PHONES RINGING

I want to apologize to the phone solicitor that called my house. I know your just trying to make your minimum wage by calling up busy people and trying to sell them the local paper, but you need to hang up when the person on the other end fucks with you. I'm sorry I asked you to come over and fuck me up the ass. I'm sorry I mocked your seven day - thirteen week special, and that I said it would be special if you came over and fucked me, but really, just hang up when you get flustered. I'm sorry I accused you of wanting to come over and do me like a schoolgirl when you asked for my address, and that I lied and said my name was Ted Johnson. I'm also sorry you called in your supervisor and that I told him you were trying to date rape me. Next time just hang up, or do yourself a favor and remove me from your precious little phone list. Oh, I also lied when I said I'd been had by the entire U of A football team, I'm just a tease.

I HAD GAS

O.k. this is the lowdown, the gas company came to my house and turned off my gas. My pipes were corroded and dangerous I can comprehend that, but why the hell do they come to their customers and try to rape them in the process? Seriously, $700 to fix a gas line? Well, I've been talking to people who can do this job and they are telling me that the gas company is trying to do me up the ass without any lubricant and failing to give me a well deserved reach around in the process. So Luis and I started digging the trench this evening and we will finish it in the morning. I have a plumber coming to give me an estimate in the morning to put the pipe in. So it should end up costing me less than $300 in the long run. So I feel better about that. My car on the other hand started making the worst noise in the world a few nights ago. On the way to the mechanic it stopped making the noise and seems fine now; He's going to take a look at it to see if the belt is just loose or not. I hope nothing is wrong, I just couldn't afford it. Are there any millionaires out there that have any spare cash they want to throw at a helpless blatherskite? I need it if you don't want it, seriously!

POPPIES WILL MAKE THEM SLEEP

I've been sleeping better than I have in a long time. I have been getting to bed around ten or so and getting at least eight hours of sleep for a change.  Why? Who the hell knows. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS

What else can go wrong? My car that just got fixed broke down again, same problem. So I need to get the alternator fixed which should be under warrantee but I'm sure will cost me money and then we started smelling gas in the back yard. Natural Gas leak, they turned our gas off and I have to wait to talk to an engineer from the city gas company to get an estimate. So that means we are without gas for the next week or so, basically. Heating bath water by microwave should be a fun time. The guy that came here to check out the gas smell said it would cost close to $1000. Double fuck! At this point it's almost like there is a conspiracy to see if they (whoever that could be) can break Joe. What next, this is definitely one of the worst months of one of the worst years for me financially. Seriously, what next? I think at this point I'm going to basic service as far as television is concerned, and I might just have to get rid of the internet. Just can't live this way much longer if work doesn't pick up.

NEW SONG

Yvonne at Aged and Confused was having a contest about what she should be for Halloween and the choice for COCK was winning out. I told her to send a wav file about it and I would make a song out of it. So here it is folks! Enjoy. I can post the Melly Mix song again if anyone wanted to download it.

Here is the remix of "If I had a cock." This is what I came up with this afternoon.


Shyzmattic - If I had a cock(constant boner mix).mp3

YUMMY?

I stayed home and cooked today. I made "Wendy's" chili from a recipe I found on the net. Damn I can cook. I also modified it a bit with jalapeno peppers which gave it a nice edge, but not too spicy. Four hours later it came out really good! Miranda liked it, as did Josie. Brandon had one of those ramen noodle styro cup things again. Brandon wasn't about to touch anything that is labeled "chili" because Tabasco is made with chili peppers and he knows how hot that can be. I love Tabasco by the way, but didn't use any in the chili I made today. I got Brandon to try peanut butter with pickles tonight. He loved it! I'm telling you, nothing goes better with a bowl of chile than a peanut butter sandwich and dill pickles. Miranda likes the peanut butter pickle combo as well. Josie thought we were all stark raving mad. The whole chili, pickle, and peanut butter combo came about through the Burwell Nebraska school cafeteria. They use to serve it on Wednesdays every other week when I was in elementary school. I also found some great ideas on how to make Carne Asada on the net. I'm one hell of a good cook according to Josie's brother Luis. He says I cook Mexican food better than a lot of Mexicans he knows. Cooking is just simple science. So I'm going to make some Carne Asada tacos tomorrow night. I am also surfing the net trying to find the best way to make refried beans. I also have one parting word for you. GAS! It's wicked foul, Yo!!!!

