My Friend

Wouldn't this all just be better if I were no longer here. I'm worthless at this point, I can hardly control my body. I'm tired of crying.

CLASSIC

So, the journey begins again. Looks like this is going to happen in the next few months. I'm stoked. Joined a guild, secured a spot as a hunter for raiding. Will try to post pictures and so forth as this progresses.

FAMILY

Things got better. Had a talk with them all a few months back and told them I was tired of feeling like I was nobody. I think they understood.

WORK

I may not be working any more. I'm just too frail at this point to do what I've done all these years. 27 and 1/2 years. The heart transplant and everything this past four years has ground me to dirt. I just can't  do it anymore. I'll die if I do.

Work

Time to keep tabs on getting screwed at work. Today, I was scheduled for a dinner shift. Got there, no function. Nobody told me it was canceled. I also put in PTO recently and it never got processed. Will be taking pictures of completed paper work from now on.

 

When did this all start? I had to start thinking about how this all started because I just can't handle realty any more. It started with  my childhood. Weird shit that happened, being bullied by people I grew up with, family, teachers, religion. But the breaking point happened when I found out that my wife had been cheating on me, for the second time, at least as far as I know. 

My wife admitted to an affair with some white guy, and now says she never said any such thing. The constant lying coupled with the knowledge, I have pictures of someone I know texting her about eating her pussy, that she constantly cheats on me, yeah, that was when I broke. I still cry about it all, even though less often. The person who went on and on about needing to be married, the person I though was my best friend, decided that fucking other guys was what she needed. The person who can't be intimate with me on a normal level, due to a rape she told me happened when she was six, by her brother who just happened to die last week and is being buried tomorrow. I married an unfaithful pathological liar.

I found out about the rape and affair after pressing for information after being lied to about where she had been, and who she had been with one day. She told me she was going to go do stuff with her niece, but then said niece called me at work and asked if I had seen my wife. I explained that she had called me an hour earlier and said she was shopping with said niece. Niece expressed she had not talked to my wife in weeks. A week before she had lied about cleaning a house. I bumped into the person who owns that house, later that day and they asked how Josie was doing. My wife told me she bought her lunch that day, so I mentioned them having lunch and was told, no, I haven't seen your wife in a couple of weeks. Her leaving for hours to go hang with people that never came around anymore, that couldn't get on the phone to say hi. They were always outside, or using the bathroom, or not able to say hi. This wasn't me being snoopy either, it was just her carelessness and lying manifesting itself in every day life. I left work that day and confronted my wife who told me not only had she been having an affair with some guy she met at a bar, but also admitted that she had been raped when she was six by her brother. She now denies this conversation ever happened. She lives in a world of constant lies that can't be confirmed and don't jive with reality.

So, I moved on. Forgiveness right? Well, a couple of years later the pattern starts again. This time I get her phone when she walks away and find texting between her and a co worker about being in love, and how (in broken English) he couldn't wait to eat her pussy and I think an attempt at saying clitoris. That is the point my life changed. That broke me.  That is the starting point of all of this. I had a heart attack soon after and didn't know it. My second heart attack and the cause of my current condition happened a couple of years later.

I have had a sexless relationship void of intimacy with my wife since then, nor will I ever have that type of relationship with her ever again. I've asked for a divorce and she will not give me one.

So, that is when I broke. I'm beyond repair physically and mentally at this point. I couldn't have an intimate relationship with anyone ever again at this point. I've also come to realize that I no longer enjoy the company of most people. I don't trust anyone any more. The sooner I am gone the better.

I FEEL HOPELESS

Thinking of just ending it. Nobody  really cares. Going over in my head reasons to stay. My animals are one. My family doesn't care so fuck that. People at work don't really, fuck them. I don't like the current stated of the world at all. I'm just at a lost for words. I  have to type this out, if anything, to keep myself from just giving up. I'm pretty close. So for now, I'm isolating myself in my room. I don't want anything to do with anybody, I have given up. Nobody listened to anything I said when I came home from the hospital. Nobody cares. Why should I? Change my mind....

Time to just throw in the towel?

Nobody cares. Nobody listens. I state my case and all I get is, excuses on why people in my house can't get jobs and help out here. I'm getting depressed again. I won't waist away this time. It will be quick, over with, and everyone will just be fucked. That is my current situation.

