BLOODSUCKING FREAKS

Holy fuck! What did I do today between shifts? Instead of going home I got to watch this movie at an undisclosed location. Jesus talk about weird as hell! This wasn't even a B movie, but more in the realm of C movie. It was very disturbing to boot, full of S & M, nudity, blood, bad acting, and cannibalism. I have to admit I laughed out loud a couple of times, but I also had to look away when the doctor took a power drill to some pretty girls head then put a straw in her head and started sucking the fluid from her skull. Oh, did I mention he pulled out all of her teeth first because he wanted a blow job but he didn't what her to bite him? He got his anyway when he wandered into a cage full of naked female cannibals. The dart board drawn on some girls butt was a little over the top as well. Yes, they played darts! Anyway, I don't recommend any of you ever watch this movie, especially if you've dropped acid. I'm an odd person, and I like weird movies but this was just beyond the beyond in my book. What kind of sick bastard decides he's going to make a movie like this anyway?

FAST FOOD

We were running around a couple of nights ago so we decided to grab a burger on the way home because it was late. We decided to go to WHATABURGER, it's right near where we live and I didn't want to eat McDonalds. So we get to the drive-thru and order, pull up behind the vehicle in front of us and then we sat there for about a half an hour. I have no idea what was going on but there were more than six cars behind us at one point. The lady behind us talked the other cars into backing up so that she could get out. We backed out too and took off. So I'm sorry for ordering and running off but damn people send someone outside to explain what is going on next time. Oh, we went to McDonalds by the way. Big Mac...

STAND UP

After seeing the M.C. at the local comedy club perform I'm really thinking about approaching stand up comedy again. This guy was beyond pathetic! I was never this bad even on my worse night. Sure, A.D.D. is funny for a little while but it's not funny for over a half an hour. I went with Dennis and his parents and a few other friends came along as well. As we were leaving the club Dennis's mother remarks how horrible the M.C. was. Me, being unfiltered and having no common sense said, "Yeah, I could have stood up there and mocked my own genitalia for a good half hour and got more of a response from the audience." His mother actually laughed at this as did everyone within earshot. I have a tendency to talk way too much. It was nice to finally meet his parents though. His mom is pretty zany and his dad doesn't say much, he just sits there with his devilish grin. I got to relive a few family stories that Dennis has told a dozen times, only this time his mother told them. There is a sitcom waiting to be hatched on the life and times of Dennis and his family.

UPGRADE

Brandon got accepted to a Magnet school yesterday. We had to wait two years but he got in. The education is more focused at these public schools. He will also get bussing to and from school, so now I don't have to drive him or Miranda to school anymore! It was kind of sad though because he had to tell his current schoolmates goodbye yesterday. The teacher also commented on how smart and well behaved he was which made me even more proud of him. I wish the well behaved portion of Brandon was present at home today because he's playing the part of Mordred and it's pissing me off!

CAN'T TOUCH THIS

M.C. Hammer, failed pop star, now makes his money as a mouthpiece for god. I WAS a Christian for a good 25 years, and listening to him repeat the same old spiel that I've heard a hundred times before seemed pretty comical. No, maybe not comical but redundant. Even if I were a believer I don't think I could take spiritual advice from the same guy who penned "Can't Touch This" as well as a remake of "The Adams Family" theme song and then went bankrupt because he spent all his money foolishly on a huge entourage of people and a very lavish home. One of the guys from Run D.M.C. is a "reverend" as well. There is a place here in Tucson that will ordain me as a priest of my own religion. I'm seriously thinking about doing it just for the hell of it. Rev. Joe or Father Joe would look good on my name tag for work. I want to pontificate for a while, I want to speak gods loud funny words!

I HAD TO GET RID OF THIS ONE

Post deleted. Due to the subject matter posted here I deleted the post. I can not explain paranormal activity, and I feel like a mad man when I speak of what happened back in 1989. It happened, I don't know what it was or why it happend. No, I don't believe it was a devil or Satan because that is just plain childish. There is a lot about this universe we don't understand. Just because it's unexplained doesn't throw it into the category of "god" or "Satan." First thing you would have to determine is which god you were talking about, because technically even Satan could fall under that title. Second, what purpose would this event serve? None, other than scaring the holy living shit out of me. Seeing having the shit scared out of a person does not damn them to the mythological place called hell, I don't think Satan had a whole lot to do with it. What ever it was it was controlled, intelligent, and beyond my understanding. No, it wasn't god for Pete's (whoever he is) sake.

I QUIT!

This whole gas line mess is fucking with me and I'm so through with it's not even funny! Josie is being a shit about it all. She has no comprehension of what has happened, it isn't fucking McDonalds, it isn't instant potatoes, chill the fuck out and let it get fixed. Man, if you never see another post here it will because of a heart attack due to stress. Fuck this shit!

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is on it's way, and if you know me then you know this is the most sacred day out of any day during the year for me. Why, just because I love everything about it! Think of it all, the horror, movies, candy, costumes, pranks, and the occasional kick to the groin. All of these things make it a special day for me! I can't wait, I really do love Halloween!!

TOP 5

I saw on another page where they were doing a top 5 Halloween list. Can be anything top five dealing with Halloween, I personally posted my top five scariest moments of my life. Feel free to leave your top 5 Halloween whatever and I'll post the winner on Halloween day. I will also keep pointing  back to this post and reminding everyone about it. Let's make it interesting!

MONEY PIT

The gas line is bad, has to be replaced and the water pipe is bad too so I might as well have that replace as well and out of the way at the same time to avoid ever doing that again. The price? $780 for both. Luis and I dug the trench yesterday, Luis doing the bulk of it all. That guy is a machine! I just can't take the sun once it gets close to one hundred degrees outside. So I was toast by two in the afternoon and Luis kept on for about another hour. Then again I started before he got there but it was cool outside and still didn't work as fast as he did. Only problem is if the inside leaks during a pressure test then we have to have inside repaired as well and I won't be able to have the work done because I'm literally out of money at that point. Christ, what a lovely year this is turning out to be. It could be worse though, I could be a gay Haitian hemophiliac with a drug problem, aids, and an albino sister with Turrets Syndrome. It's my light and fluffy sense of humor that keeps my candy coated ass from going insane at times like this. At least I've been sleeping well. Can you imagine the insomnia hitting me hard right now, I would losing it for sure.

2112

The band RUSH? No. Rush Limbaugh in trouble? I hope so. I hate that asshole. I remember him saying right after the whole 9/11 thing that he was appalled  by how many American women found Osama Bin Laden attractive. What ever. I have nothing else to say about that idiot.

PHONES RINGING

I want to apologize to the phone solicitor that called my house. I know your just trying to make your minimum wage by calling up busy people and trying to sell them the local paper, but you need to hang up when the person on the other end fucks with you. I'm sorry I asked you to come over and fuck me up the ass. I'm sorry I mocked your seven day - thirteen week special, and that I said it would be special if you came over and fucked me, but really, just hang up when you get flustered. I'm sorry I accused you of wanting to come over and do me like a schoolgirl when you asked for my address, and that I lied and said my name was Ted Johnson. I'm also sorry you called in your supervisor and that I told him you were trying to date rape me. Next time just hang up, or do yourself a favor and remove me from your precious little phone list. Oh, I also lied when I said I'd been had by the entire U of A football team, I'm just a tease.

I HAD GAS

O.k. this is the lowdown, the gas company came to my house and turned off my gas. My pipes were corroded and dangerous I can comprehend that, but why the hell do they come to their customers and try to rape them in the process? Seriously, $700 to fix a gas line? Well, I've been talking to people who can do this job and they are telling me that the gas company is trying to do me up the ass without any lubricant and failing to give me a well deserved reach around in the process. So Luis and I started digging the trench this evening and we will finish it in the morning. I have a plumber coming to give me an estimate in the morning to put the pipe in. So it should end up costing me less than $300 in the long run. So I feel better about that. My car on the other hand started making the worst noise in the world a few nights ago. On the way to the mechanic it stopped making the noise and seems fine now; He's going to take a look at it to see if the belt is just loose or not. I hope nothing is wrong, I just couldn't afford it. Are there any millionaires out there that have any spare cash they want to throw at a helpless blatherskite? I need it if you don't want it, seriously!

POPPIES WILL MAKE THEM SLEEP

I've been sleeping better than I have in a long time. I have been getting to bed around ten or so and getting at least eight hours of sleep for a change.  Why? Who the hell knows. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS

What else can go wrong? My car that just got fixed broke down again, same problem. So I need to get the alternator fixed which should be under warrantee but I'm sure will cost me money and then we started smelling gas in the back yard. Natural Gas leak, they turned our gas off and I have to wait to talk to an engineer from the city gas company to get an estimate. So that means we are without gas for the next week or so, basically. Heating bath water by microwave should be a fun time. The guy that came here to check out the gas smell said it would cost close to $1000. Double fuck! At this point it's almost like there is a conspiracy to see if they (whoever that could be) can break Joe. What next, this is definitely one of the worst months of one of the worst years for me financially. Seriously, what next? I think at this point I'm going to basic service as far as television is concerned, and I might just have to get rid of the internet. Just can't live this way much longer if work doesn't pick up.

NEW SONG

Yvonne at Aged and Confused was having a contest about what she should be for Halloween and the choice for COCK was winning out. I told her to send a wav file about it and I would make a song out of it. So here it is folks! Enjoy. I can post the Melly Mix song again if anyone wanted to download it.