BACK IN BLACK

Aright bitches, been a bit busy at work but that is o.k. because I need the money so bad that it hurts. A lot of things happening all of a sudden, funny how it all happens at once. We got a new Teacup Chihuahua from my niece two days ago. Her husband found it wondering the streets a couple of weeks ago and picked it up then took it home. I don't think this dog has been being fed properly for a long time because he's pretty skinny and he is a small dog. This little guy is so tiny that we named him just that, Tiny. He's the most lovable little dog I've ever had, I'm not fucking with you! God, what a stroke of good luck, he's a great dog. I have to add this before I post this. Miranda and I just discovered that this dog will not respond to any given name we have thrown out to him other than Killer. Funny but true. I think Tiny just became Killer. Not my choice but he seems to respond to this. Very funny anyway. I wonder why someone would let this dog just wander around and not feed it or take him to a shelter or something. He has already gained some weight and is eating well now. On the other hand Nala, our Labrador mix is sick and I think we are going to have to put her down soon. Josie doesn't want to but Nala has cancer on her nose and it's getting worse. The vet told us nothing could be done. Her poor nose hurts her bad enough and if she starts to act real sick I'm not going to let her suffer. When that happens this room is going to be converted to a bedroom office for yours truly. Right now it's the dogs room and my computer room. I love my wife but I also love to sleep by myself. She knows where to find me for all that hot sex action that you read about in Penthouse magazine anyway so don't you fret! She came home early today from work and this is how it went:

Dear Penthouse,

I have to share this story with you and please let your readers know this is a true account of my passion, not just some steamy story dreamt up for your avid readers. This morning I was doing a whole lot of nothing. I live in the desert and it's been raining for two days now so there wasn't much going on for me on my day off from work other than listening to music and watching television. I decided at one point to get up and clean the house so that my wife would find it to her liking when she got home from work. This was an easy task seeing that my wife is a clean freak and I only had to straighten up and do some dishes. As soon as I had achieved this small task I decided to take a shower. I put on some music relatively loud so that I could hear it above the splashing water in the shower. I started to lather my body up with a rather nicely scented men's soap, slowly working the silky suds all over my body. The hot water caressed me from behind as the steam seemed to penetrate my every pore. Suddenly a voice from beyond the shower curtain whispered "I'm home from work already, are you ready?" My wife emerged naked from behind this curtain. She gazed into my eyes as her fragile hands grasped at my nine inches of manhood.....

Now it really did happen this way up to the part where my wife walked into the bathroom and announced she was home early. And why does the guy always have a nine inch cock in those stories? Needless to say, I got lucky this morning and it was whole lot of fun being able to have sex without any kids knocking on locked doors or being afraid of making a little noise and waking the kids up. I may be hearing things but I think my wife called me Captain Carl at one point. I need glasses.

INSTANT MESSAGE I JUST GOT

Darcy76543210211:

Hey shyven1666,

Gay men who do the nasty on a bus! This site is a MUST see!!!!

Ah..... Gee...... Thanks?

WORK

Dana Carvey was the entertainment last night at the dinner we served for Information Week. Hewlett Packard was the sponsor for last nights dinner and they spent some major bucks. Last year they had Bill Cosby. Anyway, Dana Carvey was hilarious, the meeting planners told me I rocked, and I had it out with one of the old hags at work so it was a good day. I told an old lady to mind her own business and that I was more than capable of doing my job without comments all day. That's all I said, now she isn't speaking to me. Praise Jesus!

SONGS DU JOUR

Morrisey - We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Crybaby Soundtrack - King Cry Baby

Little Richard - Long Tall Sally

Ween - strap on the jammy pac

The Beatles - I Dig A Pony

King Diamond - The 7th Day Of July 1777

Skinny Puppy - Yes He Ran

Mortiis - Parasite God

Kraftwerk - Antenna

TOP 5

Anyone watch TOP 5 on FOOD NETWORK last night? The #4 Swim Up Pool was at our resort. So if you watched you got to see where I've been hanging out on my days off this past week. I have to work another double shift today so I have to cut this short. Remember, Jesus loves you! Wait, no he doesn't, I was just kidding. Don't get too close to the fire now...

