ORGAN DONORS

I worked one of the creepiest lunches I can ever remember. It was a simple lunch for about sixty but the room was packed with organs! No, not body parts but very expensive modern organs. Basically they were synthesizers incased with really nice wood and lots of flashing lights. These organ salesmen had a room full of elderly people who basically had one foot in the grave and were pressuring these old folk into buying one of their $50,000 organs, Yes, $50,000 for a bare bones organ! It was the way these guys operated and the way they looked that made it so creepy. Only way I can explain it is if you took Liberace and crossed him with a funeral director and a porn actor. The guys were just as greasy and slimy as they get. The way they were talking to some of these people was just awful! One salesman was being a total  asshole and talking down to this elderly gentleman who keep telling him that he couldn't afford this organ. The salesperson keep telling him, "Oh, don't give me that crap! Now come on, let's do this and get this thing done!" Other salesmen had a different approach, giving back rubs and doing everything but making out with some of these old ladies. I know old ladies need lovin too, but it was like a bad porn movie, acting and all. I actually went home and took a shower after all of this. I've never felt so violated after serving people lunch. Professional help may be required.

WORK ATE MY BALLS

Work has me by the balls right now, don't have time to type out a whole lot. Guests telling me shitting stories, working functions for the creepiest clients ever, more to come tomorrow or the next day. I'm beat, but it's great to be making some money.

NOW YAH DUN IT!

I think I've dun pissed of some people er sumpthin! Man, maybe it was all the talk about death that pissed people off. Or the anti-Jesus stuff you see here now and then. My hit's have been way down the past three days, but hey I write it as it happens. I never said I wasn't going to offend anyone. Well, happier days are here anyway. If I've done something utterly wrong, please comment about it in the comment box and we will see what we can do. It's not like I posted naked pictures of myself.

EATING

I've been eating out of control at work the past few days! Jesus! Eating is an understatement! What has happened is that we have had clients in the really know how to pick great food and that is all I have been around for the past few days. A group we had two nights ago had a dinner that was actually set reception style with lots of different stations. They had a shrimp, crab, and oyster bar (this is where I went overboard), carved pork tenderloin, a stir fry station, a pasta station where they were cooking up fresh shrimp, not to mention tons of great desserts (I never made it that far)! At the end of that evening the group moved on and went to a hospitality suit for drinks and a cheese board. We started breaking everything down as usual when the whole group leaves like that. Twenty minutes later, and about ten minutes from going home, the head meeting planner for the group walks in with two late arrivals and made us set the whole thing back up, just for two people. She couldn't just ask for us to go in the back where the food is kept and make up some plates, we had to set the whole thing back up. Bitch. The people we have now are all very nice. It's a Travel company based out of Omaha Nebraska and seeing I grew up in Burwell Nebraska (small nothing hick town) the people I work with have been pointing out to the guests that I grew up there. A good 75% of these people have never even heard of Burwell, but the ones that have all make a joke about rodeo or livestock. I think it was a wise decision moving to Tucson back in the 80's!

PERPETUAL PISSING PETS

I was just reading another blog where I mentioned the fact that two of my four dogs have engaged in this ongoing pissing contest. There is only one rule, you just keep pissing on things, no matter what. I think the more creative you become with pissing the more points you score. Well, Mr. Pepperton is kicking ass because he's taken to pissing on the other dogs. Poor Nala just sits there like some forgotten Benny Hill skit as Tiny just pisses away. Listen, you can hear the Benny Hill theme song even now. He even tried to piss on Brandon's leg the other day! What a little shit! But you got to love him, he's still the most loveable little guy in the world. I want to start pissing on people I don't like, imagine the reaction I would get! Nah, maybe not. The last thing I need is people mocking my penis as I urinate on them.

DEATH

Went to the viewing today of a friends wife. Turns out she died from blood clots forming in her legs then moving up to her brain, lungs, and heart. We only walked in long enough to pay our respects, and then went outside and talked to friends. Seeing the 13 year old son cry about sent me over the edge. Seeing Javier sitting there just totally out of it was hard too. I couldn't stand to be in there, I just didn't want to deal with it. Plus it was all family members that I don't know in there, everyone I knew was standing outside. The last funeral I was at was about three years ago when our neighbor died. Kathy had been sick for a long time but she never said what from. She and her husband were Christians so other than being nice neighbors we didn't do a whole lot together. It wasn't announced until her funeral that she had died of AIDS. She was afraid of what people would think of her having AIDS and didn't want anyone to know. Wow, talk about a fucking shocker!! I was disturbed enough watching her son cry, but when they brought up the fact that it was AIDS, and then the preacher started on the "It's because of homosexuals and their sin that she died" rant I just clinched up and wanted to start beating heads. Well, no, she got it through sex with her first husband who got it from a blood transfusion. Luckily she didn't pass it on to her second husband or their child. It irks the hell out of me when people start blaming homosexuals for things like this. I'm not going to climb up on my soap box for this one but it's just absurd! Anyway, the funeral is tomorrow. I hate funerals because most funerals are held in churches, that and the fact that someone you know has died.

PARENTS

My parents are both doing lousy! My mom's back is out for some reason (really bad) and my dad has a testicle that has swollen three times the normal size. Looks like they won't be out for Christmas this year because of this. Them not coming out is kind of a good thing though because I want to be working in December to make up for the lack of work this summer. Business is looking up as is the economy. I hope nothing is wrong with them. I still have to call the a specialist for Josie to take a look at her thyroid. Hope nothing major is going on with Josie. This has been just about one of the worst years of my life. Can it get any better?

THE DOGHOUSE

Poor Nala and Cocoa have been banished to the garage. I put linoleum tile in the back room so that when Josie's mom moves in there this coming weekend it will have a nice floor. The dogs have a bad habit of chewing on things or even pissing on new things so they no longer have a place in the back room. I'm buying them a doghouse to place in the garage along with a doggie door to the garage but tonight they get to sleep on blankets. Nicky and Mr. Peperton are sleeping with Miranda in her bed but still have a place in the utility room. I need to devise a way to keep Mr. Pepperton in there because he knows how to climb the baby gate we have up. Cocoa learned how to jump the gate this week as well but now that he is no longer allowed in that back room it's not a problem.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I don't know how much attention you've been paying attention to what has been happening with the sun, but it's been real spastic as of late. Well, I guess this is affecting my subconscious and I had a dream about it this morning. I dreamt that I was walking out my front door when all of a sudden there was the hugest most deafening  explosive sound I have ever heard. Then almost as quick everything kind of jumped like a shock wave hit, dust flying and things quaking, and then everything went black. I knew the Sun had imploded and that this was the end. I actually felt myself slipping into death, I was saying something to Jesus, and I was almost dead when I realized that it wasn't the end, things were light again outside, and everyone had overreacted. I woke up and said out loud, "Fuck that shit!" It's bad enough that the sun isn't behaving normally, but Christianity has truly fucked me up mentally and it even affects my sleep. I'm not very happy about that, not one bit! Shame on my parents for shoving that useless crap down my throat as a kid and fucking me up forever.

SHOP BABY SHOP!

We went to go get Josie's mom a bed today. I had planned on spending about $400 but ended up spending $1500. Josie's mom bought a bed a stand and some other stuff. Good thing we have credit! She will be paying us back little by little. I'm going to try to rally the family into helping with this. We also bought Brandon a new bed. We bought his old one at a garage sale five years ago and it's just falling apart. So he got a bed too. Thank Eos for credit! We took a few pictures of the event, you can click on them at the left on this page. I haven't figured out the cell phone camera yet and for some reason it took real good pictures but they were real small and look grainy when blown up a bit. Go figure.

SUN SHINE BLOWN UP YOUR COLON

The group we had last night was a Christian youth group. It was a dessert buffet program with very little food to go around for 560 people. They were being charged $12.50 a person wich is a bargain seeing that they got a ton of coffee, hot and iced tea, three desserts per person (people were taking up to 8), and so on. A regular group would have had to pay around $40 a person or more for what they had last night. So with all the people we had working on this function would say I got bent over in the name of Jesus. It's going to suck our tip pool dry. On a lighter side, the people putting on this program were all very plastic and fake. I don't think they knew it but the music they chose for their skits were all about sex, transexuals, and drugs. One group was talking about Ann Coulter saying, Isn't she pretty, isn't she so smart? Isn't she the greatest? I was thinking, "Isn't she a Nazi?" The best part was everyone who didn't get dessert was wondering when more were coming out. Well, for $12.50 a person you don't get $40 worth of desserts per person, go have some tea. I hope their contract is up because I hate to pay people to come to the resort and complain about how little food they have when they don't want to pay for it. Jesus should have been there turning your desserts into a six course meal, your coffee into wine, and your plastic asses into real people.