BANG YOUR HEAD

I have a level of frustration that isn't going away. I  just don't see things changing for the better. Same old behaviors, same old story. I don't see me getting better with all this. Fucking make it end... Nobody really cares.

DO I NEED ANY?

So who needs friends? I guess we all do. I don't have a ton of friends these days. After my heart attack and then transplant I started to push people away. It was just easier to do that with all that was going on. I really began to see just how petty others are. Hey, I get it, we are all shitty in the long run, me included so I'm not being delusional or narcissist. But, the miles of crocodile  tears and false concern I had to wade through was astounding. People publicly crying about my condition were the first to display passive aggressive attitudes with snide comments. People you thought cared really didn't.

So, I just hit round three of trying to die this past few weeks. I survived but at what cost? It was a combination of things that caused this, but depression played into it deep. I feel isolated with no way out, or at least I was. I was bothered by the lack of concern from others on so many levels that I just didn't see why I should have any either. So called friends, family, associates, dealing with shitty insurance. It piled up and it got the best of me.

Today is a new day. I trudge on. Maybe it's time to make new friends and just say FUCK THE HATERS. It's my life, why should I care what shit people think. If you don't like me or my situation, then just stay the fuck away, you were never my friend anyway, no matter how you convinced yourself you were.

NIGHTMARE X 2

Was having a dream where this octopus type monster was after everyone. Was in a town like the town I grew up in, but was also a huge school campus with a lot of buildings. This being could transfer into human form when it wanted to. There were also these space ships finding people and kind of beaming up, or capturing people. I ended up in this weird staircase interracial teen couple, white girl and a black boy. There were there just hiding to make out, but I was trying not to die. They got the boy. I ran out into the street and the monster was hot on my tail. Some fat lady was going in the opposite direction, and I tried to warn her but she got snarky. The monster got her in the street, basically in front of the old five and dime store. Tried to warn a couple of cars gong that way, and they too were snarky. I was going to jack one of the cars so that I could run over the monster who was no in human form, ripping apart the fat lady, but the lady in the car was not going to get out, so I tried to drive the car as I was clinging to the outside of the drivers side. This failed and the car stopped just in front of the monster. More chasing. I ended up on top of a building in some secret control room that was like a cockpit of some flying ship or something. They extracted me, and then the scene panned out like in a movie, and the whole city was  being invaded, and everyone was being taken away as some alien race plunders our planet for everything, humans and all as some kind of resources they needed.

Then suddenly, I was in a library, talking with some people about how aliens wouldn't look anything like us, or be anything like us if they came from a different universe, or even galaxy. Then it was clear that the library was part of some paranormal investigators office, and I was setting off some electronic device used to detect certain types of electromagnetic waves. This wasn't normal, and the device was emitting an unusual noise indicating that it was at max capacity on it's detection chart. The noise turned into my daughters voice crying out,  "DAD!" in a very worried state. I tried to call her and couldn't reach her, and I started to panic. This is where the dream ended as it wok me up.

David Bowie- 03 Moonage Daydream

I don't post here often any more. Today is truly a sad day for me. One of my heroes has died. I'm sad I never got to meet him.

An Oxford Education - Night Tracks 1.0 on Darkryde Radio

SCROLL DOWN AND CLICK ON SHOW #10
 
1.   Talking Heads - Burning Down The House
2.   Ofra Haza - Im Nin Alu
3.   David Bowie - Let's Dance
4.   U2 - New Years Day
5.   Donald Fagen - New Frontier
6.   Rod Stewart - Passion
7.   The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me
8.   Michael Nesmith - Cruisin'
9.   Duran Duran - Rio
10. Loverboy - When It's Over
11. Caameo - She's Strange
12. Flock Of Seagulls - Wishing

PLEASE LISTEN TO: AN OXFORD EDUCATION. CLICK ON SHOW #10

An Oxford Education Radio Show

1.   Jethro Tull - Dark Ages - Stormwatch
2.   Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - Mary Jane's Last Dance
3.   David Gilmour - There-s No Way Out Of Here
4.   Genesis - Home By The Sea
5.   Roger Waters - Who Needs Information
6.   The Police  - Shadows in the rain
7.   John Lennon - Well Well Well
8.   Yes - Yours Is No Disgrace
9.   Paul McCartney - Let Me Roll It
10. Alan Parsons Project - The Raven