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SONGS- NIGHT OF THE DEMON

Someone e-mailed me after I posted the MELLY MIX song and asked if I did any other songs. I though I would post one here and there so that you can take a listen. This is just me messing around having fun, wish I had better equipment and other musicians around to make it sound a lot better. Enjoy

Night of the Demon.mp3

NEW BEGINNING

It's official! Miranda became a teenager around 9:00 a.m. this morning. Jesus, does this mean I'm getting old? Nah, how could a Cradle of Filth loving fat bastard goth wanna be dad be old? She really is a great kid, I couldn't ever express in mere mortal words how much I love her. She's going to break some hearts too. Her cousin Ema is staying the night tonight and stayed last night as well. The are both Chicana and Anglo mix. There is something about mixing the two gene pools that comes out with startling results. They look a lot a like, but Miranda is just a wee bit smaller becuase she takes after her petite mother, but both are extremely pretty girls. Miranda got her report card yesterday, and even though it's not quite as good as last year it's not bad. All Bs so far. I hope she can turn the majority of them into As like last year. Brandon is doing real good too. He just needs to mellow out and not be such a six year old little boy. The key word being SPASTIC!

BEYOND DREAM WEIRDNESS

Don't know what happened but I had the most restless night full of weird dreams I can remember in a long time, all very vivid and just plain wacky! The first dream I had was me and this dwarf chick, who really wasn't a dwarf just very petite (dream dictated that she was a dwarf) were making a porn flick. She was pretty damn hot and we were just going through the motions because we were making a movie. Jesus Christ, it gets weirder. The next dream was about me working a cater out function in a wild west setting. This function I was working was for a well known local car dealer named Jim Click. Inside one of the buildings was tons of professional wrestling history paraphernalia. There were photographs and all kinds of wrestling rings dating back to the early 1900's. I was in one of the rings doing flips and jumps from the top ring rope. This car dealer and I struck up a conversation about wrestling and we were both amazed at how much each other knew about professional wrestling. We ended up becoming good friends and we did on of those "let's do lunch" kind of partings. Next dream I was up in a cabin or house in the woods with Madonna and some other girl. Madonna was all decked out in one of her naughty little outfits. Well the dream got real naughty and I ended up giving Madonna the business so to speak. The other girl was just there coaching us. It was a very raunchy dream so I'll leave it at that. I rarely have sex dreams but to have two in one night? I guess I'm not getting enough in real life or something. Madonna is a naughty girl indeed!

PRICE CHECK!

I was whistling at Josie at the grocery store to get her attention and to pester her a little at the same time. I was at the end of the isle and had been waiting for her so that is why I started whistling. All of a sudden this gorgeous blond on the next isle pops her head around and asks if I'm whistling at her. I started to giggle and told her no, that I was pestering my wife. She smiled real big and said "Oh, I thought you were trying to get MY attention." Man she was hot! I wonder what she would have said if I had told her that I was trying to get her attention.

RED LIGHT MEANS STOP

What's up with people in traffic singing karaoke style at red lights? If you can sing I wouldn't mind, but singing songs by Chicago off key and at the top of your lungs with your windows down should be a federal offence of some type. And don't look so surprised when I look over at you because your going to get funny looks from everybody squawking out loud like that.

TWISTING BY THE POOL PART II

Six more hours at the pool today! Ye haw! And not a single person went down that damn slide (pictured below) for the first five hours. Hour six I had about ten people going down. I was yelling at adults not to run around the pool. I drank a ton of lemon aid today while reading. That was my day. Got home and Brandon is sick. I'm keeping him home tomorrow because he sounds like one of those old blues singers. Poor little guy felt so sick that he passed out around eight tonight.

TWISTING BY THE POOL

Spent six hours yesterday sitting in the shade watching the water slide. Five people went down that bitch in six hours. So I spent quality time reading a book. Today holds the same promise, with even fewer people at the pool. I'll be drinking lemon aid and reading. Can you feel the excitement?

GLASS FROM WHERE?

When I woke up this morning I had a tiny pain on my back. I thought maybe it was a cut or something and it was in a spot I couldn't see in the mirror. I ended up feeling around and found the spot on my back, and it felt weird. It felt like a tiny scab or an ingrown hair. I finally got a hold on whatever it was and it turned out to be a piece of glass that was more than a quarter inch long and very very thin. At least I think it was glass. Now how in the hell did that piece of glass get there first of all. Second, where did it come from. Third, I would have felt something that long going in so why don't I remember anything sticking me in the back there. I'm puzzled to say the least. It's times like these that you want to give those who said they have been abducted by aliens a little nod or something. I really can't imagine how that thing got in my back without me noticing.