MOTHERS DAY

I have some time to myself all of a sudden and I don't know what to do! One of Josie's sisters came and picked up their mother early today so it's giving me a day by myself, a half a day anyway. This situation with Josie's mom isn't getting any better. In the process of trying to straighten things out I've learned that it's a big tangled mess that is making me ill just trying figure out all of what has happened. Her Medicare is all messed up, her doctor will no longer see her because the sister her mom was living with hasn't taken her to any check ups, she's diabetic, has high blood pressure, and nothing much has been done to treat any of it. This doctor knows she's knocking on deaths door, as do I, but everyone else in their family just kind of walks around it all. LaVerne, the sister her mom had been living with, called yesterday and I let her have it. Seeing she has stolen about $10,000 from her own mother, and is just an irresponsible  piece of shit, I let her know it. I called her a dolt then asked her if she knew what that was. She didn't. I managed to get a few things ironed out but next I have to tackle the Medicare issue and see what has happened. Why is it that out of a Chicano family of 13 brothers and sisters a white guy that most of them don't even like is fixing things for them? I wonder if they even care. That is pathetic and sad, it makes me sick to my stomach.

OLD LADIES DIG ME

Why is it that only old ladies hit on me? Seriously! Tonight I was working a function down by the pool and was lucky enough to be carving some of the best tasting turkey breast you can imagine. There was a band playing very close to where I was carving. At one point an old lady made her way around my carving station and was dancing right next to me. She had a glass of wine in each hand, red in her left and white in her right. She backed her ass up and was rubbing it on me. Okay! I tried to strike up conversation with her so she would be facing me because I didn't want her ass touching me. She was telling me that if her husband didn't come back soon that she was going to drag me out there and dance. She also told me that I couldn't refuse because she was the client and it's my job to make the client happy. She walked away and I managed to get someone to cover for me while I took a break. Later on in the evening the lady came back by with her husband and told me I should still be prepared to go dancing soon. I looked at her husband and I think he's been through this before because he just looked down and shook his head. I got to go home before I had to dance with her. I can't get that "come hither" look she was giving me out of my head now. Ick.

DEATH

One of the guys I know at work who works with Josie had the misfortune of his wife passing away yesterday while he was at work. She was pretty young and this was all very sudden. She had been suffering from migraine headaches lately and I don't know for sure but I bet she had an aneurysm. I feel bad about this but there is nothing I can do to make it better. Josie was pretty sad at work today.

MY NEW AREA

This is my new computer area. We got the dog/computer room cleaned up and painted so that Josie's mom can move in there. She needs a bed still. She was going to buy one but her social security check was short by $200. I get to call up and find out what happened tomorrow. I need to get her in that room so that Brandon can have his room back. I like my new computer area because it's clean and no dogs. I also made the desktop and screen saver on my computer a devil theme because everyone has to pass by the computer when they enter the house. It's a great conversation piece.

HALLOWEEN

It didn't quite go according to plan, but then it never does. My plans were to go to BestBuy and get a DVD as soon as my niece and her kids came over to go trick-or-treating with Josie and our kids. I was going to hand out candy, eat popcorn and candy, drink Iced tea (trying to cut out the Pepsi in my diet), watch my horror movie while trying to fight off the obligatory Halloween boner. Yeah, I really love Halloween that much! So what happened? Well, seeing that the cycle of things breaking down around here isn't quite over yet my brother-in-law Jose came over with Lina and his mother to fix a pipe under the sink that was leaking. I went and got LUCKY WISHBONE  chicken  for the masses, and if you have never had their chicken then your missing out! Garlic toast, chicken, jalapeno peppers and french fries! Good stuff!! My niece didn't come over because they changed their plans, I ended up taking the kids out around the neighborhood until around 8:45 p.m. when Brandon gave up, and made it to Best Buy in time to buy my movie. Everyone here was watching THE RING when I got back and then I ended up making popcorn and watching PBS. NOVA was a two hour special on relativity and string theory and it was really interesting. I fell asleep with about a half hour left in the program and woke up early this morning with a kink in my neck. So, I didn't get the proverbial Halloween boner, I didn't watch my movie, and I still had a good time. Forgot to get pictures of the kids in costume. Miranda was a goth punk chick and Brandon was the HULK.

UH... CALL ME?

Ever say something you didn't find all that funny but everybody else just starts rolling? We were in the back area at work two nights ago and the radio was on. BAD TO THE BONE by George Thorogood came on and I just kind of started singing, ad lib of course, but changing the words around to I'VE GOT MADGE ON THE PHONE, singing about how:


I had just dialed up
and asked are you alone?
Will it be your visa?
I had Madge on the phone
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-adge
Madge on the phone



Kind of one of those 1-900-hot-sexx numbers I guess. It got a big laugh. I was just being silly off the top of my head but everybody accused me of thinking this up ahead of time. Sure, like I knew they were going to play that song. James told me he'll never be able to listen to that song ever again without thinking about Madge being on the phone. I really do need to get back into doing stand up.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Josie's mom moved in and so far so good. Her sister gave back her medical cards and some other important stuff after I threatened to bring over the police. Her mother is kind of scared of me I think because she has mostly stayed in the bedroom other than taking a shower. I'm sure that will go away before long. Were going to hook her up with her own bed and t.v. in here as soon as we get things squared away. She was being treated pretty poorly at her sisters house. I don't think she wants to go back but I wouldn't be surprised if she did anyway. Let's just call it an educated guess.

BLOGROLL

Added JozJozJoz to the blog roll. It's on the right side of the page. Been reading it for quite some time but never got around to putting it up. Take a gander at her lovely blog page. I also have BuzzNet photos on the right hand side. Will be adding more soon. It's funny, those pictures spark interest. One person thinks I'm pretty fucked up, the other called me a fag. I've got one of them on the IM right now. Here is what Chelsee69@aol.com has to say:

shyven1666: Who is this, do I know you or are you just a troll who likes to fuck with people on the internet?
Chelsee69: do you believe in god?
shyven1666: no
Chelsee69: well your gay then .
shyven1666: cool, then you agree with what your dad was saying as he sucked my dick last night.

I guess Chelsee69@aol.com didn't have a good comback. Do me a favor and send lots of e-mail or IMs to this person for being such a dick.

PHOTOS

You can now see photos of things and people I mention here on my blog at JOE OXFORD BUZZNET Not a lot up yet but will try and get as many pics as I can up. There is a link to this page at the top, just click "My Photo Album."

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HELLO, IT'S ME

People have asked so I thought I would post what I looked like. These are in no way flattering I will say that much. The first picture is me on a cater out function and everyone working got to dress up for a group picture. Can't find the original full picture but it depicts all of us at a whore house in the 1800's. The middle picture is me at the KON TIKI drinking Mexican beer with friends, lost the full picture of this one as well. The picture on the left is taken at the resort where I work. There you have it, me in all my splendor

OTHER DREAM WEIRDNESS

A regular reader had a dream about me a few nights ago. She's never met me but had a dream so I just had to post this:

THE DREAM OF MARIE ST. JOHN

I dreamt that you and I were hanging out having a slumber party, which was pretty good except when all your pals from the methadone clinic showed up. Even though they were loud, and pretty stinky, they brought pot brownies. We ate all the brownies and you showed me all of your tattoos, including a breathtaking image of Insane Clown Posse that covered your entire back. Although I haven't the slightest idea what you look like, in my dream you were pretty dreamy.

Now is that funny or what? I have been dreaming quite a bit but nothing weird enough to remember.

QUINCEANERA

Went to my nieces quinceanera last night. I was bored stiff because I don't dig Tejano music all that much, but the band was really good. There is a bar that has a big Karaoke night just around the corner but they were having a pool tournament so I went back to the dance hall. Lot's of drunk people, lot's of good Mexican food, lot's of new impressions of the in-laws! Josie's brothers Frank and Martin were beyond fucked up. Martin would stand up, hold his beer up and out like an Olympic torch, and just stand there. I guess it was some form of libation. He would also dance very stiffly at times, barely moving. Funny as hell. On the other hand, Frank was just stumbling drunk. We just got a phone call just this second about Frank! Sounds like he had a heart attack! Weird, got to go...

BREAK DOWN

Josie had a breakdown at work today. She was all emotional and probably overreacted. I thought about this and figured it was a good thing in the long run. She is due for one of these fits and it's usually aimed at me but it wasn't today so I scored. I should be more sympathetic but I look at it as dodging a bullet. Work for the most part is a shit hole as far as the atmosphere goes. Everyone is unhappy with all the extra work being force on them and the attitude of management. Life goes on. I'm too tired to care at this point. Tomorrow is going to be another long day and I will just have to cope. One thing weird did happen at work today during lunch. There was a very attractive blond lady in my section and she kept staring at me, and would even smile now and again. This threw me for a loop, I have no idea what she was staring at. The zipper was up and I didn't have a kick me sign on so what gives? I'm too tired to think at this point, I need to go to sleep now.

HERE COMES A BITCHFEST!