Here is the remix of "If I had a cock." This is what I came up with this afternoon.


Shyzmattic - If I had a cock(constant boner mix).mp3

YUMMY?

I stayed home and cooked today. I made "Wendy's" chili from a recipe I found on the net. Damn I can cook. I also modified it a bit with jalapeno peppers which gave it a nice edge, but not too spicy. Four hours later it came out really good! Miranda liked it, as did Josie. Brandon had one of those ramen noodle styro cup things again. Brandon wasn't about to touch anything that is labeled "chili" because Tabasco is made with chili peppers and he knows how hot that can be. I love Tabasco by the way, but didn't use any in the chili I made today. I got Brandon to try peanut butter with pickles tonight. He loved it! I'm telling you, nothing goes better with a bowl of chile than a peanut butter sandwich and dill pickles. Miranda likes the peanut butter pickle combo as well. Josie thought we were all stark raving mad. The whole chili, pickle, and peanut butter combo came about through the Burwell Nebraska school cafeteria. They use to serve it on Wednesdays every other week when I was in elementary school. I also found some great ideas on how to make Carne Asada on the net. I'm one hell of a good cook according to Josie's brother Luis. He says I cook Mexican food better than a lot of Mexicans he knows. Cooking is just simple science. So I'm going to make some Carne Asada tacos tomorrow night. I am also surfing the net trying to find the best way to make refried beans. I also have one parting word for you. GAS! It's wicked foul, Yo!!!!

BACK IN BLACK

Aright bitches, been a bit busy at work but that is o.k. because I need the money so bad that it hurts. A lot of things happening all of a sudden, funny how it all happens at once. We got a new Teacup Chihuahua from my niece two days ago. Her husband found it wondering the streets a couple of weeks ago and picked it up then took it home. I don't think this dog has been being fed properly for a long time because he's pretty skinny and he is a small dog. This little guy is so tiny that we named him just that, Tiny. He's the most lovable little dog I've ever had, I'm not fucking with you! God, what a stroke of good luck, he's a great dog. I have to add this before I post this. Miranda and I just discovered that this dog will not respond to any given name we have thrown out to him other than Killer. Funny but true. I think Tiny just became Killer. Not my choice but he seems to respond to this. Very funny anyway. I wonder why someone would let this dog just wander around and not feed it or take him to a shelter or something. He has already gained some weight and is eating well now. On the other hand Nala, our Labrador mix is sick and I think we are going to have to put her down soon. Josie doesn't want to but Nala has cancer on her nose and it's getting worse. The vet told us nothing could be done. Her poor nose hurts her bad enough and if she starts to act real sick I'm not going to let her suffer. When that happens this room is going to be converted to a bedroom office for yours truly. Right now it's the dogs room and my computer room. I love my wife but I also love to sleep by myself. She knows where to find me for all that hot sex action that you read about in Penthouse magazine anyway so don't you fret! She came home early today from work and this is how it went:

Dear Penthouse,

I have to share this story with you and please let your readers know this is a true account of my passion, not just some steamy story dreamt up for your avid readers. This morning I was doing a whole lot of nothing. I live in the desert and it's been raining for two days now so there wasn't much going on for me on my day off from work other than listening to music and watching television. I decided at one point to get up and clean the house so that my wife would find it to her liking when she got home from work. This was an easy task seeing that my wife is a clean freak and I only had to straighten up and do some dishes. As soon as I had achieved this small task I decided to take a shower. I put on some music relatively loud so that I could hear it above the splashing water in the shower. I started to lather my body up with a rather nicely scented men's soap, slowly working the silky suds all over my body. The hot water caressed me from behind as the steam seemed to penetrate my every pore. Suddenly a voice from beyond the shower curtain whispered "I'm home from work already, are you ready?" My wife emerged naked from behind this curtain. She gazed into my eyes as her fragile hands grasped at my nine inches of manhood.....

Now it really did happen this way up to the part where my wife walked into the bathroom and announced she was home early. And why does the guy always have a nine inch cock in those stories? Needless to say, I got lucky this morning and it was whole lot of fun being able to have sex without any kids knocking on locked doors or being afraid of making a little noise and waking the kids up. I may be hearing things but I think my wife called me Captain Carl at one point. I need glasses.

INSTANT MESSAGE I JUST GOT

Darcy76543210211:

Hey shyven1666,

Gay men who do the nasty on a bus! This site is a MUST see!!!!

Ah..... Gee...... Thanks?

WORK

Dana Carvey was the entertainment last night at the dinner we served for Information Week. Hewlett Packard was the sponsor for last nights dinner and they spent some major bucks. Last year they had Bill Cosby. Anyway, Dana Carvey was hilarious, the meeting planners told me I rocked, and I had it out with one of the old hags at work so it was a good day. I told an old lady to mind her own business and that I was more than capable of doing my job without comments all day. That's all I said, now she isn't speaking to me. Praise Jesus!

SONGS DU JOUR

Morrisey - We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Crybaby Soundtrack - King Cry Baby

Little Richard - Long Tall Sally

Ween - strap on the jammy pac

The Beatles - I Dig A Pony

King Diamond - The 7th Day Of July 1777

Skinny Puppy - Yes He Ran

Mortiis - Parasite God

Kraftwerk - Antenna

TOP 5

Anyone watch TOP 5 on FOOD NETWORK last night? The #4 Swim Up Pool was at our resort. So if you watched you got to see where I've been hanging out on my days off this past week. I have to work another double shift today so I have to cut this short. Remember, Jesus loves you! Wait, no he doesn't, I was just kidding. Don't get too close to the fire now...

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SONGS- NIGHT OF THE DEMON

Someone e-mailed me after I posted the MELLY MIX song and asked if I did any other songs. I though I would post one here and there so that you can take a listen. This is just me messing around having fun, wish I had better equipment and other musicians around to make it sound a lot better. Enjoy

Night of the Demon.mp3

NEW BEGINNING

It's official! Miranda became a teenager around 9:00 a.m. this morning. Jesus, does this mean I'm getting old? Nah, how could a Cradle of Filth loving fat bastard goth wanna be dad be old? She really is a great kid, I couldn't ever express in mere mortal words how much I love her. She's going to break some hearts too. Her cousin Ema is staying the night tonight and stayed last night as well. The are both Chicana and Anglo mix. There is something about mixing the two gene pools that comes out with startling results. They look a lot a like, but Miranda is just a wee bit smaller becuase she takes after her petite mother, but both are extremely pretty girls. Miranda got her report card yesterday, and even though it's not quite as good as last year it's not bad. All Bs so far. I hope she can turn the majority of them into As like last year. Brandon is doing real good too. He just needs to mellow out and not be such a six year old little boy. The key word being SPASTIC!

BEYOND DREAM WEIRDNESS

Don't know what happened but I had the most restless night full of weird dreams I can remember in a long time, all very vivid and just plain wacky! The first dream I had was me and this dwarf chick, who really wasn't a dwarf just very petite (dream dictated that she was a dwarf) were making a porn flick. She was pretty damn hot and we were just going through the motions because we were making a movie. Jesus Christ, it gets weirder. The next dream was about me working a cater out function in a wild west setting. This function I was working was for a well known local car dealer named Jim Click. Inside one of the buildings was tons of professional wrestling history paraphernalia. There were photographs and all kinds of wrestling rings dating back to the early 1900's. I was in one of the rings doing flips and jumps from the top ring rope. This car dealer and I struck up a conversation about wrestling and we were both amazed at how much each other knew about professional wrestling. We ended up becoming good friends and we did on of those "let's do lunch" kind of partings. Next dream I was up in a cabin or house in the woods with Madonna and some other girl. Madonna was all decked out in one of her naughty little outfits. Well the dream got real naughty and I ended up giving Madonna the business so to speak. The other girl was just there coaching us. It was a very raunchy dream so I'll leave it at that. I rarely have sex dreams but to have two in one night? I guess I'm not getting enough in real life or something. Madonna is a naughty girl indeed!

PRICE CHECK!

I was whistling at Josie at the grocery store to get her attention and to pester her a little at the same time. I was at the end of the isle and had been waiting for her so that is why I started whistling. All of a sudden this gorgeous blond on the next isle pops her head around and asks if I'm whistling at her. I started to giggle and told her no, that I was pestering my wife. She smiled real big and said "Oh, I thought you were trying to get MY attention." Man she was hot! I wonder what she would have said if I had told her that I was trying to get her attention.

RED LIGHT MEANS STOP

What's up with people in traffic singing karaoke style at red lights? If you can sing I wouldn't mind, but singing songs by Chicago off key and at the top of your lungs with your windows down should be a federal offence of some type. And don't look so surprised when I look over at you because your going to get funny looks from everybody squawking out loud like that.

TWISTING BY THE POOL PART II

Six more hours at the pool today! Ye haw! And not a single person went down that damn slide (pictured below) for the first five hours. Hour six I had about ten people going down. I was yelling at adults not to run around the pool. I drank a ton of lemon aid today while reading. That was my day. Got home and Brandon is sick. I'm keeping him home tomorrow because he sounds like one of those old blues singers. Poor little guy felt so sick that he passed out around eight tonight.

TWISTING BY THE POOL

Spent six hours yesterday sitting in the shade watching the water slide. Five people went down that bitch in six hours. So I spent quality time reading a book. Today holds the same promise, with even fewer people at the pool. I'll be drinking lemon aid and reading. Can you feel the excitement?

