SADNESS....

My heart breaks. For humanity,  for this planet. My brother in law died two days ago. I would gladly give up my life this very second to bring him back, give him a second chance. I'm tired of being sad, nobody to talk to. I've broken off the friendship with my own mother this month. I only wanted to talk about things from the past. Verbal abuse, physical abuse at home and in school. Other weird shit that happened when I was a kid. Instead of any hope of any conversation, she chose to call me a liar. I only wanted to hear her say that she was sorry. Why the fuck did I think that I matter enough to be listened to. I hate this ugly fucking piece of shit planet. The universe will be better off once we are gone.

THINGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

Just sitting here in self pity. Where was mine? What was all the self sacrifice for? I missed too many chances for the sake of what I thought was right. Was that the right choice? Is there an alternate reality where I live happily ever after? The final answer for all questions left unanswered.... I don't know.

LONELINESS

I don't remember ever feeling so isolated in my entire life. Religion, politics, friends, family, life. I know it comes down to me. I got sick. I almost died. I can no longer work. Going out is dangerous for my health, and with this virus starting to grab hold, and I'm in one of the states that is now reporting it's spread, my options are limited. I'm tired of living, feeling, thinking, crying. Someone shoot me in the head, make it stop. The only thing keeping me alive are my pets. They have an unconditional love. It's the ONLY reason.

YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER, YOU BET.....

I'm in a better place. Things are indeed better at this moment. I looks like I got approved for SSDI after almost a year. Not as angry and hurt by everything as much as I was the past couple of years. I had to accept the fact that I had a heart transplant, I'm not the person I was, I can't work anymore. Still, I'm emotional as hell. It's the steroids I'm sure. They have altered me. The slightest thing makes me cry, or at least drives me in that direction. Music, my love for pets, stuff like that. I'm glad I'm still alive, but I want to be me, the old me. Fuck, I'd do it all different, dick in the air and bold as hell.  Don't let your mind fuck you out of enjoying life. Don't let religion hinder you, rob you of epic moments, make you doubt your worth. Go ask that guy, or girl if they want to go see a movie. Take that trip you have been thinking of. Do what makes you happy. Fuck what people think, enjoy being  you, just be you. It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, brown, white, yellow, fat, skinny, or like in my case, just a silly rude bastard.

I'm SORRY!

I have been a bit too much as of late. I love my pets, but I bopped two of them too hard the past few days. I hit The Bean and Monkey both on the head, and harder than I wanted too. Both bit me. Bean, in a fight with her sister Pookie, and I tried to break it up. I bopped her on the head to get her to stop. Monkey, bit my hand because He does it when you pet him sometimes. He gets so into it that he ends up doing a bite. He knows he isn't supposed to, but will do it anyway. So, I got both of them, in a matter of a day or so. I am so ashamed of this that I've sat here crying over it. They both know I love them, but I hate the fact that I hit them in any capacity. I don't think I will do it ever again. This has caused me more pain and self hatred than I can even admit. It makes me hate myself. I don't deserve to have such fine entities living here.