I just got home after working a twelve hour shift at work. It was an ass kicker to boot! We have STARBUCKS Corp. at the resort and I stayed on to help in between shifts today to work a coffee and tea display. The person that was supposed to work with me cried like a bitch so I told her to take off and I would find someone else to help me. After the fact I found out that she had no clue what she had been doing, provided me with a ton of wrong information, and I had to redo and undo a lot of things that had been started. When I found someone who said he would help, he then started crying like a little bitch and he just up and left me to work three rooms worth of coffee and tea displays by myself. I ran my ass off for two hours straight. Then after the function was over the guy in charge told me I could have a bunch of free coffee but I didn't even have time to take any of it. I get to my next function and am told that I have to work a triple shift tomorrow, starting at 5:00 a.m. and basically told I had no say in the matter. I went and had a talk with my boss, and he agreed that not everyone can just up and rewrite their life in less than twelve hours. I was going to work the shift anyway but I found someone who wanted to work it for me so that was one hell of a lucky break for me. There are quite a few people that have had enough of this kind of stuff at work and are ready to quit. If I could find a job that pays as well as mine does I too would be ready to go elsewhere but I think I'm pretty much stuck doing what I do for now. Oh, I had the owners of MARS candy at one of my tables a few nights ago, or so I'm told. I'm tired and rambling, I'm sorry. I have two more long days this week to go. I did have a ton of STARBUCKS products to drink today, all very good. I'm still rambling. Oh, Miranda got her report card today and made honor roll again. Very proud!!! Brandon is doing well in school as well. I'm lucky to have kids who are bright and don't cause trouble. I'll shut up and try to go to bed now. Did I mention the fact that STARBUCKS has a lot of very pretty women working for them on a corporate level? It's true! Okay, I'll stop now.

TAKEN

Anyone watching this series or seen it in the past? Very cool! Think I'm going to have to buy it on DVD. I've seen all of it except the first hour or so, mist it all four times it has been played. What's your opinion on abductions? I really do think something is going on, call me crazy but it's my gut feeling.

BLOGS

What are some of your favorite blogs? I'm curious because I'm always looking for funny and interesting blogs. Please drop some links in the comments section.

LUBE?

Dennis is pretty funny most of the time, and he was pretty funny at work the other day handing out little packets of ointment to people and telling them to meet him in the bathroom in twenty minutes. Then he did it to a guy who had been sexually molested when he was young and he didn't find it very funny. You would think a person could pick up on it but Dennis either didn't know or wasn't getting the cue or both. Anyway, I pulled him aside and told him he had better stop before he got taken to human resources. Didn't stop. So I worked with the guy in question yesterday and he mentioned that my buddy Dennis was close to getting fired. I called Dennis and it had already sunk in and he felt bad about it. This is good because it was close.

That whole day was messed up, Saturday being that day. One of the most fucked up days I can remember. There is a new supervisor at work who has no clue what he is doing in his department. I would say he was responsible for about 50 percent of the mess we had to work with on Saturday. I'm going to be talking to some higher up people about this one. This guy needs to be stopped now before it becomes habit forming.

CHOKE

I'm not going to bash either of these teams, but come on! You both get this far to both choke again? It's too bad because I'm tired of seeing the Yankees being the herds favorite team. Wouldn't it have been cool to see these two teams battle it out in the World Series?

YES!!

Something cool on the horizon, can't speak of it yet but I will if it manifests itself. I know I'm a tease but I just can't talk about it quite yet even though I'm excited as hell about it.

ORBS

I deleted a post a few weeks ago about this paranormal phenomenon. Here is what I had originally posted. I do not claim to know what this is, I only have witnessed it. I do not believe it is god or the devil and this would serve no purpose for either of them even if they did exist:
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Friday, October 03, 2003

About the balls of light I saw years ago, paranormal activity, here are some videos I found of the very same thing. These people are not scared shitless like I was. Check these out:

Central Arkansas Society for
Paranormal Research..... ghost photos

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WHAT I SAW

What in the hell are 65 year old ladies doing by jogging around in tube tops and tight red shorts? Maybe I'll find this attractive in 25 years or so but for now I'm a bit traumatized. This is the image that will haunt me all day at work. Why me Jesus, why?

FOX IN SOX AND CUBS CHOKE

CHOKE! It's that fucking curse, and that goat is dead so it's far too late. It' will never happen, and the Sox will probably choke tonight.

RETARD

I swear FRY'S supermarket is where retarded and mildly crazy people go to hang out. I can't go to get groceries without some bizarre experience these days. It's either the crazy guy standing at the doorway to greet you as he rambles about asphalt or it's the crazy lady buying a candy bar with a $100 bill while holding about $10 worth of one dollar bills in her left hand. The cashier tried to talk her into buying the candy bar with a dollar but crazy lady was incoherent and the whole process that should have taken a minute took about ten minutes. Yes, she used the $100 to pay for a fucking candy bar. I've talked about Paul Stanly lady before. She takes a doll of Paul with her everywhere she goes. She talks to him but from the look on his face I can tell he's not interested in what she is rambling on about.

A FRIEND MADE THESE

Fun with flash. A friend made these with flash.

http://members.aol.com/jonind/airhead.swf

http://members.aol.com/jonind/newworldorder.html

KILL BILL

Went to see KILL BILL yesterday and I have to say it kicked ass! I'm totally in love with Chiaki Kuriyama who plays Go Go Yubari in the movie. I'll never understand why I'm so attracted to Asian women. Is this girl not just adorable? This movie is classic Quentin Tarantino but unique in it's own way. Sure, tons of blood, tons of violence, but the way this movie was shot is just brilliant! I'm not going to say any more because I know your all going to want to go see it. I can't wait for volume II. I also saw a new trailer for Lord of the Rings Return of the King. This movie is going to kick some serious ass as well. I'm all excited, make it stop.

WORK

Worked a wine tasting dinner at the country club for county club members tonight. It was a piece of cake, and the people in my section were nice. I did have a few snobs but paid no attention to them. They were served veil so I didn't eat an entree tonight. I know what veil is and I can't stand the way it tastes so I had chicken fingers instead. I did eat my share of hor d'ourves though. I know I could be skinny if I just didn't eat the food at work, but hey it's one of the perks at work. Most people only see this stuff being made on The Food Channel but I'm lucky enough to eat this stuff on a daily basis. Then again, it would be great to be skinny again. The function we worked on Saturday morning was just beyond the beyond. It was for a sorority from the U of A and the parents of the girls who belong to it. I've never seen so many Britney Spears clones before in my entire life! I've also never seen so many tight white dresses and black thongs in my entire life either. I technically could be a father to a girl their age so I felt like a pervert. I know I would never let Miranda parade around in a tight white dress with no bra and a black thong. You could see some of the fathers checking out the other girls. And speaking of work I have to get up in five hours to go back and work a breakfast shift. Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.

KILL BILL

Going with Dennis to go see KILL BILL part one tomorrow. I can't wait! I love Pulp Fiction and it's just about one of the coolest movies ever made so I'm pretty excited about this movie. Plus it looks like they didn't skimp on the hot Asian chicks so that's a plus! We are going to sneak in to the new Jack Black movie after that. If I'm lucky I will get to see almost all of it before I have to pick up the kids from school.

NORMAL?

Keeping in step with the pace set by disasters and so forth my microwave oven decided to die on me after a good fifteen years worth of service. I think I killed it by heating up so much water in it to do the dishes this past three weeks when we had no gas. It's display had burnt out right before the gas line gave up so that was a sign that my microwave was on it's way to meet with Jesus in heaven. So we went and got a new one at Best Buy today. While at Best Buy I hear someone ask, "Is that Joe Oxford?" It was Dan C. who used to work with me in room service at the Ventana Canyon Resort here in Tucson. I haven't seen this guy in twelve years! And what was the next question he asked? Well hold the fuck up because I'm going to tell you, okay? He asks, "So, did you have to get your gas line fixed?" I told him he was freaking me out, how in the hell could he have know this? He works for the gas company and he saw the estimate for my gas line out where he works. What are the odds? Weird, but on par for my life. So back to the microwave oven, this one fits on the counter and is now on a different circuit as far as electricity goes. This will save me from having to reset the breaker when you run the microwave and the washing machine at the same time. Never fails, I will be heating something up and Josie will turn the washing machine on and it trips the breaker. Hope that doesn't happen anymore. So the new water line got put in yesterday, replacing the old rusting metal pipe with PVC pipe. The new gas and water pipes should outlive me so I've got that going for me. The trench is filled back up with dirt and the back yard almost looks normal again. Total parts and labor for both ran me about $500 and that's pretty damn cheap! Killed some of the grass where the dirt was piled, but it will grow back next year. I hope my life is on it's way back to normal.

FOOTBALL

I have a good chance of winning the football pool again this week. Doesn't matter who wins tomorrow just as long as the total points from the game equal 43 or more. This will make me a two time winner this year already and the pool is $54 this week. I could use the money, trust me. Someone at work was bragging about how he knew he was going to win the pool this week, silly Christian. San Fran lost but the other team didn't cover the points so that goes to prove that god likes me best! I need lot's of points tomorrow night, score big damn it, score big!!!

YES!!!!