GLASS FROM WHERE?

When I woke up this morning I had a tiny pain on my back. I thought maybe it was a cut or something and it was in a spot I couldn't see in the mirror. I ended up feeling around and found the spot on my back, and it felt weird. It felt like a tiny scab or an ingrown hair. I finally got a hold on whatever it was and it turned out to be a piece of glass that was more than a quarter inch long and very very thin. At least I think it was glass. Now how in the hell did that piece of glass get there first of all. Second, where did it come from. Third, I would have felt something that long going in so why don't I remember anything sticking me in the back there. I'm puzzled to say the least. It's times like these that you want to give those who said they have been abducted by aliens a little nod or something. I really can't imagine how that thing got in my back without me noticing.

MUCH BETTER

Been kind of busy the past couple of days so I didn't sit down and take time to type anything out. Work is picking up slightly so that is good, plus I picked up watching the water slide at the pool tomorrow and the next day mainly to get hours. I need to have a minimum of 1440 hours a year to remain full time in my current position at work and I'm still about 400 hours away.  So I have no days off this week but it's money I otherwise wouldn't have had. I also tapped into my 401(k) to make sure I didn't go into the red this month. So I'm not sot depressed anymore. The next two years of business are shaping up already so that looks good too. I'm now also part of the safety committee at work. Josie is jealous as hell because the other person from our department that is on the safety committee is Diane and Josie feels threatened by her for some reason. She's even had dreams that I was getting it on with Diane and she walked in on us. Weird. So when Josie found out I was on the committee with Diane she just about went through the roof. Easy honey, it's a safety committee, not a weekend romp in a downtown hotel.

MORE DREAMS

I had a dream last night that a god was speaking to me or a group of people including me. He took on the form of a giant black hole that was swallowing an entire galaxy. Don't know what this god was saying but I remember the conversation being telepathic. When the god was speaking there was a glowing light coming from the event horizon and down to earth. When information was being offered back glowing light came from the earth and up to the edge of the galaxy. It may have even been a movie I was watching in my dream because I remember something about it being a movie but it's all pretty vague. Also more dreams about Burwell Nebraska that I can't recall.

CLASS OF 1984

Speaking of Burwell, I got a letter from a classmate last week asking if I would be interested  in attending a class reunion for the Burwell High School class of 1984. My answer is Fuck No! I wasn't well received in that little redneck town by the people or by my classmates in that town. I only kept in touch with about four of the people I went to school with and now I only write to two of those people via E-mail once or twice a year. I never had many friends growing up there but had dozens and dozens of friends here in Tucson. So do I want to go back to Nebraska next year to visit with people I didn't like 20 years ago? I threw the letter in the trash without a second thought.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

Why do I dream so much about Burwell Nebraska? Is it because I was tortured there for 18 years of my life? Was it the rednecks? Who knows! I had a dream last night that I was in my elementary school music class room. It's the same room that we had band practice in as well. I'm working with Dennis and we have a buffet set up for all these people from the Midwest. People are eating and then the lights dimmed and they started singing karaoke. The people who got up sang country and western music, and on top of that nobody could sing well at all. Finally this one girl who looks familiar gets up and sings a song. She sings like a professional and I can't believe it. My dad is all of a sudden sitting next to me and I ask him if this girl was from around Burwell. He tells me yes, and her name which I can't remember, and asks me if I remember her from school. No one else gets up and I start thinking about doing a song too. I'm going to do my standard Black Sabbath or Nazareth songs and rock these rednecks. A few new people walk into the room and they look at the food we have set up, sit down, then call me over. They tell me the pizza sandwiches are stale and wonder if we will be bringing more out. I asked them if they said pizza sandwiches because this strikes me as weird. They say yes so I start looking for Dennis because he is the one working the buffet. The other dream I had was about visiting some people in another place as well. It was a couple of girls and they were kind of after me if you know what I mean. At one point I'm on the lawn in front of a house having a picnic or something with these girls and they are getting frisky with me. It then dawns on me that Josie is inside the house and I look over to the front door. Josie has been standing there the whole time and is angry as hell. That is all I can remember. I know a lot of things happened in between but can't recall what happened.

WORK

Work is going to suck today. I have something over at the Country Club pool with three other people. That means we have to transport everything over there by hand and it's going to take a lot of time. It also means it's Country Club people over there and they are the rudest most self absorbed people in Tucson. Not looking forward to this at all. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about tonight when I get home. I also signed up to work at the pool watching the slide on my days off. It will be relatively slow so that means I will get to sit on my butt for about eight hours reading my book, drinking beverages, and making about $6.50 an hour. Not great money by any means but it is money and it's better than going out looking for part time work. I just watch the slide and make sure people are following the rules, and that nobody drowns of course. I watched the slide quite a bit during the summer two years ago and one day I only had one kid using the slide, but he used the slide all day long. He was an autistic kid who was about 14 years old and his name was Conner. His mother sat and talked to me for a long time until his dad came to watch him. Conner would talk to himself and sometimes he would pretend to be a porpoise. You know how they can kind of stand up above the water as they bob back and forth moving forward? Conner was trying to do this and making dolphin noises. It was strange.

PMS (PRETTY MISS SATAN)

Josie is the queen of foul attitudes when she is on her period. You could tell her that she just won the Power Ball lottery and she would tell you in her little Chicana accent, "You can kiss my ass!" So tonight I was helping Brandon with his homework which he is more than capable of doing but needs help slowing down and writing neatly. He doesn't need to turn his work in until next week but he's already almost done with it. So I'm making him rewrite a few numbers and he starts blowing me off. I have to repeat things like three times before I get his attention and then I reminded him that his teacher said the same thing, that he isn't listening correctly. Later, Josie in all her wisdom and wit says, "That teacher can suck my pussy! I feel like telling her to bite my bloody pad!" Of course this is the devil speaking through my wife as he always does one week out of the month. I told her she needs to calm down and tone the language down as well. She starts going on about how the teacher can chew on her pad and so on. I walked away at this point because I saw the movie "The Exorcist" and that is what Father Merrin would have done when Pazuzu taunted him. So I go to use the bathroom and there is stuff from the wastebasket ripped up and all over the floor. Obviously Nicky our Chihuahua got in there and reeked havoc while we were all in the dining room doing bills and homework. I yelled down the hall to Josie, "Hey Josie, how did Brandon's teacher get in here and do this?" She walks over and sees tissue paper and a bloody pad or two all torn up covering the carpet. I did get a laugh so don't tell me the devil has no sense of humor. I'm in love with the devil, dirty pad or not.

BETTER

Feeling much better now. I guess we are all allowed a little depression once in a great while. I can see how disabling depression could be if one were a manic depressive type. I should have just taken yesterday off but I needed the work. Anyway, thanks for the comments! They did help.

R.I.P JOHNNY CASH AND JOHN RITTER

Wow, two for one. I loved them both, believe it or not. If it hadn't been for Jack Tripper I would have never known what "gay" meant. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. I'll never forget listening to my fathers Johnny Cash records. It was the only country music other than Patsy Cline that I appreciated when I was growing up. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. That is the third loss in the world of entertainment this week. Always seems to come in threes.

COOL TUNES TODAY

Find Another Fool - Quarterflash

Endless Handbag - Lavender Hill Mob

Pre-Menstrual Princess Blues - Stormtroopers of Death

Imprint - Double Drive

Woo Ha - Busta Rhymes

Cuz Its Hot - My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Temptation - Heaven 17

911 AND MORE

Spent my day off at work today. I'm broke, what do you expect? I managed to knock over about 50 crates worth of minibar products first thing this morning setting the pace for the rest of the day. I basically went to work today because I was so depressed last night and it was all I could to to keep from going mad. Josie is not a new hurricane but rather my wife who is suffering the madness of PMS (hate week as I call it,) I'm broke as hell due to a shitty economy and a more than weak summer (no work, no money,) it's 9/11, and I just feel like shit. I ended up watching the movie phenomena with John Travolta last night and that didn't make me any happier either. So I worked today for a different department for a whole lot less than what I usually make and ended up working a whole hell of a lot harder than I had expected to. I was told last night that I would only be driving a cart. Today I was expected to lift, deliver, and retrieve products used in minibars at the resort. They stuck me with a guy who can't handle alcohol because of his religion so I got to do double while this idiot asked a lot of stupid questions. I won't be doing that again, trust me. One more slow week then business picks up, or that is what I'm told. So leave nice comments in the comment box because I really need cheering up! Even if you usually just read this page and never comment, please do. Trust me, I need cheering up.

CARS

Man, talk about a fisting! I just spent a grand total of $344 getting my alternator fixed on my car, plus the tow to the shop. The good news is that it was the alternator and not my frying my motor! I checked the oil on my car when it broke down the other night and it was registering that it was completely empty. I checked it again the next day when having it towed, still empty. Steve, my mechanic for the past twelve years, said the oil was fine. I guess my car must have been on a steeper incline that I had noticed and kept the oil away from the measuring stick. So relief knowing I still have a car, dread knowing that work has been next to nothing and I'm broke as hell and this is the worst time this could have happened. Thanks again Jesus! Good thing I have a 401(k) because I need to borrow money from myself now. Damn...