MUCH BETTER

Been kind of busy the past couple of days so I didn't sit down and take time to type anything out. Work is picking up slightly so that is good, plus I picked up watching the water slide at the pool tomorrow and the next day mainly to get hours. I need to have a minimum of 1440 hours a year to remain full time in my current position at work and I'm still about 400 hours away.  So I have no days off this week but it's money I otherwise wouldn't have had. I also tapped into my 401(k) to make sure I didn't go into the red this month. So I'm not sot depressed anymore. The next two years of business are shaping up already so that looks good too. I'm now also part of the safety committee at work. Josie is jealous as hell because the other person from our department that is on the safety committee is Diane and Josie feels threatened by her for some reason. She's even had dreams that I was getting it on with Diane and she walked in on us. Weird. So when Josie found out I was on the committee with Diane she just about went through the roof. Easy honey, it's a safety committee, not a weekend romp in a downtown hotel.

MORE DREAMS

I had a dream last night that a god was speaking to me or a group of people including me. He took on the form of a giant black hole that was swallowing an entire galaxy. Don't know what this god was saying but I remember the conversation being telepathic. When the god was speaking there was a glowing light coming from the event horizon and down to earth. When information was being offered back glowing light came from the earth and up to the edge of the galaxy. It may have even been a movie I was watching in my dream because I remember something about it being a movie but it's all pretty vague. Also more dreams about Burwell Nebraska that I can't recall.

CLASS OF 1984

Speaking of Burwell, I got a letter from a classmate last week asking if I would be interested  in attending a class reunion for the Burwell High School class of 1984. My answer is Fuck No! I wasn't well received in that little redneck town by the people or by my classmates in that town. I only kept in touch with about four of the people I went to school with and now I only write to two of those people via E-mail once or twice a year. I never had many friends growing up there but had dozens and dozens of friends here in Tucson. So do I want to go back to Nebraska next year to visit with people I didn't like 20 years ago? I threw the letter in the trash without a second thought.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

Why do I dream so much about Burwell Nebraska? Is it because I was tortured there for 18 years of my life? Was it the rednecks? Who knows! I had a dream last night that I was in my elementary school music class room. It's the same room that we had band practice in as well. I'm working with Dennis and we have a buffet set up for all these people from the Midwest. People are eating and then the lights dimmed and they started singing karaoke. The people who got up sang country and western music, and on top of that nobody could sing well at all. Finally this one girl who looks familiar gets up and sings a song. She sings like a professional and I can't believe it. My dad is all of a sudden sitting next to me and I ask him if this girl was from around Burwell. He tells me yes, and her name which I can't remember, and asks me if I remember her from school. No one else gets up and I start thinking about doing a song too. I'm going to do my standard Black Sabbath or Nazareth songs and rock these rednecks. A few new people walk into the room and they look at the food we have set up, sit down, then call me over. They tell me the pizza sandwiches are stale and wonder if we will be bringing more out. I asked them if they said pizza sandwiches because this strikes me as weird. They say yes so I start looking for Dennis because he is the one working the buffet. The other dream I had was about visiting some people in another place as well. It was a couple of girls and they were kind of after me if you know what I mean. At one point I'm on the lawn in front of a house having a picnic or something with these girls and they are getting frisky with me. It then dawns on me that Josie is inside the house and I look over to the front door. Josie has been standing there the whole time and is angry as hell. That is all I can remember. I know a lot of things happened in between but can't recall what happened.

WORK

Work is going to suck today. I have something over at the Country Club pool with three other people. That means we have to transport everything over there by hand and it's going to take a lot of time. It also means it's Country Club people over there and they are the rudest most self absorbed people in Tucson. Not looking forward to this at all. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about tonight when I get home. I also signed up to work at the pool watching the slide on my days off. It will be relatively slow so that means I will get to sit on my butt for about eight hours reading my book, drinking beverages, and making about $6.50 an hour. Not great money by any means but it is money and it's better than going out looking for part time work. I just watch the slide and make sure people are following the rules, and that nobody drowns of course. I watched the slide quite a bit during the summer two years ago and one day I only had one kid using the slide, but he used the slide all day long. He was an autistic kid who was about 14 years old and his name was Conner. His mother sat and talked to me for a long time until his dad came to watch him. Conner would talk to himself and sometimes he would pretend to be a porpoise. You know how they can kind of stand up above the water as they bob back and forth moving forward? Conner was trying to do this and making dolphin noises. It was strange.