The gas line passed inspection! Hell Yes! The inspection guy was very nice. Mr. Estrada, the guy who put in my line was super nice too, and saved me about five hundred dollars so I invited he and his wife over for dinner soon. It's about time things started looking up again. Now all I have to do is wait to have them come and turn on my gas. I'm taking hot shower tonight after work just for the hell of it all. I'm still freaked out about last nights dream, I can't quit thinking about the cat that had swallowed about ten ABBA records. A square gray tabby cat saying papa moon over and over, how fucking weird is that? I typed the dream out and it's down below this post. I'm mental...

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I had to write this because it's so weird, but I'm half asleep and can hardly see straight. Forgive my spelling because I really can't see! I was dreaming that I was at my friend Mark D's house and he and his wife Bethany were home. I walk in and there is an Native American smoke pipe inside the door. Obviously they have been smoking dope. I look at it and in a comedic way say, "Oh, what's that?" Bethany has this baby and it's skeletal looking, paper thin skeletal and tiny. This baby turns into a scorpion and Bethany remarks that you have to feed it's addiction. This scorpion ate with it's stinger. I guess you have to feed this thing heroine. There is this fat cat named Fritz that is huge and has swallowed an entire collection of ABBA records and basically can only lie down. I'm petting this cat and it keeps saying in a lilting fashion, "Pappa moon.... pappa moon..... papa moon...." I was talking about being broke and that is all I can remember. The "papa moon" thing freaked me out and woke me up. I also had a dream about going to Nebraska to see my brothers. It's too obscure and I can't remember what happened in that one. Weird, I'm going back to bed...

Was a long day. Helped put in the gas line, only cost me $165 as opposed to the $670 most people wanted to charge. Ace hardware rang up my order wrong as well and saved me some money. Josie thought I should have done laundry today and didn't understand that I was helping cut pipe and hold the pipe and guide the pipe. It's that time of month and she is being mental. Nothing is ever good enough for her ever, so be it. The inspector comes tomorrow and we may have gas again tomorrow. Oh, I hope it all goes well, I'm so tired of shit going wrong every other day. It's raining in Tucson again. Wow! That is about all I have for today, I'm sorry I'm just to tired to type anything of substance

GAS

The gas line is getting fixed tomorrow. A guy who just retired from the gas company is going to do the job and he isn't bending me over in the process. A hot shower, ah.... I can almost feel it!

JESUS DID IT!

I was telling people the story how this guy from the gas company called me out of the blue and offered to fix my line without charging an arm and a leg. One of the Christian ladies at work hears this and pulls me aside, knowing good and well that I'm basically an atheist. She told me this is one of those "god things." I said, "Oh how nice, god smiles on me and I get a new gas line put in for cheap while some poor kid in a third world country starves to death." She replies, "Well, sometimes it's better if they die." What in the hell goes on in peoples minds? I'm damned to hell for eternity because I refuse to grovel but she get's candy and cake for eternity and is able to say that it's better that starving kids die. I guess in gods world a white guys gas line takes priority over starving kids. Nice...

BLOODSUCKING FREAKS

Holy fuck! What did I do today between shifts? Instead of going home I got to watch this movie at an undisclosed location. Jesus talk about weird as hell! This wasn't even a B movie, but more in the realm of C movie. It was very disturbing to boot, full of S & M, nudity, blood, bad acting, and cannibalism. I have to admit I laughed out loud a couple of times, but I also had to look away when the doctor took a power drill to some pretty girls head then put a straw in her head and started sucking the fluid from her skull. Oh, did I mention he pulled out all of her teeth first because he wanted a blow job but he didn't what her to bite him? He got his anyway when he wandered into a cage full of naked female cannibals. The dart board drawn on some girls butt was a little over the top as well. Yes, they played darts! Anyway, I don't recommend any of you ever watch this movie, especially if you've dropped acid. I'm an odd person, and I like weird movies but this was just beyond the beyond in my book. What kind of sick bastard decides he's going to make a movie like this anyway?

FAST FOOD

We were running around a couple of nights ago so we decided to grab a burger on the way home because it was late. We decided to go to WHATABURGER, it's right near where we live and I didn't want to eat McDonalds. So we get to the drive-thru and order, pull up behind the vehicle in front of us and then we sat there for about a half an hour. I have no idea what was going on but there were more than six cars behind us at one point. The lady behind us talked the other cars into backing up so that she could get out. We backed out too and took off. So I'm sorry for ordering and running off but damn people send someone outside to explain what is going on next time. Oh, we went to McDonalds by the way. Big Mac...

STAND UP

After seeing the M.C. at the local comedy club perform I'm really thinking about approaching stand up comedy again. This guy was beyond pathetic! I was never this bad even on my worse night. Sure, A.D.D. is funny for a little while but it's not funny for over a half an hour. I went with Dennis and his parents and a few other friends came along as well. As we were leaving the club Dennis's mother remarks how horrible the M.C. was. Me, being unfiltered and having no common sense said, "Yeah, I could have stood up there and mocked my own genitalia for a good half hour and got more of a response from the audience." His mother actually laughed at this as did everyone within earshot. I have a tendency to talk way too much. It was nice to finally meet his parents though. His mom is pretty zany and his dad doesn't say much, he just sits there with his devilish grin. I got to relive a few family stories that Dennis has told a dozen times, only this time his mother told them. There is a sitcom waiting to be hatched on the life and times of Dennis and his family.

UPGRADE

Brandon got accepted to a Magnet school yesterday. We had to wait two years but he got in. The education is more focused at these public schools. He will also get bussing to and from school, so now I don't have to drive him or Miranda to school anymore! It was kind of sad though because he had to tell his current schoolmates goodbye yesterday. The teacher also commented on how smart and well behaved he was which made me even more proud of him. I wish the well behaved portion of Brandon was present at home today because he's playing the part of Mordred and it's pissing me off!

CAN'T TOUCH THIS

M.C. Hammer, failed pop star, now makes his money as a mouthpiece for god. I WAS a Christian for a good 25 years, and listening to him repeat the same old spiel that I've heard a hundred times before seemed pretty comical. No, maybe not comical but redundant. Even if I were a believer I don't think I could take spiritual advice from the same guy who penned "Can't Touch This" as well as a remake of "The Adams Family" theme song and then went bankrupt because he spent all his money foolishly on a huge entourage of people and a very lavish home. One of the guys from Run D.M.C. is a "reverend" as well. There is a place here in Tucson that will ordain me as a priest of my own religion. I'm seriously thinking about doing it just for the hell of it. Rev. Joe or Father Joe would look good on my name tag for work. I want to pontificate for a while, I want to speak gods loud funny words!

I HAD TO GET RID OF THIS ONE

Post deleted. Due to the subject matter posted here I deleted the post. I can not explain paranormal activity, and I feel like a mad man when I speak of what happened back in 1989. It happened, I don't know what it was or why it happend. No, I don't believe it was a devil or Satan because that is just plain childish. There is a lot about this universe we don't understand. Just because it's unexplained doesn't throw it into the category of "god" or "Satan." First thing you would have to determine is which god you were talking about, because technically even Satan could fall under that title. Second, what purpose would this event serve? None, other than scaring the holy living shit out of me. Seeing having the shit scared out of a person does not damn them to the mythological place called hell, I don't think Satan had a whole lot to do with it. What ever it was it was controlled, intelligent, and beyond my understanding. No, it wasn't god for Pete's (whoever he is) sake.

I QUIT!

This whole gas line mess is fucking with me and I'm so through with it's not even funny! Josie is being a shit about it all. She has no comprehension of what has happened, it isn't fucking McDonalds, it isn't instant potatoes, chill the fuck out and let it get fixed. Man, if you never see another post here it will because of a heart attack due to stress. Fuck this shit!

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is on it's way, and if you know me then you know this is the most sacred day out of any day during the year for me. Why, just because I love everything about it! Think of it all, the horror, movies, candy, costumes, pranks, and the occasional kick to the groin. All of these things make it a special day for me! I can't wait, I really do love Halloween!!

TOP 5

I saw on another page where they were doing a top 5 Halloween list. Can be anything top five dealing with Halloween, I personally posted my top five scariest moments of my life. Feel free to leave your top 5 Halloween whatever and I'll post the winner on Halloween day. I will also keep pointing  back to this post and reminding everyone about it. Let's make it interesting!

MONEY PIT

The gas line is bad, has to be replaced and the water pipe is bad too so I might as well have that replace as well and out of the way at the same time to avoid ever doing that again. The price? $780 for both. Luis and I dug the trench yesterday, Luis doing the bulk of it all. That guy is a machine! I just can't take the sun once it gets close to one hundred degrees outside. So I was toast by two in the afternoon and Luis kept on for about another hour. Then again I started before he got there but it was cool outside and still didn't work as fast as he did. Only problem is if the inside leaks during a pressure test then we have to have inside repaired as well and I won't be able to have the work done because I'm literally out of money at that point. Christ, what a lovely year this is turning out to be. It could be worse though, I could be a gay Haitian hemophiliac with a drug problem, aids, and an albino sister with Turrets Syndrome. It's my light and fluffy sense of humor that keeps my candy coated ass from going insane at times like this. At least I've been sleeping well. Can you imagine the insomnia hitting me hard right now, I would losing it for sure.