FOOTBALL

Yes, I won the first week of the football pool two years in a row! That basically means I play for free for the second year in a row. I'd like to thank Philadelphia for playing like crap last night, it really meant a lot to me. Funniest thing about the football pool is that I am one of those guys who knows next to nothing about sports. I'm lost when it comes to most sports. I do know a little about football though. It also gives me some kind of sadistic pleasure knowing I've won the football pool three times on one year and don't read sports, live sports, or hardly watch sports. There are guys at work who do nothing but talk sports and statistics and I'm consistently picking teams better than they are. I correctly picked 11 games out of 15, it's luck and intuition nothing more. So thanks for the $43 this week guys, and gals, I'm in first place off the bat again second year in a row! I'll stop gloating now.

911

Two more days and it's 9/11 again already. I'm glad I'm off from work this year and will be home by myself most of the day because I didn't expect to be as depressed as I was last year. I'm not an emotional person that often but there is just something about two years ago that really got a hold of me. We had a group in house of about 500 or more people for this computer technology convention and they had two giant screens set up at the front of the ballroom, one in each corner. It was hard enough getting Brandon to the baby sitter and Miranda to school then driving all the way to work knowing what had just happened, but standing in that room for the next four hours watching the footage and the news on those huge screens was just as surreal as it gets. Many of the people at that convention were from New York and quite a few of them either worked at the twin towers or knew someone who did. Everyone was devastated, and many were crying. So last year I didn't expect to be emotional or anything but it was all over the news again and it was all I could to to keep from crying. I had the same sick empty feeling in my stomach that I had the previous year. The same sick empty feeling I got when that guy got decapitated in front of us in traffic last year on the way to see that wonderful new Disney movie Snow Dogs. The same sick feeling I get every time something incredibly tragic happens. I'm really not looking forward to Thursday at all.

ROCK ON WARREN ZEVON!

Reuters | Click here

CAR TROUBLE

I'm so angry I could piss nails. I just spent the last hour and a half trying to get home. On the way home tonight my car decided to play dead. It's got to be electrical because the lights went dim, then no power. So I was going to try and thumb it into the city but being on the upscale side of town nobody wanted to stop and give me a ride. Remember, this is outside of town in the foothills and it's pitch black out there at night because there are no street lights. I started walking, thumb stuck out at some feeble attempt to attract attention (don't try this at home kids, it doesn't work) when after about half a mile later I gave up and approached someone's home and rang the door bell. Let me tell you something, these people were the nicest most genuine people I've met in a long time. I'm not just saying that because they helped me, they were super nice, all smiles, talked about the Resort because they saw the logo on my shirt, and offered help without looking bothered. They lent me their phone to call Josie then gave me a flash light and a ride back to my car to wait for her. Josie wasn't too thrilled about what had transpired so I told her to blame Jesus, because all things work to glorify him and complete his will. Yeah, whatever. So I returned the flashlight and made it safely back home.

SO IT WAS...

Tom is going to pick Josie up and give her a ride to work in the morning so that I can have a car. Tom's good people. Tom sounds a bit like a disgruntled and yet semi-retarded Jimmy Stuart. I'm not kidding, that's just how he sounds. I remember the first day I worked with him and the rest of the crew about eleven years ago. Everyone was doing that Jimmy Stuart voice, mocking the way Tom speaks but I didn't know, I just thought it was some new "in" thing that the general herd did to amuse themselves. So here I am talking back that way to Tom, thinking he too was in on the fun and games but not realizing that it was mockery. It wasn't until I did this again in front of Tom and a host of others that I was pulled aside and let in on the dark secret. Poor Tom. Tom slowly drove me insane for the next couple of years until I changed positions at work and started working the food service side of banquets. I also have to tell you about his signature move! To do it just do the voice saying, "So it was," while you make your hand like your hitching a ride (common theme tonight,) invert the thumb and jab your thumb into your ribs just under your armpit. He does this a lot, who knows why. It's like a nervous habit. Anyway, he's a good guy. God I'm still angry!

GUESS WHO DIDN'T COME BACK

Little miss "I need help so bad could you help me, I'm desperate!" didn't show up with my $20. Bitch! Someone needs hexed!! I'm never going to help anyone again in such a situation. I'm a sucker, plain and simple.

I'M A SUCKER

I'm a sucker. No, really I'm a sucker. Last night while we were eating the doorbell rang. I answered and there is this fairly attractive blond lady in her mid 20's standing there. She seemed a bit frantic and started telling me about how she was out of money and her kid was sick and she didn't have money for her medication. She told me she is a dancer at 10's (local strip club) an she hasn't worked in over a week due to sick kids. She promised she would pay me back if I lent her $20. Now seeing that I wasn't thinking straight I gave her the twenty, because I'm human and would hate to be stuck in the same situation. If I had been thinking I would have taken her to get the medication and just pay for it there. Here's the kicker, this is why I'm pretty sure I got fisted without any Vaseline. After I gave her the money I saw her walk down a bit where she met up with two extremely drugged out looking people. One was her sister, you could just tell by looking, the other was a black guy who I'm assuming is the brother-in-law she had mentioned to me. The girl who knocked on my door had a hint of white trash while the sister was totally marinated in it. They took off and I felt like following to get a license plate number, but didn't. I highly doubt that she will be stopping by to pay me back tonight. Josie wasn't to happy about it either. I think I'm just going to have to stick to my policy of being kind only to those who I see fit, those who truly deserve it. I'm not a Christian and have no need or the desire to be kind to everyone. Being a nice guy only leaves you holding your dick in the wind while meth addicts take your money and run. Hoo-hoo-hoo, go on take the money and run....

MONEY AND FILLING YOUR VESSEL

Worked a cocktail party with James tonight which could simply be the easiest function I've ever worked. We had potato chips, pretzels, party mix, and nuts to put out for around sixty people. That's it. We spent a lot of time talking about his latest trip to Thailand, religion, and current events. James is cool people, and he's not a mindless idiot like some of the people I work with. At the end of the evening he comes over to me and holds up a wad of cash and starts thumbing through it like he's going to pay for something, I notice a bunch of $100 bills and I'm sure I made some stupid remark about what he was going to to with all that cash. He tells me he found it on the floor. I asked if he was pulling my leg and he insisted that he just found it. There must have been over $500 worth of cash in this money clip. So, he handed it to the guy who seemed to be hosting the party and he ran after the guy who it belonged to. Now if it was my money and I dropped that much cash on the ground and you found it and brought it back to me I think I'd be tipping you a minimum of $20! That didn't happen though. So we finished up work and went over to catch the last of the football game with Dennis at his house. ShamBam was there and I guess we had just missed Joe R. by about five minutes. Game ended and James had to get going. We turned on the public access cable channel and started watching a closeted gay guy talking about how great Jesus is. I'm not kidding! The background was even decorated to achieve maximum gayness. This guy kept talking about how he was a vessel and god was filling his vessel everyday. He went on and on about how god could fill your vessel too if you would only let him. I started to think it was a skit at one point, but it wasn't. Calling this guy redundant would be an understatement. I take it that god's filling a lot of vessels these days. Then he started talking about the flesh. Oh the dreaded flesh! The sins of the flesh, more filling, dirty thoughts, more filling, if you can only resist, filling, impure worldly thoughts, filling, filling, filling. Damn dude, go out and get yourself some hot little stud boy and do your own filling. It's too bad Dennis quit drinking five years ago becuase there was a drinking game involved in this, you simply take a swig every time he says filling. So my advice to this young lad who was blathering away tonight on public access is the following. Stop with the lisp and flailing your hands and wrists in that manner, it's not a strong selling point. Quit worrying about the sins of the flesh and the impure thoughts, just go with it. We came to the conclusion that your repressing your true feelings, it's more than obvious. Take a deep breath and go with it, it will be okay.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

This mornings dream was a bit weird. I dreamt I was at the park in Burwell Nebraska up where the small dam is just above the parks pond. Some kind of ritual was going on involving either government people or upper management from work. In the ritual about eight or ten people are standing in a line, all with their arms around each other. They descend into the water walking backwards then float out into the small reservoir. Next I'm over by the river where the spill way from the dam is and I'm hoping nobody is stupid enough to try and swim through it. Back in the late 70's some people had tried to take their canoes through it and some people almost drowned. So back to the dream. I'm watching the spill way and a body floats through. The body makes it past the spillway and floats to the edge of the river where I jump in a pull it onto the bank. It's still warm but I can find no pulse. The body is of a rather large male, very muscular. The guy wakes up and asks what happened, I tell him and he thanks me for saving his life. Seems as if he is really drunk, he told me he had just passed out near the damn. Things kind of go into weird dream mode and I'm near the same spot where this girl is spray painting something on a billboard. It's some kind of gang symbol that she is painting over, signifying that a murder wasn't successful. Seems his girlfriend had tried to whack him by pushing his drunk ass into the water. The next think I see is this small gang in a 70's Chevey convertible with the top down. They are on the dirt road between the ballpark and the park near the kids play area. The guy I pulled from the river is now intoxicated beyond all belief and is suicidal. As they take off he throws his arms in the air like he is on a roller coaster or at some kind of religious sermon doing the whole take me Jesus thing. That's when I woke up.