PMS (PRETTY MISS SATAN)

Josie is the queen of foul attitudes when she is on her period. You could tell her that she just won the Power Ball lottery and she would tell you in her little Chicana accent, "You can kiss my ass!" So tonight I was helping Brandon with his homework which he is more than capable of doing but needs help slowing down and writing neatly. He doesn't need to turn his work in until next week but he's already almost done with it. So I'm making him rewrite a few numbers and he starts blowing me off. I have to repeat things like three times before I get his attention and then I reminded him that his teacher said the same thing, that he isn't listening correctly. Later, Josie in all her wisdom and wit says, "That teacher can suck my pussy! I feel like telling her to bite my bloody pad!" Of course this is the devil speaking through my wife as he always does one week out of the month. I told her she needs to calm down and tone the language down as well. She starts going on about how the teacher can chew on her pad and so on. I walked away at this point because I saw the movie "The Exorcist" and that is what Father Merrin would have done when Pazuzu taunted him. So I go to use the bathroom and there is stuff from the wastebasket ripped up and all over the floor. Obviously Nicky our Chihuahua got in there and reeked havoc while we were all in the dining room doing bills and homework. I yelled down the hall to Josie, "Hey Josie, how did Brandon's teacher get in here and do this?" She walks over and sees tissue paper and a bloody pad or two all torn up covering the carpet. I did get a laugh so don't tell me the devil has no sense of humor. I'm in love with the devil, dirty pad or not.

BETTER

Feeling much better now. I guess we are all allowed a little depression once in a great while. I can see how disabling depression could be if one were a manic depressive type. I should have just taken yesterday off but I needed the work. Anyway, thanks for the comments! They did help.

R.I.P JOHNNY CASH AND JOHN RITTER

Wow, two for one. I loved them both, believe it or not. If it hadn't been for Jack Tripper I would have never known what "gay" meant. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. I'll never forget listening to my fathers Johnny Cash records. It was the only country music other than Patsy Cline that I appreciated when I was growing up. Three's Company was my favorite sitcom when I was a kid. That is the third loss in the world of entertainment this week. Always seems to come in threes.

COOL TUNES TODAY

Find Another Fool - Quarterflash

Endless Handbag - Lavender Hill Mob

Pre-Menstrual Princess Blues - Stormtroopers of Death

Imprint - Double Drive

Woo Ha - Busta Rhymes

Cuz Its Hot - My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Temptation - Heaven 17

911 AND MORE

Spent my day off at work today. I'm broke, what do you expect? I managed to knock over about 50 crates worth of minibar products first thing this morning setting the pace for the rest of the day. I basically went to work today because I was so depressed last night and it was all I could to to keep from going mad. Josie is not a new hurricane but rather my wife who is suffering the madness of PMS (hate week as I call it,) I'm broke as hell due to a shitty economy and a more than weak summer (no work, no money,) it's 9/11, and I just feel like shit. I ended up watching the movie phenomena with John Travolta last night and that didn't make me any happier either. So I worked today for a different department for a whole lot less than what I usually make and ended up working a whole hell of a lot harder than I had expected to. I was told last night that I would only be driving a cart. Today I was expected to lift, deliver, and retrieve products used in minibars at the resort. They stuck me with a guy who can't handle alcohol because of his religion so I got to do double while this idiot asked a lot of stupid questions. I won't be doing that again, trust me. One more slow week then business picks up, or that is what I'm told. So leave nice comments in the comment box because I really need cheering up! Even if you usually just read this page and never comment, please do. Trust me, I need cheering up.

CARS

Man, talk about a fisting! I just spent a grand total of $344 getting my alternator fixed on my car, plus the tow to the shop. The good news is that it was the alternator and not my frying my motor! I checked the oil on my car when it broke down the other night and it was registering that it was completely empty. I checked it again the next day when having it towed, still empty. Steve, my mechanic for the past twelve years, said the oil was fine. I guess my car must have been on a steeper incline that I had noticed and kept the oil away from the measuring stick. So relief knowing I still have a car, dread knowing that work has been next to nothing and I'm broke as hell and this is the worst time this could have happened. Thanks again Jesus! Good thing I have a 401(k) because I need to borrow money from myself now. Damn...

FOOTBALL

Yes, I won the first week of the football pool two years in a row! That basically means I play for free for the second year in a row. I'd like to thank Philadelphia for playing like crap last night, it really meant a lot to me. Funniest thing about the football pool is that I am one of those guys who knows next to nothing about sports. I'm lost when it comes to most sports. I do know a little about football though. It also gives me some kind of sadistic pleasure knowing I've won the football pool three times on one year and don't read sports, live sports, or hardly watch sports. There are guys at work who do nothing but talk sports and statistics and I'm consistently picking teams better than they are. I correctly picked 11 games out of 15, it's luck and intuition nothing more. So thanks for the $43 this week guys, and gals, I'm in first place off the bat again second year in a row! I'll stop gloating now.