2112

The band RUSH? No. Rush Limbaugh in trouble? I hope so. I hate that asshole. I remember him saying right after the whole 9/11 thing that he was appalled  by how many American women found Osama Bin Laden attractive. What ever. I have nothing else to say about that idiot.

PHONES RINGING

I want to apologize to the phone solicitor that called my house. I know your just trying to make your minimum wage by calling up busy people and trying to sell them the local paper, but you need to hang up when the person on the other end fucks with you. I'm sorry I asked you to come over and fuck me up the ass. I'm sorry I mocked your seven day - thirteen week special, and that I said it would be special if you came over and fucked me, but really, just hang up when you get flustered. I'm sorry I accused you of wanting to come over and do me like a schoolgirl when you asked for my address, and that I lied and said my name was Ted Johnson. I'm also sorry you called in your supervisor and that I told him you were trying to date rape me. Next time just hang up, or do yourself a favor and remove me from your precious little phone list. Oh, I also lied when I said I'd been had by the entire U of A football team, I'm just a tease.

I HAD GAS

O.k. this is the lowdown, the gas company came to my house and turned off my gas. My pipes were corroded and dangerous I can comprehend that, but why the hell do they come to their customers and try to rape them in the process? Seriously, $700 to fix a gas line? Well, I've been talking to people who can do this job and they are telling me that the gas company is trying to do me up the ass without any lubricant and failing to give me a well deserved reach around in the process. So Luis and I started digging the trench this evening and we will finish it in the morning. I have a plumber coming to give me an estimate in the morning to put the pipe in. So it should end up costing me less than $300 in the long run. So I feel better about that. My car on the other hand started making the worst noise in the world a few nights ago. On the way to the mechanic it stopped making the noise and seems fine now; He's going to take a look at it to see if the belt is just loose or not. I hope nothing is wrong, I just couldn't afford it. Are there any millionaires out there that have any spare cash they want to throw at a helpless blatherskite? I need it if you don't want it, seriously!

POPPIES WILL MAKE THEM SLEEP

I've been sleeping better than I have in a long time. I have been getting to bed around ten or so and getting at least eight hours of sleep for a change.  Why? Who the hell knows. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS

What else can go wrong? My car that just got fixed broke down again, same problem. So I need to get the alternator fixed which should be under warrantee but I'm sure will cost me money and then we started smelling gas in the back yard. Natural Gas leak, they turned our gas off and I have to wait to talk to an engineer from the city gas company to get an estimate. So that means we are without gas for the next week or so, basically. Heating bath water by microwave should be a fun time. The guy that came here to check out the gas smell said it would cost close to $1000. Double fuck! At this point it's almost like there is a conspiracy to see if they (whoever that could be) can break Joe. What next, this is definitely one of the worst months of one of the worst years for me financially. Seriously, what next? I think at this point I'm going to basic service as far as television is concerned, and I might just have to get rid of the internet. Just can't live this way much longer if work doesn't pick up.

NEW SONG

Yvonne at Aged and Confused was having a contest about what she should be for Halloween and the choice for COCK was winning out. I told her to send a wav file about it and I would make a song out of it. So here it is folks! Enjoy. I can post the Melly Mix song again if anyone wanted to download it.

Here is the remix of "If I had a cock." This is what I came up with this afternoon.


Shyzmattic - If I had a cock(constant boner mix).mp3

YUMMY?

I stayed home and cooked today. I made "Wendy's" chili from a recipe I found on the net. Damn I can cook. I also modified it a bit with jalapeno peppers which gave it a nice edge, but not too spicy. Four hours later it came out really good! Miranda liked it, as did Josie. Brandon had one of those ramen noodle styro cup things again. Brandon wasn't about to touch anything that is labeled "chili" because Tabasco is made with chili peppers and he knows how hot that can be. I love Tabasco by the way, but didn't use any in the chili I made today. I got Brandon to try peanut butter with pickles tonight. He loved it! I'm telling you, nothing goes better with a bowl of chile than a peanut butter sandwich and dill pickles. Miranda likes the peanut butter pickle combo as well. Josie thought we were all stark raving mad. The whole chili, pickle, and peanut butter combo came about through the Burwell Nebraska school cafeteria. They use to serve it on Wednesdays every other week when I was in elementary school. I also found some great ideas on how to make Carne Asada on the net. I'm one hell of a good cook according to Josie's brother Luis. He says I cook Mexican food better than a lot of Mexicans he knows. Cooking is just simple science. So I'm going to make some Carne Asada tacos tomorrow night. I am also surfing the net trying to find the best way to make refried beans. I also have one parting word for you. GAS! It's wicked foul, Yo!!!!

BACK IN BLACK

Aright bitches, been a bit busy at work but that is o.k. because I need the money so bad that it hurts. A lot of things happening all of a sudden, funny how it all happens at once. We got a new Teacup Chihuahua from my niece two days ago. Her husband found it wondering the streets a couple of weeks ago and picked it up then took it home. I don't think this dog has been being fed properly for a long time because he's pretty skinny and he is a small dog. This little guy is so tiny that we named him just that, Tiny. He's the most lovable little dog I've ever had, I'm not fucking with you! God, what a stroke of good luck, he's a great dog. I have to add this before I post this. Miranda and I just discovered that this dog will not respond to any given name we have thrown out to him other than Killer. Funny but true. I think Tiny just became Killer. Not my choice but he seems to respond to this. Very funny anyway. I wonder why someone would let this dog just wander around and not feed it or take him to a shelter or something. He has already gained some weight and is eating well now. On the other hand Nala, our Labrador mix is sick and I think we are going to have to put her down soon. Josie doesn't want to but Nala has cancer on her nose and it's getting worse. The vet told us nothing could be done. Her poor nose hurts her bad enough and if she starts to act real sick I'm not going to let her suffer. When that happens this room is going to be converted to a bedroom office for yours truly. Right now it's the dogs room and my computer room. I love my wife but I also love to sleep by myself. She knows where to find me for all that hot sex action that you read about in Penthouse magazine anyway so don't you fret! She came home early today from work and this is how it went:

Dear Penthouse,

I have to share this story with you and please let your readers know this is a true account of my passion, not just some steamy story dreamt up for your avid readers. This morning I was doing a whole lot of nothing. I live in the desert and it's been raining for two days now so there wasn't much going on for me on my day off from work other than listening to music and watching television. I decided at one point to get up and clean the house so that my wife would find it to her liking when she got home from work. This was an easy task seeing that my wife is a clean freak and I only had to straighten up and do some dishes. As soon as I had achieved this small task I decided to take a shower. I put on some music relatively loud so that I could hear it above the splashing water in the shower. I started to lather my body up with a rather nicely scented men's soap, slowly working the silky suds all over my body. The hot water caressed me from behind as the steam seemed to penetrate my every pore. Suddenly a voice from beyond the shower curtain whispered "I'm home from work already, are you ready?" My wife emerged naked from behind this curtain. She gazed into my eyes as her fragile hands grasped at my nine inches of manhood.....

Now it really did happen this way up to the part where my wife walked into the bathroom and announced she was home early. And why does the guy always have a nine inch cock in those stories? Needless to say, I got lucky this morning and it was whole lot of fun being able to have sex without any kids knocking on locked doors or being afraid of making a little noise and waking the kids up. I may be hearing things but I think my wife called me Captain Carl at one point. I need glasses.

INSTANT MESSAGE I JUST GOT

Darcy76543210211:

Hey shyven1666,

Gay men who do the nasty on a bus! This site is a MUST see!!!!

Ah..... Gee...... Thanks?

WORK

Dana Carvey was the entertainment last night at the dinner we served for Information Week. Hewlett Packard was the sponsor for last nights dinner and they spent some major bucks. Last year they had Bill Cosby. Anyway, Dana Carvey was hilarious, the meeting planners told me I rocked, and I had it out with one of the old hags at work so it was a good day. I told an old lady to mind her own business and that I was more than capable of doing my job without comments all day. That's all I said, now she isn't speaking to me. Praise Jesus!

SONGS DU JOUR

Morrisey - We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Crybaby Soundtrack - King Cry Baby

Little Richard - Long Tall Sally

Ween - strap on the jammy pac

The Beatles - I Dig A Pony

King Diamond - The 7th Day Of July 1777

Skinny Puppy - Yes He Ran

Mortiis - Parasite God

Kraftwerk - Antenna

TOP 5

Anyone watch TOP 5 on FOOD NETWORK last night? The #4 Swim Up Pool was at our resort. So if you watched you got to see where I've been hanging out on my days off this past week. I have to work another double shift today so I have to cut this short. Remember, Jesus loves you! Wait, no he doesn't, I was just kidding. Don't get too close to the fire now...