MURDERING MURDERERS WHO
MURDER MURDERERS

Gonna smile, I'm gonna laugh
they're gonna want my autograph
And in a moment of passion
get the glory like Charles Manson
You gotta go go go go goodbye
Glad to see you go go go go goodbye
Goodbye
From the Ramones song "Glad To See You Go"

Looks like Paul Hill won't be murdering anymore people. Funny how he thought "god" approved of his behavior. I guess he's just emulating his own god's behavior. Of course he knew god's mind, and god told him to do it so that frees him of any personal responsibility. It's not like he hurt anyone else when he killed two people. I'm amazed at how many people have fooled themselves into thinking they have gained favor with god. They know what god wants, they are free from guilt because they are god's favorites and give little thought to other peoples rights or beliefs. My beliefs are trodden upon everyday by the so called oppressed religious right and they don't think twice about it or blink a lash. They wish a nasty fiery hell upon me not just for a little while, but for all eternity. Man, isn't that love? Try being an Atheist in public for one day and then you can come back and cry on my shoulder. Anyway, like it or not Paul is gone for good, and the world is a better place today because there is one less idiot roaming the streets, or sucking up valuable tax dollars.

MIX IT

Made this tonight. Don't know how long it will be up so grab it while you can. This is for Melly and Yvonne.

MELLY MIX

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I just woke up a couple of minutes ago from an extremely long, bizarre, and drawn out dream so excuse me if this is a bit random or mistyped. I can't even see straight yet but thought I'd better type this out before I forget. The first part of the dream I was in Burwell Nebraska traveling to Ord Nebraska to play the golf course there. I was talking to someone, I think my brother, about the changes they had made to the course, especially the first hole tee area. This happened in reality, saw it when we went on vacation this year. Next thing I know I'm back on the road headed to Ord again to play golf. I think my dad paid in advance and it was almost like a chore I had to do. I think there was a conversation with me telling him I was only playing nine holes and nothing more. I get there and tee off. Next thing I know I'm down on the fairway and it's late at night. There seems to be an outdoor theater set up or some kind of party going on outside on the dark fairway. A cute brunette in a sun dress and denim vest picks up my ball and shows it to me. I hit the ball again and I'm on the green. The dream becomes kind of obscure at this point and I'm trying to putt but the green keeps changing into weird shapes, almost Dr. Seuss like shapes. Just one of those weird dream sequences. I was with Josie I think. At some point in the dream before this point I was going to skip playing golf and go get a chocolate shake at Dairy Queen. It was a long jumbled dream and I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight. So I played hole one and next thing I know I'm in a golf cart near hole seven with an older lady who I believe is Bea Arthur. It gets jumbled up pretty bad at this point and I'm in the backyard of someone's home. I think it's Phillis Diller's home but I'm not sure. I remember being inside by a fireplace sitting in front of it. It's in a corner and kind of round shaped. There is a lazy susan inside the fireplace with three or four tiers. On it is very rich cocktail foods like Chicken Wellington with a white sauce and some kind of German apple puff pastry. There is all kinds of rich food on this tray but can't remember what they were. Then I'm at a wooden table with about eight older ladies, some kind of high society breakfast tea party where everyone is in their pajamas. I'm cracking jokes and entertaining the masses while we eat and play cards. One of the ladies is either Bea Arthur or Phillis Diller. Dream shifts again and I'm entering the same house with some girl who is my sister (I have no sister in real life) and it seems like there is a huge party going on. We get inside and realize it's not a huge party, it's only a fan or the t.v. making this huge noise that sounds like a crowd of people, but weird noises are coming from upstairs. Upon further investigation we go up the stairs and find out it's Jeffery Tambor the actor from The Ropers t.v. sitcom (the guy with the bald head), who is my dad, dressed up in bondage attire with a woman who is tied up. I believe she  is supposed to be my mother. That part of the dream ends. I'm back at the clubhouse where the golf course is and I'm behind the counter helping myself to things. Three teenage boys who work there walk in. It's no concern to them and we're talking about the Ord football team. I'm pouring myself a Sprite or something to drink. Dream shifts again and I'm at a fast food joint that looks like a McDonnalds. It's actually a pizza place and I've ordered a Hawaiian pizza which is ham and pineapple pizza in the dream, and a pepperoni pizza. The kid who takes my order is kind of confused about the order. I'm waiting for a long time and then my order is up. The bill is $20.00 and I pay it. The guy that brings the pizza is the owner who seems to know me and thanks me for being a regular customer and presents me with one pizza. I open it up and it's the pepperoni pizza, but then I ask where the other pizza is. They look on the chit to see what I had ordered and then look to see where the second pizza is but to no avail. I then find out that I have only been charged for one medium pizza with a  $10.00 gratuity added on to it. I can feel the anger roiling inside me and heads are going to roll! This is where I woke up, walked in here, then started typing this all out. Fucking bizarre.

AAAHOO! WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!

What in the hell is this? It was only yesterday I was dancing around in my basement bedroom listening to The Jackson Five on my eight-track tape player, pretending like I was Michael Jackson. Well, times have changed. If I were to go around acting like Michael Jackson today I would be arrested on the spot! Holy fuck dude, what went wrong? First your the cute pre-teen pop star dancing around and charming the masses with your brothers and then slowly transforms into the shy teenager singing hits like "Ben". Next your singing hits like "Can't Stop Till You Get Enough" and skyrocket into super stardom with the best selling record of all time. The descent is less than palatable when you started hanging out with toddlers and chimps, but the real kicker is the mutilation of your face. Goddamn man, what the fuck happened to you? What kind of trauma could you have suffered to throw you into the dark abyss of what ever the fuck it is your doing? Few things scare me but you my friend not only scare me, you frighten the shit out of me. The deep end buddy, that's where you are! You went off the deep end. Good thing you have money because any average psycho would have been institutionalized years ago. Oh, by the way, happy 45th birthday freako!

THE WEDDING

It started off on a rocky road the night before. Josie has a ton of siblings, a small family of 13 kids including her, and a couple of her sisters were over here criticizing everything during the rehearsal. Feelings were hurt and I made the statement that I wouldn't allow anything like that to happen the night of the wedding. I expected shit to hit the fan but everything went smooth after that. I'm sure word of that got around because the one sister notorious for starting trouble, the one who called and apologized to Josie never even showed up. The other two sisters showed up at the wedding, tried to start shit with several different people but were completely ignored. After acting like spoiled children that had been disciplined, standing at the back pouting, they finally just kind of slipped off and went home without anyone noticing. One of these sisters isn't even talking to her son. He showed up with his wife and little girl and Josie's sister went inside and sat at our dining room table until they left. You want to talk about drama queens! Mostly everyone left by 10:00 p.m. while the rest of us diehards sat under the stars drinking beer and listening to classic 70's rock n' roll. We were all pretty shitty drunk by midnight and called it a night around 1:00 a.m. I would say it was a success! The food was awesome, thanks to the ladies at Mama Lama's, and everyone was well behaved for the most part. I'm surprised none the less.

IT'S A WEDDING

Oy Vey! There is going to be a wedding taking place in my back yard tomorrow night, reception dinner and all. It's not like I don't work at least one of these types of functions a week, feeding hundreds of people, cutting wedding cake, being doused with horribly overplayed songs like "Celebration" and "The Electric Slide," but to have it happen in your own back yard without any say in how it's going to be run is another thing. My Nephew and his fiancée are just starting out and didn't have the money to put on a real nice wedding in a extremely nice place. Seeing that I have a huge back yard that is pleasantly landscaped with a view of the mountains they thought it would be a great idea to have their wedding and reception in my back yard. So Josie told them yes. So the first step was to have the yard freshly taken care of so that it would look real nice for tomorrow, and Luis (Josie's brother) volunteered to do that this morning but he never showed up. Later on my Nephew and his parents are coming over to set some stuff up. It's monsoon season and it looks like rain, not sure that is going to work very well. I just hope this thing goes well, I have a weird feeling about all of this. [phone rings] It's Josie's brother, he's on his way over.

FAMILY FEUD

Josie and her sister have not been speaking for months now. Her sister is a liar and a thief. I've helped her out when she was down and out and she repaid me by stealing from us. Last time Josie spoke to her, her sister went off on a tangent about how we think we are so rich and have it all. Well, were not poor but we are not real rich either. I guess if your living on food stamps Josie and I might look like were really rich. Anyway, she flew off the handle and slammed the phone on Josie then never spoke to her again. After that she went around spreading lies about Josie and I telling people in her family that we had been saying awful things about them. She was doing this a week ago and got caught in the lie because she told one of Josie's sisters that Josie had said something awful about her. Her sister said, "That is kind of odd seeing that Josie hasn't spoken to you in about three months." As the story goes her sister is now sorry she has done all of this and called to apologize to Jose. What it really amounts to is that she wants to attend the wedding and the only way she can be here is if she apologizes to Josie. I still don't want here here because I know it's not a heart felt apology but more of a convenient way to attend a wedding she would otherwise had to have missed. The sad thing is that this will start all over again as soon as Josie has nothing to offer her and Josie's feelings will get smashed again, just like it has dozens of times before. It's and endless loop of stupidity. I'm told she is going to approach me with an apology and when she does I'm going to let her have it. I'm going to tell her like it is. Ladies. start your engines!

NOT MUCH TO SAY TODAY

I scrapped what I wrote earlier today just because I have a tendency to ramble on and on. What I had written was very much in defense of gay people and their rights as human beings. Where I started to ramble was the religious aspect of the whole thing and how the religious view them as abominations and so forth. Well, I will spare you all from that rant, already deleted it. I'm pretty anti-religion and I'm sure you know that if you read this page very often. I'm curious to know what people think of this blog. Please, leave a comment today and let me know what you love or hate about this blog. Hell, just comment in general, what you think would be more interesting here or less interesting here. Or if you feel moved, just plainly type FUCK YOU.