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I was dreaming I was at a very rich lady's house. It was heavily decorated in south west fashion. Lot's of south west colors and pottery. I was wondering around a lot. At one point there was some young chef from work who was being let go of his job and he was heavily stressed about it. I convinced him to talk the main chef from work to let him have another try at it, and said chef just happens to show up on the scene at that moment. He asks and the main chef makes him sign some package binding him to the job some how. The young chef signs it, and the second he does, he is fooled into cooking some banquet party for a bunch of gypsies right away. It's as if he signed his soul away for something he wasn't prepared for and the chef makes him start cooking and decorating. All of these gypsy ladies show up dressed up in the fitting garb, all ready to celibate and have a good time (no song plagiarism going on here...) as the young chef frantically prepares for the party. I'm taken in with the party as if I belong there. My mom shows up, and I see my daughter enter the court yard in the distance.  At one point I'm being lead away by one of the gypsies that is going to show me something. My mom is with me. I get the feeling that this is somehow a set up for a human sacrifice and this is what the party is all about. There is more to it, I just can't recall it. I woke up at this point. I don't think I was in danger but felt my mother and daughter were for some reason....

DREAMLAND

So I dreamed that I had discovered a small plesiosaurus in a pond that was drying up. I was going to save it, and some other small dinosaur in this pond. I suddenly notice the head of another dinosaur buried in the mud. I try to free it and it tries to attack me. It then attacks the plesiosaurus and I get a small ice scoop like we use at work to hit it, trying to free the small plesiosaurus. I realize that it is probably going to die now. I think the pond had something to do with the grade school gymnasium I went to as a kid... too weird...

TAROT BLOG

I have a new blog, and it's about my feelings on The Tarot. THIS IS THE LINK.

LAMB - SMALL

New Find. I really love this song. Sorry I don't post much here, but you can find me on Facebook. Just ask and I'll add you.

HOT JAPMUSHROOM RAP

The dream as I remember it. First person view, traditional Japanese dining setting. I was on one side of the table, and four hot Japanese chicks decked out in traditional geisha regalia on the other. Yes, I used the word regalia. I was serving these perfect looking mushrooms from a clay pot that seemed to be lit from inside. The mushrooms were a reddish brown on top, kind of off cream colored white on the bottom. The Pot was white inside, brownish on the outside. The mushrooms must have been in some sort of broth or miso. We were all rapping or reciting poems about the mushrooms. Lots of smiling.

DIE ANTWOORD - EVIL BOY

The new video from Die Antwoord!! So much win!

R3mote - Shadows That You Know

Old, but great cold wave from the new millennium!

High On Fire "Frost Hammer" directors cut / Album In Stores & Online Now!

I'm so in love with this band all of a sudden.... Makes me want to... ah... all like Viking and stuff.... Check out the lyrics at the bottom.




Lyrics to Frost Hammer :
Dream being thrown down aloft between from the icy sky
Careful what to seek for inside the frozen mind
Permaglaze reflects this world distant to the thawed life
Frost clan blows the war horn without a fear or guise

Messiah of the glacian heir cold born to rise
Sullen boots impact upon deep the tundra ice
Glorify your greatness, sealed deal cold compromise
Catch the sun to melt these forborne galactic eyes

Plateau of Leng
Winter in veins Hammers arise
To melt through the ice
Dream being thrown down aloft from the icy sky
Careful what to seek for inside the frozen mind
Permaglaze reflects this world distant to the thawed life
Frost clan blows the war horn without a fear or guise
Messiah of the glacian heir cold born to rise
Sullen boots impact upon deep the tundra ice
Glorify your greatness, sealed deal cold compromise
Catch the sun to melt these forborne galactic eyes

Plateau of Leng
Winter in veins
Hammers arise
To melt through the ice

Sail the seas of endless night
Despotic warlord casts his blight
Sons of the north abide
Frost child of abhorrent line
Feed the serpent, drink the wine
Granite heart, unrepentant

Frost Hammer
Frost Hammer
Frost Hammer
Frost Hammer

Plateau of Leng
Winter in veins
Hammers arise
To melt through the ice

Frost Hammer