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SONGS- NIGHT OF THE DEMON

Someone e-mailed me after I posted the MELLY MIX song and asked if I did any other songs. I though I would post one here and there so that you can take a listen. This is just me messing around having fun, wish I had better equipment and other musicians around to make it sound a lot better. Enjoy

Night of the Demon.mp3

NEW BEGINNING

It's official! Miranda became a teenager around 9:00 a.m. this morning. Jesus, does this mean I'm getting old? Nah, how could a Cradle of Filth loving fat bastard goth wanna be dad be old? She really is a great kid, I couldn't ever express in mere mortal words how much I love her. She's going to break some hearts too. Her cousin Ema is staying the night tonight and stayed last night as well. The are both Chicana and Anglo mix. There is something about mixing the two gene pools that comes out with startling results. They look a lot a like, but Miranda is just a wee bit smaller becuase she takes after her petite mother, but both are extremely pretty girls. Miranda got her report card yesterday, and even though it's not quite as good as last year it's not bad. All Bs so far. I hope she can turn the majority of them into As like last year. Brandon is doing real good too. He just needs to mellow out and not be such a six year old little boy. The key word being SPASTIC!

BEYOND DREAM WEIRDNESS

Don't know what happened but I had the most restless night full of weird dreams I can remember in a long time, all very vivid and just plain wacky! The first dream I had was me and this dwarf chick, who really wasn't a dwarf just very petite (dream dictated that she was a dwarf) were making a porn flick. She was pretty damn hot and we were just going through the motions because we were making a movie. Jesus Christ, it gets weirder. The next dream was about me working a cater out function in a wild west setting. This function I was working was for a well known local car dealer named Jim Click. Inside one of the buildings was tons of professional wrestling history paraphernalia. There were photographs and all kinds of wrestling rings dating back to the early 1900's. I was in one of the rings doing flips and jumps from the top ring rope. This car dealer and I struck up a conversation about wrestling and we were both amazed at how much each other knew about professional wrestling. We ended up becoming good friends and we did on of those "let's do lunch" kind of partings. Next dream I was up in a cabin or house in the woods with Madonna and some other girl. Madonna was all decked out in one of her naughty little outfits. Well the dream got real naughty and I ended up giving Madonna the business so to speak. The other girl was just there coaching us. It was a very raunchy dream so I'll leave it at that. I rarely have sex dreams but to have two in one night? I guess I'm not getting enough in real life or something. Madonna is a naughty girl indeed!

PRICE CHECK!

I was whistling at Josie at the grocery store to get her attention and to pester her a little at the same time. I was at the end of the isle and had been waiting for her so that is why I started whistling. All of a sudden this gorgeous blond on the next isle pops her head around and asks if I'm whistling at her. I started to giggle and told her no, that I was pestering my wife. She smiled real big and said "Oh, I thought you were trying to get MY attention." Man she was hot! I wonder what she would have said if I had told her that I was trying to get her attention.

RED LIGHT MEANS STOP

What's up with people in traffic singing karaoke style at red lights? If you can sing I wouldn't mind, but singing songs by Chicago off key and at the top of your lungs with your windows down should be a federal offence of some type. And don't look so surprised when I look over at you because your going to get funny looks from everybody squawking out loud like that.

TWISTING BY THE POOL PART II

Six more hours at the pool today! Ye haw! And not a single person went down that damn slide (pictured below) for the first five hours. Hour six I had about ten people going down. I was yelling at adults not to run around the pool. I drank a ton of lemon aid today while reading. That was my day. Got home and Brandon is sick. I'm keeping him home tomorrow because he sounds like one of those old blues singers. Poor little guy felt so sick that he passed out around eight tonight.

TWISTING BY THE POOL

Spent six hours yesterday sitting in the shade watching the water slide. Five people went down that bitch in six hours. So I spent quality time reading a book. Today holds the same promise, with even fewer people at the pool. I'll be drinking lemon aid and reading. Can you feel the excitement?

GLASS FROM WHERE?

When I woke up this morning I had a tiny pain on my back. I thought maybe it was a cut or something and it was in a spot I couldn't see in the mirror. I ended up feeling around and found the spot on my back, and it felt weird. It felt like a tiny scab or an ingrown hair. I finally got a hold on whatever it was and it turned out to be a piece of glass that was more than a quarter inch long and very very thin. At least I think it was glass. Now how in the hell did that piece of glass get there first of all. Second, where did it come from. Third, I would have felt something that long going in so why don't I remember anything sticking me in the back there. I'm puzzled to say the least. It's times like these that you want to give those who said they have been abducted by aliens a little nod or something. I really can't imagine how that thing got in my back without me noticing.

MUCH BETTER

Been kind of busy the past couple of days so I didn't sit down and take time to type anything out. Work is picking up slightly so that is good, plus I picked up watching the water slide at the pool tomorrow and the next day mainly to get hours. I need to have a minimum of 1440 hours a year to remain full time in my current position at work and I'm still about 400 hours away.  So I have no days off this week but it's money I otherwise wouldn't have had. I also tapped into my 401(k) to make sure I didn't go into the red this month. So I'm not sot depressed anymore. The next two years of business are shaping up already so that looks good too. I'm now also part of the safety committee at work. Josie is jealous as hell because the other person from our department that is on the safety committee is Diane and Josie feels threatened by her for some reason. She's even had dreams that I was getting it on with Diane and she walked in on us. Weird. So when Josie found out I was on the committee with Diane she just about went through the roof. Easy honey, it's a safety committee, not a weekend romp in a downtown hotel.

MORE DREAMS

I had a dream last night that a god was speaking to me or a group of people including me. He took on the form of a giant black hole that was swallowing an entire galaxy. Don't know what this god was saying but I remember the conversation being telepathic. When the god was speaking there was a glowing light coming from the event horizon and down to earth. When information was being offered back glowing light came from the earth and up to the edge of the galaxy. It may have even been a movie I was watching in my dream because I remember something about it being a movie but it's all pretty vague. Also more dreams about Burwell Nebraska that I can't recall.

CLASS OF 1984

Speaking of Burwell, I got a letter from a classmate last week asking if I would be interested  in attending a class reunion for the Burwell High School class of 1984. My answer is Fuck No! I wasn't well received in that little redneck town by the people or by my classmates in that town. I only kept in touch with about four of the people I went to school with and now I only write to two of those people via E-mail once or twice a year. I never had many friends growing up there but had dozens and dozens of friends here in Tucson. So do I want to go back to Nebraska next year to visit with people I didn't like 20 years ago? I threw the letter in the trash without a second thought.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

Why do I dream so much about Burwell Nebraska? Is it because I was tortured there for 18 years of my life? Was it the rednecks? Who knows! I had a dream last night that I was in my elementary school music class room. It's the same room that we had band practice in as well. I'm working with Dennis and we have a buffet set up for all these people from the Midwest. People are eating and then the lights dimmed and they started singing karaoke. The people who got up sang country and western music, and on top of that nobody could sing well at all. Finally this one girl who looks familiar gets up and sings a song. She sings like a professional and I can't believe it. My dad is all of a sudden sitting next to me and I ask him if this girl was from around Burwell. He tells me yes, and her name which I can't remember, and asks me if I remember her from school. No one else gets up and I start thinking about doing a song too. I'm going to do my standard Black Sabbath or Nazareth songs and rock these rednecks. A few new people walk into the room and they look at the food we have set up, sit down, then call me over. They tell me the pizza sandwiches are stale and wonder if we will be bringing more out. I asked them if they said pizza sandwiches because this strikes me as weird. They say yes so I start looking for Dennis because he is the one working the buffet. The other dream I had was about visiting some people in another place as well. It was a couple of girls and they were kind of after me if you know what I mean. At one point I'm on the lawn in front of a house having a picnic or something with these girls and they are getting frisky with me. It then dawns on me that Josie is inside the house and I look over to the front door. Josie has been standing there the whole time and is angry as hell. That is all I can remember. I know a lot of things happened in between but can't recall what happened.

WORK

Work is going to suck today. I have something over at the Country Club pool with three other people. That means we have to transport everything over there by hand and it's going to take a lot of time. It also means it's Country Club people over there and they are the rudest most self absorbed people in Tucson. Not looking forward to this at all. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about tonight when I get home. I also signed up to work at the pool watching the slide on my days off. It will be relatively slow so that means I will get to sit on my butt for about eight hours reading my book, drinking beverages, and making about $6.50 an hour. Not great money by any means but it is money and it's better than going out looking for part time work. I just watch the slide and make sure people are following the rules, and that nobody drowns of course. I watched the slide quite a bit during the summer two years ago and one day I only had one kid using the slide, but he used the slide all day long. He was an autistic kid who was about 14 years old and his name was Conner. His mother sat and talked to me for a long time until his dad came to watch him. Conner would talk to himself and sometimes he would pretend to be a porpoise. You know how they can kind of stand up above the water as they bob back and forth moving forward? Conner was trying to do this and making dolphin noises. It was strange.