MONSOON SEASON

I had about a three hour break between shifts today and decided it would be a good idea to take some of the stuff I checked out a week ago at the library back so that I could check out even more stuff. I spent time looking at some C.D.s I wanted to check out and an then an hour on the internet reading blogs and news. I was finished a couple of hours later and walked out to the parking lot and noticed this huge black cloud moving in pretty damn fast and thought, I better get in my car and get to work before that bad boy decides to break loose. Well, I didn't listen to that voice and decided to pick up a few items at Walgreen's that I needed,  which was some CDRs, a Pepsi, and a candy bar (lunch). Bad idea! Or maybe it wasn't. Either way that cloud burst, literally! I was paying for my stuff via my debit card but it wouldn't ring through because the cloud was so dense they couldn't finish the transaction via satellite so I had to charge it. Then all hell broke loose! I have only seen it rain this hard a couple of times and at one point we had one of those micro bursts hit down directly on the store I was in. The wind was blowing so hard that the rain was flying horizontally. About five or six trees uprooted and fell over, one on a new SUV, and a fence across the street blew over. The wind must have been blowing at least 75 miles an hour or harder. One lady pulled in to get out of the rain. She got caught in that micro burst and it flung something into her windshield and broke it. She and her boy were pretty frightened. So as it goes, my windshield wipers are toast and are not working, it's raining like hell and I have to go back to work. I even waited it out for about half an hour but it just kept raining. So, I decided to get going anyway because I didn't want to be late for work. I spent  long time slowly moving up Craycroft St. hardly able to see, but slow because traffic was moving real slow. Due to flash flooding I had to turn around and go a different way. Things looked pretty bad, lots of flash flooding and cars off the road, cops everywhere trying to handle the chaos. I've never been so scared driving before in my entire life! I was only six minutes late for work. So thinking back it may have been best that I wasn't on the road when that monster of a storm broke loose. One of those cars I saw washed off or wrecked on the side of the road could have been mine. Thank you Pepsi for addicting me do your product and keeping me safe at Walgreen's drinking your caramel colored nectar and eating candy while Satan, lord of the air saw fit to pulverize the foothills of Tucson with wind, rain, thunder, and general chaos.

WHORE

Flipping through the channels to get to the news this morning I stopped on the Maury Povich show. They had women present that had been on previous shows where they tried to find out who the father of their babies were. Some of these women had been on three or four times, and had up to six or seven guys take DNA tests to see if they were the father. I only watched long enough to see two of these people get proven wrong again. Now I don't care if your a guy or a girl, but if your fucking so many people that you don't know who got you pregnant or diseased, then chances are your a whore. That goes for guys and girls. I get horny now and then folks, but really! Maybe I'm below average, but I can count the people I've had sex with on one hand. You also always have the option of using a condom if your that horned up. Oh, by the way, going on Maury Povich isn't making you look any better.

JASON VS. FREDDY

Not an Oscar winner by any means that's for sure. There was plenty of blood to satisfy ones urge to see naughty teenagers getting what they had coming. Kelly Rolands was in it but she never got naked, damn! She looked good anyway, she always looks good. Could have been better, and could have been a whole lot worse so I won't complain about it being too bad. Smart move was buying sodas at the food court and taking them to the movie. They allow that at the mall so I saved about $5 getting them at McDonalds instead of the concession stand. Popcorn was still $5.50 though.

THIRD TIMES A CHARM

On the way to pick Miranda up from school I turned on the radio. "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith was on. I really don't care for that song so I changed the radio to another rock station. "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith was on. Aerosmith is o.k. but I've only heard this song a million times and wasn't in the mood to hear it again. The thought crossed my mind, change it to the nu rock grunge station, there won't be any Aerosmith on that channel. I was wrong! "Walk This Way" by Run D.M.C. and Aerosmith was playing. I took this as an omen and shut the radio off. What are the odds?

Luke 11

14 And he was casting out a devil, and it was dumb. And it came to pass, when the devil was gone out, the dumb spake; and the people wondered.

I'm wondering just how fucking dumb you have to be to attend a church like The Temple Church of Apostolic Faith. Anybody see this in the news today? The members of this church killed an eight year old autistic boy while trying to cast the devil out of him. His mother was one of the people holding him down to boot. The pastor of the church is saying god called the boy home. A witness saw church members beating the boy at a prayer meeting, and this church has been investigated on beating charges before. See, this isn't chicken and egg games like someone commented a few days ago. This is ignorance and superstition. The ten commandments in Alabama, the priest in prison, and now this little boy. Chalk them all up for Jesus!

SUNDAY, THE DAY OF THE DEAD

Joe's day today? Sloth, plain and simple! I didn't do jack today, other than going to get groceries, if you want to call junk food groceries. I went to bed early last night (unheard of) and even took a three hour nap today. Watched a lot of t.v. and read other peoples blogs. Brandon behaved pretty good today so it was relatively quiet. He even went to bed tonight without incident. Josie isn't feeling well, even though she felt good enough to... well you know. So she was subdued and quiet today as well. Dennis called me for one of his therapeutic talks. I swear to god that guy should pay me as his psychiatrist. He would rant for about 10 minutes then aske me if I though he was overreacting to situations at work, I would say yes then he would justify why he was overreacting, rant some more and then ask again if I though he was overreacting. It was an endless loop of banter that went absolutely nowhere. The guy is hopeless and needs to get laid more than any individual I know on earth. I hear that hot little Mexican chick that works in the Bistro is fucking anything and everything, maybe he could ride that train. Nah, he'd be too afraid. Me, if I were a single guy? Oh boy, I don't need to get all worked up speculating. The kids go to school tomorrow, and Josie works so I'm going to try and catch a flick at the mall. Yes, I'm a sucker for Horror so it will probably be Freddy Vs. Jason. Lame, I know. Then again, I could just skip that and go buy the Omega Code on DVD. You know what movie that is, it's that end of the world movie put out by the plastic good folks over at Trinity Broadcasting Network, the satellite network for Jesus. Talk about pasty white people! I get a good laugh watching Benny Hinn slapping the shit out of people in the name of Jesus to rid them of their ailments. That and Bob Larsen casting the devil out of third rate actors with no fashion sense. Jesus needs new spokes persons. If I were god, I would have hot Asian chicks representing me. I wouldn't smite anybody, cause any plagues, or even threaten people. If I were all powerful, I would be just that. Fuck that adversary bit, the whole good vs. evil soap opera. O.k. I'm blathering once again. I'm going to bed now, wish me luck! Think I'll sleep good, it's nice and cool out for a change.

CLEANING DAY

I've mentioned before that Josie is a clean freak. It's better than being a Jesus freak, but anyway she and her sister Merlin deep clean our house every other week like most people wish they could clean once a year. So what does that add up to? Me staying the hell out of the way! It's me and the dogs back here in the computer room, me drinking Pepsi and listening to 80's music avoiding any anger that can be tossed my way. Josie gets frisky when she is in cleaning mode and it doesn't take much to set her off. I'm supposed to be at work right now but I gave my lunch shift to someone who got canceled from theirs and wasn't told about it. I worked breakfast so I was more than happy to kick that bastard away. So it's the weekend off, anyone in Tucson want to go have drinks? Seriously, let's go to the Cowpony tomorrow night and sing Karaokee!

IMAGES IN VOGUE

I asked if anyone missed having the images on the page and I got a couple of e-mails and a comment on this blog page so I will keep them. I think it kind of adds a little flair to the page anyway. I need those guys on Queer Eyed for the Straight Guy to come and make the page over.

DEAD CAT

One of the cats that's been dropping off the tree next to our house and on to our roof (scaring the shit out of me!) got hit by a car two days ago. Someone picked it up and put it on the side of the road right next to the curb, dead as all get out (Midwest redneck term). Anyway, I was going to be a good guy and bury it out back in the ally but seeing how hot Tucson gets and it got real hot before I woke up, the poor cat started to decompose to the point where it's bodily fluids were seeping out and running down the curb. I was utterly grossed out and decided that fate killed that motherfucker, and fate can bury that bitch. Serves the cat right for crossing a street where cars are constantly speeding, and it serves him right for scaring the shit out of me during a scary movie about two months ago. The worm that dieth not has him now. That's maggots for the scripturally challenged. You big sillies and your obsession with death and hell. Speaking of hell, John Geoghan the kiddy diddler Catholic Priest just got whacked in prison. His holiness is dead. Just goes to show you that even though your gods little favorite doesn't mean you can sodomize over a hundred little boys and get away with it. Fuck that piece of shit.

BLOG?

Josie just came in and saw me typing this out. I read it out loud and she made a weird face and said, "What are you going to do, tell them about my underwear if their dirty? Tell them I have manchas in my chones," which in spanglish translates into "Tell them I have stains in my underwear." That's my wife, god love her!

GIANT THONGS AND DRAG QUEENS

Surreal, that is what tonight was. We had an awards dinner for a medical food service association, or something close to that. Basically all the companies that produce foods and equipment used in hospital food service and so forth. So the whole room was draped with black curtains and special tables were rented that lit up a neon green color. In the corners of the room were these other drapes of some sort. What they looked like was the back end of a thong, only about 20 fee high. I kept stroking the one nearest our exit every time we exited the room. We had to exit during the performance being given by a troop of drag queens from Las Vegas. Seeing that I haven't slept well in over a week and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me I wasn't very interested in watching any of it.