911

Two more days and it's 9/11 again already. I'm glad I'm off from work this year and will be home by myself most of the day because I didn't expect to be as depressed as I was last year. I'm not an emotional person that often but there is just something about two years ago that really got a hold of me. We had a group in house of about 500 or more people for this computer technology convention and they had two giant screens set up at the front of the ballroom, one in each corner. It was hard enough getting Brandon to the baby sitter and Miranda to school then driving all the way to work knowing what had just happened, but standing in that room for the next four hours watching the footage and the news on those huge screens was just as surreal as it gets. Many of the people at that convention were from New York and quite a few of them either worked at the twin towers or knew someone who did. Everyone was devastated, and many were crying. So last year I didn't expect to be emotional or anything but it was all over the news again and it was all I could to to keep from crying. I had the same sick empty feeling in my stomach that I had the previous year. The same sick empty feeling I got when that guy got decapitated in front of us in traffic last year on the way to see that wonderful new Disney movie Snow Dogs. The same sick feeling I get every time something incredibly tragic happens. I'm really not looking forward to Thursday at all.

ROCK ON WARREN ZEVON!

Reuters | Click here

CAR TROUBLE

I'm so angry I could piss nails. I just spent the last hour and a half trying to get home. On the way home tonight my car decided to play dead. It's got to be electrical because the lights went dim, then no power. So I was going to try and thumb it into the city but being on the upscale side of town nobody wanted to stop and give me a ride. Remember, this is outside of town in the foothills and it's pitch black out there at night because there are no street lights. I started walking, thumb stuck out at some feeble attempt to attract attention (don't try this at home kids, it doesn't work) when after about half a mile later I gave up and approached someone's home and rang the door bell. Let me tell you something, these people were the nicest most genuine people I've met in a long time. I'm not just saying that because they helped me, they were super nice, all smiles, talked about the Resort because they saw the logo on my shirt, and offered help without looking bothered. They lent me their phone to call Josie then gave me a flash light and a ride back to my car to wait for her. Josie wasn't too thrilled about what had transpired so I told her to blame Jesus, because all things work to glorify him and complete his will. Yeah, whatever. So I returned the flashlight and made it safely back home.

SO IT WAS...

Tom is going to pick Josie up and give her a ride to work in the morning so that I can have a car. Tom's good people. Tom sounds a bit like a disgruntled and yet semi-retarded Jimmy Stuart. I'm not kidding, that's just how he sounds. I remember the first day I worked with him and the rest of the crew about eleven years ago. Everyone was doing that Jimmy Stuart voice, mocking the way Tom speaks but I didn't know, I just thought it was some new "in" thing that the general herd did to amuse themselves. So here I am talking back that way to Tom, thinking he too was in on the fun and games but not realizing that it was mockery. It wasn't until I did this again in front of Tom and a host of others that I was pulled aside and let in on the dark secret. Poor Tom. Tom slowly drove me insane for the next couple of years until I changed positions at work and started working the food service side of banquets. I also have to tell you about his signature move! To do it just do the voice saying, "So it was," while you make your hand like your hitching a ride (common theme tonight,) invert the thumb and jab your thumb into your ribs just under your armpit. He does this a lot, who knows why. It's like a nervous habit. Anyway, he's a good guy. God I'm still angry!

GUESS WHO DIDN'T COME BACK

Little miss "I need help so bad could you help me, I'm desperate!" didn't show up with my $20. Bitch! Someone needs hexed!! I'm never going to help anyone again in such a situation. I'm a sucker, plain and simple.

I'M A SUCKER

I'm a sucker. No, really I'm a sucker. Last night while we were eating the doorbell rang. I answered and there is this fairly attractive blond lady in her mid 20's standing there. She seemed a bit frantic and started telling me about how she was out of money and her kid was sick and she didn't have money for her medication. She told me she is a dancer at 10's (local strip club) an she hasn't worked in over a week due to sick kids. She promised she would pay me back if I lent her $20. Now seeing that I wasn't thinking straight I gave her the twenty, because I'm human and would hate to be stuck in the same situation. If I had been thinking I would have taken her to get the medication and just pay for it there. Here's the kicker, this is why I'm pretty sure I got fisted without any Vaseline. After I gave her the money I saw her walk down a bit where she met up with two extremely drugged out looking people. One was her sister, you could just tell by looking, the other was a black guy who I'm assuming is the brother-in-law she had mentioned to me. The girl who knocked on my door had a hint of white trash while the sister was totally marinated in it. They took off and I felt like following to get a license plate number, but didn't. I highly doubt that she will be stopping by to pay me back tonight. Josie wasn't to happy about it either. I think I'm just going to have to stick to my policy of being kind only to those who I see fit, those who truly deserve it. I'm not a Christian and have no need or the desire to be kind to everyone. Being a nice guy only leaves you holding your dick in the wind while meth addicts take your money and run. Hoo-hoo-hoo, go on take the money and run....