PMS (PRETTY MISS SATAN)

Josie is the queen of foul attitudes when she is on her period. You could tell her that she just won the Power Ball lottery and she would tell you in her little Chicana accent, "You can kiss my ass!" So tonight I was helping Brandon with his homework which he is more than capable of doing but needs help slowing down and writing neatly. He doesn't need to turn his work in until next week but he's already almost done with it. So I'm making him rewrite a few numbers and he starts blowing me off. I have to repeat things like three times before I get his attention and then I reminded him that his teacher said the same thing, that he isn't listening correctly. Later, Josie in all her wisdom and wit says, "That teacher can suck my pussy! I feel like telling her to bite my bloody pad!" Of course this is the devil speaking through my wife as he always does one week out of the month. I told her she needs to calm down and tone the language down as well. She starts going on about how the teacher can chew on her pad and so on. I walked away at this point because I saw the movie "The Exorcist" and that is what Father Merrin would have done when Pazuzu taunted him. So I go to use the bathroom and there is stuff from the wastebasket ripped up and all over the floor. Obviously Nicky our Chihuahua got in there and reeked havoc while we were all in the dining room doing bills and homework. I yelled down the hall to Josie, "Hey Josie, how did Brandon's teacher get in here and do this?" She walks over and sees tissue paper and a bloody pad or two all torn up covering the carpet. I did get a laugh so don't tell me the devil has no sense of humor. I'm in love with the devil, dirty pad or not.

BETTER

Feeling much better now. I guess we are all allowed a little depression once in a great while. I can see how disabling depression could be if one were a manic depressive type. I should have just taken yesterday off but I needed the work. Anyway, thanks for the comments! They did help.

R.I.P JOHNNY CASH AND JOHN RITTER

Wow, two for one. I loved them both, believe it or not. If it hadn't been for Jack Tripper I would have never known what "gay" meant. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. I'll never forget listening to my fathers Johnny Cash records. It was the only country music other than Patsy Cline that I appreciated when I was growing up. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. That is the third loss in the world of entertainment this week. Always seems to come in threes.

COOL TUNES TODAY

Find Another Fool - Quarterflash

Endless Handbag - Lavender Hill Mob

Pre-Menstrual Princess Blues - Stormtroopers of Death

Imprint - Double Drive

Woo Ha - Busta Rhymes

Cuz Its Hot - My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Temptation - Heaven 17

911 AND MORE

Spent my day off at work today. I'm broke, what do you expect? I managed to knock over about 50 crates worth of minibar products first thing this morning setting the pace for the rest of the day. I basically went to work today because I was so depressed last night and it was all I could to to keep from going mad. Josie is not a new hurricane but rather my wife who is suffering the madness of PMS (hate week as I call it,) I'm broke as hell due to a shitty economy and a more than weak summer (no work, no money,) it's 9/11, and I just feel like shit. I ended up watching the movie phenomena with John Travolta last night and that didn't make me any happier either. So I worked today for a different department for a whole lot less than what I usually make and ended up working a whole hell of a lot harder than I had expected to. I was told last night that I would only be driving a cart. Today I was expected to lift, deliver, and retrieve products used in minibars at the resort. They stuck me with a guy who can't handle alcohol because of his religion so I got to do double while this idiot asked a lot of stupid questions. I won't be doing that again, trust me. One more slow week then business picks up, or that is what I'm told. So leave nice comments in the comment box because I really need cheering up! Even if you usually just read this page and never comment, please do. Trust me, I need cheering up.

CARS

Man, talk about a fisting! I just spent a grand total of $344 getting my alternator fixed on my car, plus the tow to the shop. The good news is that it was the alternator and not my frying my motor! I checked the oil on my car when it broke down the other night and it was registering that it was completely empty. I checked it again the next day when having it towed, still empty. Steve, my mechanic for the past twelve years, said the oil was fine. I guess my car must have been on a steeper incline that I had noticed and kept the oil away from the measuring stick. So relief knowing I still have a car, dread knowing that work has been next to nothing and I'm broke as hell and this is the worst time this could have happened. Thanks again Jesus! Good thing I have a 401(k) because I need to borrow money from myself now. Damn...

FOOTBALL

Yes, I won the first week of the football pool two years in a row! That basically means I play for free for the second year in a row. I'd like to thank Philadelphia for playing like crap last night, it really meant a lot to me. Funniest thing about the football pool is that I am one of those guys who knows next to nothing about sports. I'm lost when it comes to most sports. I do know a little about football though. It also gives me some kind of sadistic pleasure knowing I've won the football pool three times on one year and don't read sports, live sports, or hardly watch sports. There are guys at work who do nothing but talk sports and statistics and I'm consistently picking teams better than they are. I correctly picked 11 games out of 15, it's luck and intuition nothing more. So thanks for the $43 this week guys, and gals, I'm in first place off the bat again second year in a row! I'll stop gloating now.

911

Two more days and it's 9/11 again already. I'm glad I'm off from work this year and will be home by myself most of the day because I didn't expect to be as depressed as I was last year. I'm not an emotional person that often but there is just something about two years ago that really got a hold of me. We had a group in house of about 500 or more people for this computer technology convention and they had two giant screens set up at the front of the ballroom, one in each corner. It was hard enough getting Brandon to the baby sitter and Miranda to school then driving all the way to work knowing what had just happened, but standing in that room for the next four hours watching the footage and the news on those huge screens was just as surreal as it gets. Many of the people at that convention were from New York and quite a few of them either worked at the twin towers or knew someone who did. Everyone was devastated, and many were crying. So last year I didn't expect to be emotional or anything but it was all over the news again and it was all I could to to keep from crying. I had the same sick empty feeling in my stomach that I had the previous year. The same sick empty feeling I got when that guy got decapitated in front of us in traffic last year on the way to see that wonderful new Disney movie Snow Dogs. The same sick feeling I get every time something incredibly tragic happens. I'm really not looking forward to Thursday at all.

ROCK ON WARREN ZEVON!

Reuters | Click here

CAR TROUBLE

I'm so angry I could piss nails. I just spent the last hour and a half trying to get home. On the way home tonight my car decided to play dead. It's got to be electrical because the lights went dim, then no power. So I was going to try and thumb it into the city but being on the upscale side of town nobody wanted to stop and give me a ride. Remember, this is outside of town in the foothills and it's pitch black out there at night because there are no street lights. I started walking, thumb stuck out at some feeble attempt to attract attention (don't try this at home kids, it doesn't work) when after about half a mile later I gave up and approached someone's home and rang the door bell. Let me tell you something, these people were the nicest most genuine people I've met in a long time. I'm not just saying that because they helped me, they were super nice, all smiles, talked about the Resort because they saw the logo on my shirt, and offered help without looking bothered. They lent me their phone to call Josie then gave me a flash light and a ride back to my car to wait for her. Josie wasn't too thrilled about what had transpired so I told her to blame Jesus, because all things work to glorify him and complete his will. Yeah, whatever. So I returned the flashlight and made it safely back home.

SO IT WAS...

Tom is going to pick Josie up and give her a ride to work in the morning so that I can have a car. Tom's good people. Tom sounds a bit like a disgruntled and yet semi-retarded Jimmy Stuart. I'm not kidding, that's just how he sounds. I remember the first day I worked with him and the rest of the crew about eleven years ago. Everyone was doing that Jimmy Stuart voice, mocking the way Tom speaks but I didn't know, I just thought it was some new "in" thing that the general herd did to amuse themselves. So here I am talking back that way to Tom, thinking he too was in on the fun and games but not realizing that it was mockery. It wasn't until I did this again in front of Tom and a host of others that I was pulled aside and let in on the dark secret. Poor Tom. Tom slowly drove me insane for the next couple of years until I changed positions at work and started working the food service side of banquets. I also have to tell you about his signature move! To do it just do the voice saying, "So it was," while you make your hand like your hitching a ride (common theme tonight,) invert the thumb and jab your thumb into your ribs just under your armpit. He does this a lot, who knows why. It's like a nervous habit. Anyway, he's a good guy. God I'm still angry!

GUESS WHO DIDN'T COME BACK

Little miss "I need help so bad could you help me, I'm desperate!" didn't show up with my $20. Bitch! Someone needs hexed!! I'm never going to help anyone again in such a situation. I'm a sucker, plain and simple.

I'M A SUCKER

I'm a sucker. No, really I'm a sucker. Last night while we were eating the doorbell rang. I answered and there is this fairly attractive blond lady in her mid 20's standing there. She seemed a bit frantic and started telling me about how she was out of money and her kid was sick and she didn't have money for her medication. She told me she is a dancer at 10's (local strip club) an she hasn't worked in over a week due to sick kids. She promised she would pay me back if I lent her $20. Now seeing that I wasn't thinking straight I gave her the twenty, because I'm human and would hate to be stuck in the same situation. If I had been thinking I would have taken her to get the medication and just pay for it there. Here's the kicker, this is why I'm pretty sure I got fisted without any Vaseline. After I gave her the money I saw her walk down a bit where she met up with two extremely drugged out looking people. One was her sister, you could just tell by looking, the other was a black guy who I'm assuming is the brother-in-law she had mentioned to me. The girl who knocked on my door had a hint of white trash while the sister was totally marinated in it. They took off and I felt like following to get a license plate number, but didn't. I highly doubt that she will be stopping by to pay me back tonight. Josie wasn't to happy about it either. I think I'm just going to have to stick to my policy of being kind only to those who I see fit, those who truly deserve it. I'm not a Christian and have no need or the desire to be kind to everyone. Being a nice guy only leaves you holding your dick in the wind while meth addicts take your money and run. Hoo-hoo-hoo, go on take the money and run....