MESS

I got home and the house is a mess. A sink full of dishes, Brandon sleepwalking like a zombie on crack, Miranda trying to explain why the house looked like it did when I told her last night I didn't want to see the house a mess when I got home from my fourth double in four days. Jesus Christ crackers and cheese, is it too much to ask just to have people pick up after themselves? I'm off tomorrow, and if you think I'm going to spend it cleaning a house that was cleaned two days ago by me between shifts while Will (friend from work) watched Star Wars, then you my friend are a fucking loon. Jesus, I feel baked.

EL TIGRE

My wife is funny. She is the only female that works in her department. It's weird enough that she works at the same place that I do, but it's even funnier when she has been talking about me and it gets back to me. So what happened today is that Josie was talking smack with the guys, in true male fashion. A female co-worker and friend of mine happened to be walking by and overheard the conversation and relayed it back to me. So what was being said you may ask? Well, it seems Josie was telling the guys that she gets it anytime she wants it and as often as she wants it. She was making me out to be a real Don Juan from what I understand. So in reality, Josie was just talking smack with the guys. I know for sure that I don't get it as often as I want it, and I sure as hell don't get it whenever I want it. Of course I didn't tell the ladies at work this. All of a sudden I have a reputation at work with some of the ladies, and I was blushing. They were calling me EL TIGRE all morning. Oy Vey!

LIBRARY

I'm at the Library typing this out so I may add more later on.

FROM THE COMMENT BOX ON ANOTHER BLOG

ME: Yes, even salvation comes with a price tag on it. Don't feel bad about being misanthropic, it's part of being human. I don't feel so smothered as I once did because I cast my religious beliefs aside and started to live my life for myself instead of some ungrateful god, thus I was able to shed the guilt and fear, plus it makes it a whole lot easier being a misanthrope.

R. Bartlett: Joe: who's you to distinguish between an ungrateful god and an ungrateful sinner?

ME: Mr. Bartlett if your an ungrateful sinner, that's your business. You can keep your ungrateful god, I'm dong fine without him.

NOT MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, BUT FUCK IT!

Worked all day, I'm beat. Insomnia is a bitch who licks my testicles from beyond the black mountain. I feel fucking crazed, like a spooked guinea pig in a fish tank. I can smell the piss and the phone is ringing. The phone is ringing. Ringing, but I'm not home to pick it up. CHECK PLEASE!!!!

WILD AND CRAZY DAY

Today was just plain fucking weird. Every year we have this big wine tasting event where the ballroom is filled from one end to the other with booths giving out free samples of wine and just about any other type of booze you can think of. Our ballroom is the size of a football field, and that is a shitload of booze. This event is set up for Tucson businesses by local distributors so that they can show off their product, old and new. There's food as well, that was my job, keeping the hor'dourves looking fresh and all. Anyway, there are spit buckets everywhere so that you can taste a little here and there without drinking a ton. Some people don't get this concept and drink way too much then end up shitty as hell. So, the first exciting event of the night was the lady with her head parked behind one of the ballroom doors barfing her brains out. Cheese and wine isn't so appetizing when it's in reverse. Jesus lady, the bathroom was only 20 feet away, what the fuck? Next, I went downstairs on some unrelated business and who did I bump into on the way down? None other than Pat Benatar! She didn't have makeup on and was totally dressed up like a tourist, hat and all. Pat looked a lot older than I expected she would. Think she's playing in concert tomorrow night at Old Tucson. So a little while later as things were winding down Rural Metro showed up with one of their ambulances for a medical emergency. Not sure what was wrong with the lady they had on the stretcher but they whisked her away pretty quickly. The husband was so drunk that he couldn't stand without someone holding him up. Foster Brooks didn't have shit on this guy, he was toast and then some. Resort management and his friends took his keys away from him but only after pleading with him for over a half an hour and then wheeled him out to a friends car via a wheel chair. The whole time he was mumbling about how he was o.k. to drive and he was going to kill somebody. The song "Party Gone Out Of Bounds" by The B52s bounced around in my head for a while after witnessing that. Alas, the function came to a end and we had a mess from hell to clean up. I swear to god that we poured at least $50,000 (if not more) worth of alcohol down the drain, no lie. It's against Arizona State law to remove opened bottles of alcohol from the premises so it had to be thrown out. I'm tempted to drink a beer and go to bed now.

One last thing! I removed a lot of the images from this page for faster downloading time. If you liked the images, post a comment, otherwise I will no longer add them so that this page can load faster.

PROMISES

Josie crawled into bed this morning and was teasing the hell out of me. She said she was all horned up but we couldn't do anything because Miranda's cousin Pricilla was staying over. Then she told me that tonight I would get lucky. Whatever! For me that is the kiss of no sex death. I to this date, in all my years being married to Josie, have never gotten ANY after being promised it would happen at a certain place or time. NEVER! It's a sick joke and I have no idea what the punchline is supposed to be. Element of surprise maybe?

BAD BOYS

A cop pulled up to the neighbors house today. Bill and the cop stood there for quite a long time, they chatted an Bill pointed, waved his hands and was extremely animated. Bill is from New York and is totally a stereotype. He's loud, obnoxious, but an all around great guy. Wonder what that was all about. It's been a quiet neighborhood for the past month since the only people renting on this street (drug pushers) got kicked out.

JOB

For the first time in years I want to quit my job and find something new. Our resort is going to hell because of the economy and new management. Get a clue you stupid corporate fucks! Why do you think our team is the highest rated in the USA out of all of the Westin brand? Because we know what were doing, that's why. So go ahead and fuck it all up, change it all around, make our product look like shit and watch your numbers and revenue plummet. Stupid fuckers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"No God ever gave any man anything, nor ever answered any prayer at any time, nor ever will."

-- Madalyn Murray O'Hair

Great words of wisdom! Wouldn't it be nice if some fairy tail being came and granted wishes and all of that? The truth is that there never has been any such being nor will there ever be. I've never seen any shred of evidence to support any real gods existence. So to all my Christian friends (yes, they are still my friends) keep on dreaming. But Joe, aren't you a Satanist? Don't you worship fast food the devil? Yes, someone really asked me that. The answer? Uh, no. Guess you've never listened to anything I've said. I don't believe in your devil anymore than I do your god. Yes, I call myself a pagan but I'm not Wiccan or a witch. My belief system is pagan, and I'm a hedonist. I don't subscribe to Satanism (the La Vey brand, not inverted Christianity) because of it's ritualistic and narcissistic nature, but I do share many of the same ideas. I do not subscribe to any religious belief system, period. I'm a human first and last.

DEATH AND THE FOOL

Added a new blog to the roll today. Sister Mary Karen is the blog of an ex-Catholic going through the change. I went through it too, not from Catholicism but from Christianity in general. It's very much death and the fool from the tarot. Doesn't mean anyone is going to die (you've been watching too many movies!) or that your an idiot, but rather the end of a cycle and the start of a new journey. I can honestly say that I tried to justify the existence of god for a very long time, even though in my heart I knew I just didn't buy it. I think it's the ingraining from my parents that resisted the most. So what are the positive things that breaking free bestowed upon me? Well, I don't get anxiety attacks anymore because I'm no longer overwhelmed with what Jesus might think of my sorry ass. I have about .000000009% of the guilt. I'm not afraid of burning for ever. What kind of sick fuck burns people for ever, honestly!?! I'm no longer distracted with delusions of grandeur, or feel sorry for people who are not saved. I love being a Pagan! I love the Left Hand Path, now if I could only go back to being fresh out of high school minus the Christian hang-ups! Do you have any idea how many hot chicks wanted to party with me back then but I couldn't because Jesus wouldn't let me. Oh, silly little Christian me...

PRESIDENT

G.W. was in Tucson a couple of days ago to view the damage done by the Aspen fire on Mt. Lemmon. He arrived at the Air Force base and then took a helicopter to the mountain. The path from the base to the mountain goes right over my house, so I got to see the helicopter fly over. Big whoop. Props to the guy who broke through the barricade and got shot to death. Not a good idea to drink and drive.

OVERJOYED

School starts tomorrow! Praise Jesus, or Hern, or whatever god it is that you subscribe to!!! I'm going to enjoy the request free days (or is it daze) and bask in the quietness of it all. I love my kids but it's time to go back to school now.

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DREAM WEIRDNESS

Oh my! That was just plain weird. I'm dreaming that I'm on vacation and I'm at a resort trying to check in but people keep cutting in line right in front of me. There is a tank convention going on. People are talking about tanks, there is a huge tank out on the lawn for display, a lady is talking about the film about tanks is just about to start and she needs to get going. All I can do is think about how rude people are, I go to our room and get simi-situated and start talking about who knows what while Josie is flipping through channels on t.v. and happens upon a porn channel. She just keeps flipping through channels and I go back to see if I can get checked in this time (lord only knows how I got keys to the room). I get to the desk and people are cutting in front of me again, I protest and make my way to the front of the line where they start checking me in. Several packages are waiting for me along with a letter from the car rental agency. The letter is urgent, saying I have to return the car to Houston Texas right away because I violated the rental agreement. Why Texas? I feel panicked all of a sudden. Then there is a package and a huge stack of papers with some official seal on them. Typed on the package wrapper is ARIZONA:PERVERT. Brandon woke me up at this very moment asking for a glass of milk. Who knows what the fuck that was about or were it was going. I can tell it's going to be a weird day.