MONEY AND FILLING YOUR VESSEL

Worked a cocktail party with James tonight which could simply be the easiest function I've ever worked. We had potato chips, pretzels, party mix, and nuts to put out for around sixty people. That's it. We spent a lot of time talking about his latest trip to Thailand, religion, and current events. James is cool people, and he's not a mindless idiot like some of the people I work with. At the end of the evening he comes over to me and holds up a wad of cash and starts thumbing through it like he's going to pay for something, I notice a bunch of $100 bills and I'm sure I made some stupid remark about what he was going to to with all that cash. He tells me he found it on the floor. I asked if he was pulling my leg and he insisted that he just found it. There must have been over $500 worth of cash in this money clip. So, he handed it to the guy who seemed to be hosting the party and he ran after the guy who it belonged to. Now if it was my money and I dropped that much cash on the ground and you found it and brought it back to me I think I'd be tipping you a minimum of $20! That didn't happen though. So we finished up work and went over to catch the last of the football game with Dennis at his house. ShamBam was there and I guess we had just missed Joe R. by about five minutes. Game ended and James had to get going. We turned on the public access cable channel and started watching a closeted gay guy talking about how great Jesus is. I'm not kidding! The background was even decorated to achieve maximum gayness. This guy kept talking about how he was a vessel and god was filling his vessel everyday. He went on and on about how god could fill your vessel too if you would only let him. I started to think it was a skit at one point, but it wasn't. Calling this guy redundant would be an understatement. I take it that god's filling a lot of vessels these days. Then he started talking about the flesh. Oh the dreaded flesh! The sins of the flesh, more filling, dirty thoughts, more filling, if you can only resist, filling, impure worldly thoughts, filling, filling, filling. Damn dude, go out and get yourself some hot little stud boy and do your own filling. It's too bad Dennis quit drinking five years ago becuase there was a drinking game involved in this, you simply take a swig every time he says filling. So my advice to this young lad who was blathering away tonight on public access is the following. Stop with the lisp and flailing your hands and wrists in that manner, it's not a strong selling point. Quit worrying about the sins of the flesh and the impure thoughts, just go with it. We came to the conclusion that your repressing your true feelings, it's more than obvious. Take a deep breath and go with it, it will be okay.

DREAM WEIRDNESS

This mornings dream was a bit weird. I dreamt I was at the park in Burwell Nebraska up where the small dam is just above the parks pond. Some kind of ritual was going on involving either government people or upper management from work. In the ritual about eight or ten people are standing in a line, all with their arms around each other. They descend into the water walking backwards then float out into the small reservoir. Next I'm over by the river where the spill way from the dam is and I'm hoping nobody is stupid enough to try and swim through it. Back in the late 70's some people had tried to take their canoes through it and some people almost drowned. So back to the dream. I'm watching the spill way and a body floats through. The body makes it past the spillway and floats to the edge of the river where I jump in a pull it onto the bank. It's still warm but I can find no pulse. The body is of a rather large male, very muscular. The guy wakes up and asks what happened, I tell him and he thanks me for saving his life. Seems as if he is really drunk, he told me he had just passed out near the damn. Things kind of go into weird dream mode and I'm near the same spot where this girl is spray painting something on a billboard. It's some kind of gang symbol that she is painting over, signifying that a murder wasn't successful. Seems his girlfriend had tried to whack him by pushing his drunk ass into the water. The next think I see is this small gang in a 70's Chevey convertible with the top down. They are on the dirt road between the ballpark and the park near the kids play area. The guy I pulled from the river is now intoxicated beyond all belief and is suicidal. As they take off he throws his arms in the air like he is on a roller coaster or at some kind of religious sermon doing the whole take me Jesus thing. That's when I woke up.