MONEY AND FILLING YOUR VESSEL

Worked a cocktail party with James tonight which could simply be the easiest function I've ever worked. We had potato chips, pretzels, party mix, and nuts to put out for around sixty people. That's it. We spent a lot of time talking about his latest trip to Thailand, religion, and current events. James is cool people, and he's not a mindless idiot like some of the people I work with. At the end of the evening he comes over to me and holds up a wad of cash and starts thumbing through it like he's going to pay for something, I notice a bunch of $100 bills and I'm sure I made some stupid remark about what he was going to to with all that cash. He tells me he found it on the floor. I asked if he was pulling my leg and he insisted that he just found it. There must have been over $500 worth of cash in this money clip. So, he handed it to the guy who seemed to be hosting the party and he ran after the guy who it belonged to. Now if it was my money and I dropped that much cash on the ground and you found it and brought it back to me I think I'd be tipping you a minimum of $20! That didn't happen though. So we finished up work and went over to catch the last of the football game with Dennis at his house. ShamBam was there and I guess we had just missed Joe R. by about five minutes. Game ended and James had to get going. We turned on the public access cable channel and started watching a closeted gay guy talking about how great Jesus is. I'm not kidding! The background was even decorated to achieve maximum gayness. This guy kept talking about how he was a vessel and god was filling his vessel everyday. He went on and on about how god could fill your vessel too if you would only let him. I started to think it was a skit at one point, but it wasn't. Calling this guy redundant would be an understatement. I take it that god's filling a lot of vessels these days. Then he started talking about the flesh. Oh the dreaded flesh! The sins of the flesh, more filling, dirty thoughts, more filling, if you can only resist, filling, impure worldly thoughts, filling, filling, filling. Damn dude, go out and get yourself some hot little stud boy and do your own filling. It's too bad Dennis quit drinking five years ago becuase there was a drinking game involved in this, you simply take a swig every time he says filling. So my advice to this young lad who was blathering away tonight on public access is the following. Stop with the lisp and flailing your hands and wrists in that manner, it's not a strong selling point. Quit worrying about the sins of the flesh and the impure thoughts, just go with it. We came to the conclusion that your repressing your true feelings, it's more than obvious. Take a deep breath and go with it, it will be okay.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

This mornings dream was a bit weird. I dreamt I was at the park in Burwell Nebraska up where the small dam is just above the parks pond. Some kind of ritual was going on involving either government people or upper management from work. In the ritual about eight or ten people are standing in a line, all with their arms around each other. They descend into the water walking backwards then float out into the small reservoir. Next I'm over by the river where the spill way from the dam is and I'm hoping nobody is stupid enough to try and swim through it. Back in the late 70's some people had tried to take their canoes through it and some people almost drowned. So back to the dream. I'm watching the spill way and a body floats through. The body makes it past the spillway and floats to the edge of the river where I jump in a pull it onto the bank. It's still warm but I can find no pulse. The body is of a rather large male, very muscular. The guy wakes up and asks what happened, I tell him and he thanks me for saving his life. Seems as if he is really drunk, he told me he had just passed out near the damn. Things kind of go into weird dream mode and I'm near the same spot where this girl is spray painting something on a billboard. It's some kind of gang symbol that she is painting over, signifying that a murder wasn't successful. Seems his girlfriend had tried to whack him by pushing his drunk ass into the water. The next think I see is this small gang in a 70's Chevey convertible with the top down. They are on the dirt road between the ballpark and the park near the kids play area. The guy I pulled from the river is now intoxicated beyond all belief and is suicidal. As they take off he throws his arms in the air like he is on a roller coaster or at some kind of religious sermon doing the whole take me Jesus thing. That's when I woke up.

MURDERING MURDERERS WHO
MURDER MURDERERS

Gonna smile, I'm gonna laugh
they're gonna want my autograph
And in a moment of passion
get the glory like Charles Manson
You gotta go go go go goodbye
Glad to see you go go go go goodbye
Goodbye
From the Ramones song "Glad To See You Go"

Looks like Paul Hill won't be murdering anymore people. Funny how he thought "god" approved of his behavior. I guess he's just emulating his own god's behavior. Of course he knew god's mind, and god told him to do it so that frees him of any personal responsibility. It's not like he hurt anyone else when he killed two people. I'm amazed at how many people have fooled themselves into thinking they have gained favor with god. They know what god wants, they are free from guilt because they are god's favorites and give little thought to other peoples rights or beliefs. My beliefs are trodden upon everyday by the so called oppressed religious right and they don't think twice about it or blink a lash. They wish a nasty fiery hell upon me not just for a little while, but for all eternity. Man, isn't that love? Try being an Atheist in public for one day and then you can come back and cry on my shoulder. Anyway, like it or not Paul is gone for good, and the world is a better place today because there is one less idiot roaming the streets, or sucking up valuable tax dollars.

MIX IT

Made this tonight. Don't know how long it will be up so grab it while you can. This is for Melly and Yvonne.

MELLY MIX

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I just woke up a couple of minutes ago from an extremely long, bizarre, and drawn out dream so excuse me if this is a bit random or mistyped. I can't even see straight yet but thought I'd better type this out before I forget. The first part of the dream I was in Burwell Nebraska traveling to Ord Nebraska to play the golf course there. I was talking to someone, I think my brother, about the changes they had made to the course, especially the first hole tee area. This happened in reality, saw it when we went on vacation this year. Next thing I know I'm back on the road headed to Ord again to play golf. I think my dad paid in advance and it was almost like a chore I had to do. I think there was a conversation with me telling him I was only playing nine holes and nothing more. I get there and tee off. Next thing I know I'm down on the fairway and it's late at night. There seems to be an outdoor theater set up or some kind of party going on outside on the dark fairway. A cute brunette in a sun dress and denim vest picks up my ball and shows it to me. I hit the ball again and I'm on the green. The dream becomes kind of obscure at this point and I'm trying to putt but the green keeps changing into weird shapes, almost Dr. Seuss like shapes. Just one of those weird dream sequences. I was with Josie I think. At some point in the dream before this point I was going to skip playing golf and go get a chocolate shake at Dairy Queen. It was a long jumbled dream and I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight. So I played hole one and next thing I know I'm in a golf cart near hole seven with an older lady who I believe is Bea Arthur. It gets jumbled up pretty bad at this point and I'm in the backyard of someone's home. I think it's Phillis Diller's home but I'm not sure. I remember being inside by a fireplace sitting in front of it. It's in a corner and kind of round shaped. There is a lazy susan inside the fireplace with three or four tiers. On it is very rich cocktail foods like Chicken Wellington with a white sauce and some kind of German apple puff pastry. There is all kinds of rich food on this tray but can't remember what they were. Then I'm at a wooden table with about eight older ladies, some kind of high society breakfast tea party where everyone is in their pajamas. I'm cracking jokes and entertaining the masses while we eat and play cards. One of the ladies is either Bea Arthur or Phillis Diller. Dream shifts again and I'm entering the same house with some girl who is my sister (I have no sister in real life) and it seems like there is a huge party going on. We get inside and realize it's not a huge party, it's only a fan or the t.v. making this huge noise that sounds like a crowd of people, but weird noises are coming from upstairs. Upon further investigation we go up the stairs and find out it's Jeffery Tambor the actor from The Ropers t.v. sitcom (the guy with the bald head), who is my dad, dressed up in bondage attire with a woman who is tied up. I believe she  is supposed to be my mother. That part of the dream ends. I'm back at the clubhouse where the golf course is and I'm behind the counter helping myself to things. Three teenage boys who work there walk in. It's no concern to them and we're talking about the Ord football team. I'm pouring myself a Sprite or something to drink. Dream shifts again and I'm at a fast food joint that looks like a McDonnalds. It's actually a pizza place and I've ordered a Hawaiian pizza which is ham and pineapple pizza in the dream, and a pepperoni pizza. The kid who takes my order is kind of confused about the order. I'm waiting for a long time and then my order is up. The bill is $20.00 and I pay it. The guy that brings the pizza is the owner who seems to know me and thanks me for being a regular customer and presents me with one pizza. I open it up and it's the pepperoni pizza, but then I ask where the other pizza is. They look on the chit to see what I had ordered and then look to see where the second pizza is but to no avail. I then find out that I have only been charged for one medium pizza with a  $10.00 gratuity added on to it. I can feel the anger roiling inside me and heads are going to roll! This is where I woke up, walked in here, then started typing this all out. Fucking bizarre.