At what point on your fishing trip do you get a raging boner and decide, "Wow, this fish is sexy!" People, just go to the fricking local adult shop and pick up a dildo and some lube for god's sake!

THE STUPIDS

Yes, I knew it would happen sooner or later, the stupids would find their way onto my blog. Who are they you may ask yourself? They are the in-laws of course. Tonight was one of there finer performances. Josie's mom has a birthday just around the corner and they were going to have a surprise birthday party for her with a Mexican band and the whole nine yards. The catch is that it was for family only, seeing that there are 13 brothers and sisters in her family. So by the time you have family with wives and husbands and kids there just isn't any room for more people. Anyway, the same retard sister that always starts shit gave a grand performance tonight and had a melt down because she couldn't invite the whole south side of Tucson. Got into name calling, accusations of me being rich, which I am in her eyes because I don't live off of food stamps, and, well, it was just the special Olympics of debate as far as I see it. So, Josie is distressed in a major way because now her sister and her mom are not talking to her again. For me that means peace of mind and less mindless bullshit to deal with for the next few months to a year. Happy-happy-joy-joy. It's a big family mess at this point.

50 cent

Is that guy just a CroMag retard or what? Nuf' said? It's yer birfday. Which brings me to another point, I saw the movie "Whiteboyz" last night. It was about these Iowa kids thinking they were straight up ghetto thugs, know what I'm talkin bout g? Anyway, they end up in Chicago with some real thugs and just about die. Wake up call for white boy. I just don't get this whole white kid thinking they are black routine. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate black people and I hate dopey rich white folk myself, but I'm not disillusioned. I'm a white guy and I deal with it. Doesn't make me un-cool, or even an outcast, just makes me what I am. Don't be afraid to be who you are. REPRESENT YO!

GAY VOICES IN MY HEAD!

Looking at different people who did silly "gay" voices on film or for cartoon characters. People such as Ed Wynn, Paul Lynde, Daws Butler (voice of Wally Gator and Snagglepuss), Mayor Maynot (Dana Carvey) from Master of Disguise, Paul Frees. There is an another old actor who does this similar voice but I can't think of who it is. It might just be Ed Wynn who I really don't have a grasp on at the moment. Anyway, you got to love that silly voice. If you can think of some silly gay voices, leave a shout out.

SWEET REVENGE

Revenge is sweetest when you get it on someone and they don't even know it. Some people need to just shut the fuck up at work, I've been doing work in the food and beverage industry for for well over fifteen years now so I think I have a pretty good grip on what I'm doing. So, be quiet and I won't fuck with you. Funny to hear someone say, "How did that happen?" when you know good and well that you did it. Funny to see the look of bewilderment because they have no idea it was you, and don't even remotely suspect you did it. Funny how if you keep your damn mouth shut and that kind of shit doesn't happen. I did it, but I'm not telling!!!

CHRISTIAN MINISTER GOES DOWN

A Christian Minister here in Tucson faces statutory rape charges because of what he did with someone's 17 year old daughter. Oh, and he was kicked out of the last church he was in charge of because they caught him looking at porn on the churches computer. I hope it was really hot Asian chicks!!! What's better than looking at hot naked Asian chicks at church? Anyway, I was watching a couple of Christians reading the article in the paper and discussing it very briefly in the cafeteria at work. They know my stance on Christianity and looked over several times during their discussion and I didn't blink a lash or say anything. Like I said above, it's best just to keep your mouth shut sometimes. I did more damage not saying anything than if I had said what I wanted to say. Your living a lie people, quit pretending your god's little favorites because it's not working.

I LOST MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO

I hope your having fun in San Francisco Sam and Bill! Lucky bastards...

COOL MUSIC OF THE DAY

Mu-ziq - Vibes
The Ataris - Boys of Summer
Sublime - Wrong Way