Wal-Mart PHONE CALL

As we were strolling into Wal-Mart last night we passed by a line of pay phones. One of them was ringing so I picked it up. I always pick up ringing pay phones because it's generally fun to fuck with the people on the other end. They guy on the other end had a heavy Chicano accent. So here is the conversation that ensued:

ME: Hello?

PHONE GUY: Yo man, where's Andrique? Has he got the shit? (sounds like: As EEE got dah sheet?)

ME: Ah yeah, he's got the shit!

PHONE GUY: How much es it going to cost, man?

ME: 25 cents

PHONE GUY: 25 cents? What the....?

ME: Yep, 25 cents.

PHONE GUY: Fuck, put Andrique on the phone!

ME: It's 25 cents, Andrique doesn't want to talk to your lame ass anyway.

PHONE GUY: Fuck you! What kind of cheap ass shit are you trying to sell, 25 cents...

ME: It's the best cheap ass shit you can by for that price, take it or leave it.

PHONE GUY: Aw fuck, put Andrique on the phone!

I hand the phone to Brandon, who is five by the way. I whisper in his ear to say, odelay vato.

BRANDON: Odelay, vato...............(grimace) Dad, he hung up.....

THE STUPIDS, REBATE CHECKS, AND EATING OUT

Ah, plans ruined by the in-laws (the stupids) once again. We were going out to eat because I got my $760 worth in escrow back from Principle Financial, long story. Anyway, I got the money back, with a letter explaining why and all, and I'm back to where I needed to be for the summer. The resort business slows down to deaths pace during the summer and I don't make much money during this period so I have to be careful not to over spend. So, business will be picking back up in a few weeks and I'll be busy as hell making money again. So seeing I had my money back I told Josie and the kids that we would go out and eat wherever they wanted to go. Well, we couldn't just get going because her sister was going to come over and pick up the old gas stove we replaced around Christmas. Fine, it's been sitting in the garage for about eight months. So an hour passes buy and they haven't stopped by for the stove. Josie calls to see if they are coming for the stove. Yes, they will be right over. Another hour passes. I'm happy to be getting rid of the stove but our chances for going out and eating someplace nice is diminishing by every hour. Josie calls once again, they are just leaving. They live about ten minutes away from us but it takes them another half an hour to get to our place. It's now 7:30 p.m. and we get the stove loaded and sent off by 8:15 p.m. Fine, we still have a chance. We all get in the car, and Josie ends up in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. What is going on? Josie needs to get some things. Protest! Protest denied. Josie is one of those people who spends over an hour no matter where she's shopping. We are walking into Wal-Mart when I had an interesting phone call. We do manage to get out of Wal-Mart by 9:00 p.m. but it's too late to get into most places because they are closing by then. So we got burgers at Wendys. Yuck.

PAUL STANLEY AND GROCERY SHOPPING

O.k. you all know who Paul Stanley of Kiss is, right? Well, I didn't actually see him at the grocery store but I did see someone pushing a small Paul Stanley doll around the store today. This lady was pushing it around, it sitting in the seat just like a little kid, and she was talking to it too boot. You know how you can just tell someone is gone just by the look in their eye? She was over the fence! Hey Babe Ruth, I say you should take your medication next time before you go looking to buy lunch meat for your favorite white bread.

DAY 3

Those ladies from Phoenix are still at the resort. Those girls can eat! I'm not shittin' you either. The plan is this, 10 cookies on 1 plate for 10 people, pure and simple. No, I don't have any more Tabasco, you used it all! Yes, I see you waving at me from across the room, you and 50 other people, your not in my section and I can't help you. You said "No comiendo" which means not eating. If your not eating then why are you swatting at my hand when I'm picking up your empty plate? To the ladies to the south of my section, thanks for the nice complement. I'm impressed you remembered my name, I wasn't wearing my name tag today. To the perfect girl, stop it, I can't work and gawk at the same time.

BRANDON

I love him to death but he's pushing me the past two days. I think he's testing to see how far he can go before I lose it. Buddy, I'm just about there. God am I glad school starts in one more week! I can't even remember the last time I had half a day without someone yelling DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

LATINAS EN LA CASA

We had Chicanos Por La Causa at the resort tonight. It was a room full of about 250 Latina women here from Phoenix. You all know how I feel about Latinas, that is why I married one. Well, I understand some Spanish, enough to understand what is being said in a conversation if I'm paying attention and people are not talking to fast. Well, I was working my station with Will and Dane (we always get the biggest section to work) and we had about 70 people to serve. During service this one young lady from another table came over to say hi to the ladies at one of our tables. She was just drop dead perfect, and I had some sort of epiphany. I was just dumbstruck and my jaw must have hit the floor. What brought me back to reality was a couple of the ladies at the table were talking about me staring at this beautiful woman, in Spanish. On lady says, "Look, do you see him?" The other asks, "Who?" Lady one, "Him, the white guy, I think he likes her." So I woke up and walked away, caught my breath, and went back to work. I have the same group of women tomorrow for a lunch function, should be interesting. Speaking of work, they have increased our workload considerably and that means less down time. I'm fine with that to a degree but it's going to fuck things up on a regular basis and our product is going to look like shit in the long run. Fine, so be it. I'm going to complain about it to management every time something doesn't get done because they want to save a couple of bucks. Cheap fuckers.

FILTER FREE

Dennis is constantly telling me (and everybody else) that I have no filter. You know the one that kicks in and keeps you from saying or yelling things out at inopportune moments. Well, seeing I just spent an entire week in Nebraska I had a little anger pent up towards rednecks. So here I am standing at the lovely buffet we had set up for the group staying at the resort, The Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, and I'm babbling on about how this trip to Nebraska has amplified my dislike for rednecks. Well, this was a group of rednecks we were serving and Dennis basically told me to shut up before someone picked up one of the guns they were auctioning off and shot my silly ass. I did. This was a convention for hunters of elk, and they were calling themselves conservationists to boot. I took the first cut at work because when the auction started I nearly lost my mind. I've been to a million cattle and estate auctions in my life and this was by far one of the worst auctioneers I've ever heard. He sounded like Porky Pig on acid. I went home and went to bed.

HEY YOU!

This goes out the following people:

THE LADY ON THE CELL PHONE:

Watch where the fuck your going! I should have let you hit me in traffic yesterday. Your brand new SUV would have suffered a whole lot more than my shitty little KIA.

WAIF GIRL

Yes, I saw you smiling at me at the grocery store! Yes, I found you attractive. Yes, I love thin petite chicks, but Jesus Christ lady eat something! I've never seen anyone with such paper thin hips before. You intrigue and yet frighten me.

PHONE SALESPERSON

Learn the definition of the word no, you stupid fuck. If you had listened to me tell you no then I wouldn't have wasted so much of your time, putting down my phone, yelling at grandpa to get back in his cage. Yelling at grandpa to stop pissing himself. Yelling at grandpa, asking him if he knew how hard it was to get shit stains out of berber carpet. Next time someone starts doing this I would either hang up or call 911.

OLD HAG

Were you surprised that I openly mocked you in public? Shut up and listen to your grandchildren. If you had stopped bitching and listened to them you would have known what they were talking about. You are the archetype of old hags. I've never seen such an unpleasant and bitter person before. I think I had you down pretty good, even the accent was there. By the way, those people laughing at me doing an impression of you were not my friends, I didn't know them any more than you did but maybe you can now see how others perceive you. I hope you don't do this all of the time.

TORNADO

Had the recurring tornado dream last night. I was in Burwell Nebraska in front of Mr. Pipers house. He was my history teacher, and I hate that fucker. Anyway, I see tornadoes in the distance and I'm lecturing people on which tornadoes are dangerous. Well, there were about a dozen of these bitches whipping around and it finally dawns on me that I'm in danger. I seek shelter and the tornadoes all go away. I come out from where I was hiding and they start to come back. I end up hiding by the brick wall in front of where Katrina Crick (first girl I ever loved, I was 8) lived when I was in grade school. The wind tries to take me but the tornado lifts up back into this ominous looking storm cloud and I escape. This could be labeled as a nightmare because I was scared shitless when I woke up.

DARK VORTEX

While in Nebraska my brother, my mom, and I were talking about my weird fucking life. We talked about the guy on the bike who got hit by a car last year in front of me and lost his head. I pulled my car over and got out then started yelling at the guy who was speeding like a mad man and hit the crack smoking bicyclist. This guy would have only gotten a speeding ticket at most seeing that the guy on the bike was high as hell and rode into traffic. He would have only gotten a speeding ticket but it was too much for him to handle and he ran home and blew his head off. His poor buddy who had a head in his lap is scarred for life I'm sure. We then talked about the guy who sped past us a couple of months later with more than 60 cop cars chasing him (I shit you not!) down the street in his pickup. I was lucky I pulled over to let the plethora of cop cars go by because if I hadn't I would have witnessed him wrecking his truck just around the corner, getting out of the truck and then pointing his gun at said plethora, and then taking about 20 bullets. I think it was the two that hit him in the head that killed him. We also talked about my paranormal experience with this girl Laura I was starting to date back in the late 80's and how if it hadn't been for that happening I would have never dated Josie. We talked about some of the weird crap that happened to me when we were kids (I know I'm being vague but I don't want to come off as a total nut case) and how it freaked the hell out of my brother on a regular basis. He said I'm a magnet for this kind of shit and that I'm surrounded by some weird vortex. I would have to agree. If there weren't people around when the majority of this shit goes down I would have myself committed.