MURDERING MURDERERS WHO
MURDER MURDERERS

Gonna smile, I'm gonna laugh
they're gonna want my autograph
And in a moment of passion
get the glory like Charles Manson
You gotta go go go go goodbye
Glad to see you go go go go goodbye
Goodbye
From the Ramones song "Glad To See You Go"

Looks like Paul Hill won't be murdering anymore people. Funny how he thought "god" approved of his behavior. I guess he's just emulating his own god's behavior. Of course he knew god's mind, and god told him to do it so that frees him of any personal responsibility. It's not like he hurt anyone else when he killed two people. I'm amazed at how many people have fooled themselves into thinking they have gained favor with god. They know what god wants, they are free from guilt because they are god's favorites and give little thought to other peoples rights or beliefs. My beliefs are trodden upon everyday by the so called oppressed religious right and they don't think twice about it or blink a lash. They wish a nasty fiery hell upon me not just for a little while, but for all eternity. Man, isn't that love? Try being an Atheist in public for one day and then you can come back and cry on my shoulder. Anyway, like it or not Paul is gone for good, and the world is a better place today because there is one less idiot roaming the streets, or sucking up valuable tax dollars.

MIX IT

Made this tonight. Don't know how long it will be up so grab it while you can. This is for Melly and Yvonne.

MELLY MIX

DREAM WEIRDNESS

I just woke up a couple of minutes ago from an extremely long, bizarre, and drawn out dream so excuse me if this is a bit random or mistyped. I can't even see straight yet but thought I'd better type this out before I forget. The first part of the dream I was in Burwell Nebraska traveling to Ord Nebraska to play the golf course there. I was talking to someone, I think my brother, about the changes they had made to the course, especially the first hole tee area. This happened in reality, saw it when we went on vacation this year. Next thing I know I'm back on the road headed to Ord again to play golf. I think my dad paid in advance and it was almost like a chore I had to do. I think there was a conversation with me telling him I was only playing nine holes and nothing more. I get there and tee off. Next thing I know I'm down on the fairway and it's late at night. There seems to be an outdoor theater set up or some kind of party going on outside on the dark fairway. A cute brunette in a sun dress and denim vest picks up my ball and shows it to me. I hit the ball again and I'm on the green. The dream becomes kind of obscure at this point and I'm trying to putt but the green keeps changing into weird shapes, almost Dr. Seuss like shapes. Just one of those weird dream sequences. I was with Josie I think. At some point in the dream before this point I was going to skip playing golf and go get a chocolate shake at Dairy Queen. It was a long jumbled dream and I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight. So I played hole one and next thing I know I'm in a golf cart near hole seven with an older lady who I believe is Bea Arthur. It gets jumbled up pretty bad at this point and I'm in the backyard of someone's home. I think it's Phillis Diller's home but I'm not sure. I remember being inside by a fireplace sitting in front of it. It's in a corner and kind of round shaped. There is a lazy susan inside the fireplace with three or four tiers. On it is very rich cocktail foods like Chicken Wellington with a white sauce and some kind of German apple puff pastry. There is all kinds of rich food on this tray but can't remember what they were. Then I'm at a wooden table with about eight older ladies, some kind of high society breakfast tea party where everyone is in their pajamas. I'm cracking jokes and entertaining the masses while we eat and play cards. One of the ladies is either Bea Arthur or Phillis Diller. Dream shifts again and I'm entering the same house with some girl who is my sister (I have no sister in real life) and it seems like there is a huge party going on. We get inside and realize it's not a huge party, it's only a fan or the t.v. making this huge noise that sounds like a crowd of people, but weird noises are coming from upstairs. Upon further investigation we go up the stairs and find out it's Jeffery Tambor the actor from The Ropers t.v. sitcom (the guy with the bald head), who is my dad, dressed up in bondage attire with a woman who is tied up. I believe she  is supposed to be my mother. That part of the dream ends. I'm back at the clubhouse where the golf course is and I'm behind the counter helping myself to things. Three teenage boys who work there walk in. It's no concern to them and we're talking about the Ord football team. I'm pouring myself a Sprite or something to drink. Dream shifts again and I'm at a fast food joint that looks like a McDonnalds. It's actually a pizza place and I've ordered a Hawaiian pizza which is ham and pineapple pizza in the dream, and a pepperoni pizza. The kid who takes my order is kind of confused about the order. I'm waiting for a long time and then my order is up. The bill is $20.00 and I pay it. The guy that brings the pizza is the owner who seems to know me and thanks me for being a regular customer and presents me with one pizza. I open it up and it's the pepperoni pizza, but then I ask where the other pizza is. They look on the chit to see what I had ordered and then look to see where the second pizza is but to no avail. I then find out that I have only been charged for one medium pizza with a  $10.00 gratuity added on to it. I can feel the anger roiling inside me and heads are going to roll! This is where I woke up, walked in here, then started typing this all out. Fucking bizarre.